Audio Konajournal / Teaching Pigs to Sing 12-18-14

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VM5TuVfLmMU&feature=youtu.be

Teaching Pigs to Sing

I have this motto I live by that originates with the late, great author, Robert Heinlein: Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and it annoys the pig.

Well, the other night at my local watering hole I broke this sacred rule. See, there's this guy (I'll call him Bob) who is always trying to lure me into a political discussion. I have always avoided this because I know he's a Republican. Don't ask me how I know. I can just smell it.

Any way, after several drinks he was still goading me, so I said, "Bob, I don't want to discuss politics with you because you're a Republican, and it's impossible to have an intelligent conversation with someone who doesn't accept facts as reality."

"Well, facts are questionable."

"No," I said, "that's what makes them facts."

"Not really."

At this point I was already kicking myself for going this far and scanning the bar for an empty stool. There were none. So I made one more attempt to at least get him to acknowledge the existence of facts.

"Look," I said, "it's 8:30. It's dark out. That's a fact."

"Right."

"It is also a fact that under Obama we've had 57 straight months of private sector job growth."

"Well, I don't know."

"Look," I said with some impatience, "it's a fact. You can look it up."

"Well it depends where you look it up."

"Do you watch the news?" I asked.

"Yeah, I watch Fox News.They're great."

"So there's your problem," I replied, "There have been several studies done that show Fox News viewers are actually less informed than people who watch no news at all."

"I don't believe that."

"Of course you don't," I muttered.

Tired of punching myself in the face, I decided to put an end to this futility and finish my drink.

"See," I said, "this is why I don't argue with Republicans."

"I'm an Independent."

Well goddamn it.

"Oh really," I said, "Who was the last Democrat you voted for?"

"I don't remember. Hey, what do you think about Dr. Ben Carson?"

"Ben Carson?" I said, doing a spit take with the last of my vodka rocks, "He's a shit head!"

"No he isn't!"

"Ben Carson is the Republican equivalent of Stephen Colbert taking a selfie with his 'Black friend.' They think it proves they don't hate Black folks." Actually, I did use the N word here for maximum effect.

"He's a neurosurgeon."

"Yeah, and he also compared Obamacare to slavery!"

"Well, he meant that it would get like that and the unions are ruining jobs and blah, blah blah..."

At this point I actually put my fingers in my ears and started singing "La la la la." I got up abruptly from my bar stool and went outside to have a smoke, sadly missing Bob's scintillating explanation of why Dr. Ben Carson is a combination of George Washington, Abraham Lincoln and Jesus. I waited outside until I was certain he had finished talking then resumed my seat at the bar. Fortunately, my friend Phil came up and started talking football and Bob found someone else to irritate: my wife, God love her.

As Phil and I were arguing the finer points of the West Coast Offense as opposed to the critical importance of a franchise running back like Demarco Murray, I could hear my wife behind me saying over and over "I don't want to talk about it, Bob!"

Which is exactly what I should have said in the first place. Heinlein was right.

©2014 Kona Lowell

It Isn't Easy Being White

Ferguson, MO. Today Konajournal is on the streets of Ferguson, Missouri. It has been mostly peaceful so far, but a lot of people are still out here making their feelings known, carrying signs, holding their hands in the air and spontaneously singing protests songs from time to time. Let's talk to someone if we can. Here's one.

"Hello, sir. I'm with Konajournal. I've just arrived here in Missouri from the Aloha State, Hawaii. May I ask you a few questions?"

"It's Missour-uh. So you come from Hawaiiuh? That's a far piece."

"It's Hawaii, or Ha-VAI-ii, and yes it is. I noticed your sign: DARREN WILSON FOR PRESIDENT. Obviously you do not share the view of most of the protesters that he should be held accountable for Michael Brown's death."

"They oughta give that boy a medal the size of a dinner plate! No tellin' what that colored boy was gonna do next. Ya know he was seven foot tall and 400 pounds. Eyes like a damn cat. I seen him before. He couldn't even feel them bullets! Scary sumbitch."

"He was a large kid, yes. But Officer Wilson is retiring. He's received over a million dollars in donations."

"Damn right. We minorities stick together."

"Minority?"

"Hell yes. We white folks is the minority right here. We gotta look after one another."

"Well the police and the town government and the courts seem to be predominantly white."

"Well sure. That's how we look after one another. See, us white folks is getting squeezed out. First they git Black History Month. Then Martin Luther King Day. Then they git that sumbitch, Obama, all the way from Africa to be the damn President. Now they git Black Friday. What do we git?"

"Well..."

"They even git Black Entertainment Television! Why don't we git White Entertainment Television?"

"Because most television IS white entertainment?"

"Naw, that ain't it. I'll tell you what, too. You seen any white folks riotin' after O. J. got let off? Nope!"

"Well, that's not really the same thing. But it is true that the cops planted evidence and lied in that case, too."

"Had to! Now looky here, how come there's so many colored folks in prison? I'll tell ya. Crime comes natural to 'em. Can't help it. Just the way they are."

"So you think that if Michael Brown had been white Officer Wilson would have shot him?"

"Hell no! He woulda had a talk with that boy's daddy. Yes sir. You seen Michael Brown's daddy? He's 8 feet tall, close ta 500 pounds! Eyes like a damn bat!"

"Well, thank you, sir. You've made my trip to Missouri a success."

"It's Missour-UH. You headin' back to Hawaaiuh?"

"It's Hawai-EE And I'll pronounce it Missour-UH when you start spelling it that way."

"We do."

©2014 Kona Lowell

Go here for an audio version of this blog

You can hear a reading of this blog every Sunday at 9 AM Central at Brass Knuckle Progressives Radio.

Republicans Working for YOU, the Little Guy

Washington, DC. With the people having spoken — well, one third of those registered to vote any way — the Republicans now have the wind at their backs and the self confidence that comes from knowing that they are doing the will of the American people. And now that they are set to control both houses of Congress, they can get down to making life better for all of us. I know this is the plan, because they said so. I'm still a bit unclear on why when they win, it's the will of the American people and when we win it's in spite of the will of the American people, but never mind.

So to help you, the little guy, the Republicans are going to create gazillions of jobs and make the economy grow like a gigantic, indestructible dandelion. I know, because they said so. But how to do this?

Well, first you repeal Obamacare. I know, I know, this isn't exactly what everyone had in mind, especially the ten million Americans who now have health coverage and would have to go back to frequenting the ER and, well, dying, but you can't make an omelet without breaking a few eggs. Besides, Obamacare is a "job killer." I know, because they said so. So if all these people lose their health coverage, we will be literally drowning in unfilled, good paying jobs quicker than you can say "pre-existing condition." And, by the way, omelets are very tasty.

Next, build the Keystone XL pipeline. And gut the EPA, because you can't give with one hand and take away with the other. The benefits of this bold move will be twofold: first, tens of hundreds of temporary jobs will be created building the pipeline, but many more are sure to become available in future ecological disasters. And with the job-killing EPA neutered, titans of industry will be free to recreate the glory days of the industrial revolution. Everybody had a job back then, even children. And who knows? Before long, all of us may be driving hybrid cars! Half gas, half coal. Any way, climate change is a hoax. I know, because they said so. Clean air and water are so 1970.

Of course the key to real, lasting prosperity is privatization. I know, because they said so. And where better to start than that white elephant the founding fathers burdened us with, that costly anachronism known as the United States Post Office. I mean, letters? Who writes letters? Okay, so the USPS doesn't get any tax money to operate and thousands of employees would lose their jobs, but it's the principle of the thing. After that we can privatize the police. And the Fire Department. That means none of your tax dollars being wasted doing what the free market can cheerfully do. It'll be just like paying for cable, with similar service.

Finally, the economy will get its biggest jump start by impeaching the Job-Killer in Chief, President Obama, for the high crime of issuing an executive order to deal with the immigration crisis while being tauntingly Black. Then they'll shut down the government. How this will actually improve the economy or create jobs is a bit unclear, but I know it will because they said so. I think it's like severely wounding a fruit tree to make it produce. Or something.

The American people have spoken, and now it's up to the Republican Party to reward us for our trust. I know they won't let us down, because they said so. Now just relax, this won't hurt a bit.

©2014 Kona Lowell

You can hear a reading of this blog every Sunday at 9 AM Central at Brass Knuckle Progressives Radio.

WTF Happened? The 2014 Post-Mortem

Washington, DC. Fingers are already being pointed and blame assigned as Democrats attempt to determine exactly why they had their butts handed to them like perfectly broiled filet mignons on 500 degree sizzling plates. What was supposed to be just a bad election night proved to be an embarrassing rout and portends nothing but more obstruction, inevitable caving, endless investigations and possible impeachment for the final two years of President Obama's term. Why did this happen?

1. Messaging. Yes, it's true that the Democrats are god-awful at trumpeting their accomplishments and that the Republicans are wizards at lying through their teeth about those accomplishments. Unemployment is down to 5.8 %, 10 million jobs have been created, the deficit has been cut in half, the stock market is at record levels, more than 10 million Americans have health insurance that never had it before and the cost of medical care has risen at the lowest rate in 50 years. Things are looking better every day, yet more than 70% of the country thinks that nothing has changed and that the Republicans know best how to turn the economy around. Yes, Americans believe that the very people who caused this mess, the party that historically tanks the economy every fucking time they're in charge, will do better than the party that actually fixed it.

So certainly the Democratic message has failed to reach people. Factor in Fox News' 24-7 propaganda machine, as well as right-wing talk radio and a craven mainstream media, and it takes a gargantuan megaphone to counter that endless barrage of lies and misinformation. But it can be done and the message must be very simple, because we obviously live a pathetically stupid country. I suggest that Democrats in the future emulate Tarzan's grade-level of speech. Like this:

"We save economy. You get food. Not die. Republicans try kill you. Take job. We give you job. Give you big medicine. You friend. We help. We friend."

But this isn't why we lost.

2. Cowardice. Yes, watching Democrats distance themselves — no, make that run like scalded cats — from the President and his policies so they could hopefully gain the votes of ignorant fucking rednecks was cringe-inducing. Even worse, it didn't work because you're still dealing with ignorant fucking rednecks. Ever notice that people show up for Obama rallies? Like, in droves? And you punted on that? You're not just a coward, you're a fucking idiot. In a pink tutu.

So next time, remember that only trying to appeal to card-carrying members of the Sons of the Confederacy tends to alienate your base that isn't white, stupid and nearing extinction.

But this isn't why we lost.

3: Republican Dirty Tricks. Sure, the Republicans are lying, cheating, scum-sucking pigs. Everyone knows that. From voter-suppression laws to gerrymandering to patently false TV ads, there is no bottom to their barrel. They have no morals, no empathy, only an eternal, gnawing lust for power. And not for power to actually govern, just power.

But this isn't why we lost.

4. Voter Turnout. Midterm elections have notoriously bad voter turnout. This one was no exception, with two thirds of registered voters deciding they had better things to do than have a say in their own future. Millions of single women decided that the loss of the right to an abortion or even birth control wasn't worth the effort involved in actually voting. Millions of Blacks decided they could live with Jim Crow laws and more Fergusons. Millions of union workers who sat there with their thumbs up their asses decided that being plain old "workers" maybe wasn't so bad after all. Millions of young people who sat on the sidelines figured a drive to the school cafeteria was more hassle than $100,000 in student loan debt. Millions of Latinos who couldn't get motivated said adios to the Dream Act. Millions of gays who couldn't be bothered decided to trust that Republicans really just adore marriage equality. And millions of of people with first-time health coverage just couldn't get up off the couch to cast a ballot to keep it.

One could blame this appalling apathy on the above excuses: bad messaging, cowardly candidates and Republican dirty tricks. Or one could simply blame the hundreds of millions of lazy, stupid Americans, the vast majority of whom are directly benefiting from Democratic policies, who stayed home and let other people, people who want to destroy those policies, decide their future and the future of this nation.

I'll go with that.

©2014 Kona Lowell

You can hear a reading of this blog every Sunday at 9 AM Central at Brass Knuckle Progressives Radio. 

Konajournal's Handy Guide for Undecided Voters

With the midterm elections just four days away, we at Konajournal have assembled a short questionnaire to assist undecided voters in making an informed choice in this most crucial vote. We believe that all citizens, whatever their race, economic status, gender or age have the right to have their voices heard at the ballot box and indeed the responsibility to make them heard.

Circle the numbers that best describe you. We will tally results at the conclusion.

1. You believe that voter fraud is rampant and that the only way to guarantee the integrity of the vote is to disenfranchise as many Blacks, Latinos, young people, seniors, women and habitual Democratic voters as is humanly possible. You also disagree with the opening paragraph.

2. When George W. Bush took office in 2001, he immediately eliminated the budget surplus President Clinton had left him, tanked the economy, presided over the loss of millions of jobs, started two unfunded wars that cost over 2 trillion dollars and left hundreds of thousands dead while alienating almost the entire world. You refer to this era of American history as "the good old days."

3. You see war as an international football game with guided missiles and enjoy rooting for your team from a safe distance. You also believe that the American military, like a football team, gets rusty during a bye week and therefore should be eternally at war with somebody. Anybody. Plus it's more exciting than NASCAR.

4. You are a devout Christian and believe that the Bible is the error-free word of God, except for the mistranslation in the gospel of Matthew that has Jesus riding a donkey into Jerusalem instead of a triceratops. And all the verses about helping the poor and sick.

5. You think that science is overrated, and are willing to take Sarah Palin's word for it that the climate change hoax is just an effete liberal plot designed to take away your muscle car.

6. Corporations are people. And Mitt Romney is not an animatronic replica of a human being designed to accumulate vast sums of wealth by any means necessary, but an actual human being. And that's his real laugh.

7. Providing health care coverage for 10,000,000 Americans who never had it before will only encourage them to live longer.

8. To protect the weaker sex, all abortion and birth control must be illegal. Abstinence is the only legitimate means of preventing pregnancy, unless you're at the Republican National Convention.

9. There is no such thing as too many guns. And they make great stocking stuffers.

10. God created Black people to entertain us, not govern us.

11. The Koch brothers are selfless, patriotic Americans who spend gazillions to improve the lives of the little guys.

12. You use the "n" word when referring to President Obama but are definitely not a racist. It's a Southern term of endearment, like "bubba."

13. You think your state should secede from the Union and this time it will not result in a humiliating, pathetic ass-kicking because you have an extra pair of shoes.

14. You like the cut of Mitch McConnell's jib.

15. You are Black, Latino, a union worker, a woman, gay, middle class, a student, make under $150,000 per year and are not an asshole.

If statements 1 through 14 describe you, you should vote Republican. If statement 15 best describes you, you should vote Democratic.

If you are still unsure, you're an Independent.

©2014 Kona Lowell

You can hear a reading of this blog every Sunday at 9 AM Central at Brass Knuckle Progressives Radio. 

Land of the Free, Home of the Scared Shitless

Washington, DC. Republicans may not have any new ideas or policies that would benefit the middle class. They may not have any candidates that appeal to Blacks, Latinos, the LGBT community, union workers, young people or single women. But yet there they are, poised to take control of the Senate, retain the House and make President Obama's last two years in office an exercise in abject futility, while gleefully euthanizing anything that even smells a bit like progressivism.

What is their secret? Well, besides heavily gerrymandered districts and SCOTUS-backed voter suppression, it's really not a secret and it's nothing new. It is the exact same thing they have enticed voters with for years: unreasoning, slobbering, paralyzing fear.

This is brilliant, because there's always something to be afraid of, and apparently about half of us are ridiculously easy to terrify. In fact, one of the first tenets of conservativism is to be fearful of that scariest monster under the bed of them all: change. Yes, Obama's campaign slogan alone was enough to cause millions of Republicans nationwide to piss in their pants at the same time.

Of course there is nothing scarier for Republicans than a Black president. That is change at its very worst. It smacks of equality and puts the unhealthy notion in the heads of little Black kids everywhere that they, too, might be able to rise above their predetermined station in life and succeed. At anything.

But there's always more than race to send Republicans scurrying under the bed in blind, convulsive terror. Gays are going to ruin marriage, and of course bring about the downfall of Western civilization. Never mind that they helped mightily in building it. Or that Christianity is under siege. I remember one church bombing. It was committed by people who called themselves Christians. Or Obamacare is going to turn us into Socialist Europe. Cool! Do we get wine with breakfast? Or that the Democrats are going to take your guns away. I wish they would. People suffering with delusions and paranoia should not be heavily armed. But they won't.

Then there are those very frightening brown-skinned people way over there in countries most of us can't find on a map that practice the wrong religion and don't seem to appreciate us slaughtering them for no particularly good reason. Republicans are convinced that any one of these barely functioning Western constructs is poised for World Domination and that every petty despot is the second coming of ol' Adolph.

Which is why Rep. Tom Cotton (R-AR) is convinced that ISIS "could infiltrate our defenseless border and attack us right here in places like Arkansas." Sure. I can just hear al-Baghdadi telling his few thousand irregulars, "Today Little Rock, tomorrow the world!"

Now of course we have the horrifying Ebola virus to complete the nightmare scenario Republicans love to masturbate to. And even though Rush Limbaugh has had more wives than we've had infected patients, Rep. Tom Tillis (R-NC) says that "We've got an Ebola outbreak...we need to seal the border and secure it!"

Note to Border Sealers: The United States shares 5,525 miles of border with Canada. We share 1,989 miles with Mexico. And just for shits and giggles, we have 95,471 miles of coastline. And your plan is?

It doesn't matter. It's all about the fear. It's all about herding their cowardly base to the polls. It doesn't have to make sense. There is no real action required, or any to be taken. It's just about making stupid people believe they'll die if they don't vote for you.

Franklin Delano Roosevelt once said that we have nothing to fear but fear itself. And fear itself is all the Republicans need.

©2014 Kona Lowell

You can hear a reading of this blog every Sunday at 9 AM Central at Brass Knuckle Progressives Radio. 

A Taste of What's to Come

Sarah Palin. Say that name. Let it roll around in your mouth. Savor it like a fine whine. Now swallow. Hmmm. A wonderfully mawkish nose of intolerance, spite and rancor with a distinctive acidity and subtle flavors of moose shit and halibut with an early finish dominated by a slightly cloying note of fresh hundred dollar bills.

Fortunately, we do not need to say this name. Nor do we have to imagine what life would be like with Sarah Palin as Vice President. But we are not out of the woods yet. At present there are dozens of members of Congress and a score of candidates on next month's ballot that make Sarah Palin look like Rachel Maddow's smarter sibling. And the fact that should keep liberals up at night is that a good number of them are going to retain their seats and new ones will win.

Think about it. Joni Ernst of Iowa feels that she is well-suited for the Senate because she knows how to cut the balls off pigs. But considering that she has called President Obama a "dictator," thinks judges should base their decisions on the Bible, believes that states should nullify federal laws they don't approve of, and like all Republicans, wants to repeal Obamacare and thinks climate change is iffy, being a veteran pig-ball remover may be the nicest thing we can say about her.

Then there's Zach Dasher who's running for Congress in Louisiana, which should thrill anyone who thinks that Duck Dynasty's Phil Robertson should be in charge of the country. See, Zach is Phil's beardless nephew. But don't let that lack of manly facial hair fool you, he's every bit as ignorant and intolerant as his uncle. Zach opines that atheism caused the Sandy Hook massacre, and would like to make his particular brand of Christian fundamentalism the law of the land. And you're worried about ISIS.

As if Wisconsin weren't hemorrhaging enough of the liberal ideas and plain good sense that made it a beacon of progressivism, here comes candidate for Congress, Glenn Grothman, to hopefully drain the last drop. Grothman, besides being another typical fundy nutbar, thinks there's a war on men, that sex ed makes kids gay and that you really don't need a weekend, you lazy punk. Of course this is pretty standard Tea Party doctrine, but Grothman also has a particularly frisky bug up his ass over Kwanzaa. Yes, Kwanzaa.

The evil morons running on the Republican side of the ticket, both new and used, are too numerous to detail here. And it would be laughable, until one considers that about half the people one meets will gladly vote for them. That's why we, the sane, informed people who live here and care whether this nation moves forward for all or backwards for a few, must turn out and vote in greater numbers in this coming mid-term election than the pundits believe possible or likely.

If not, you've had a taste of what's to come. I'd recommend a nice dollop of Cheez Whiz with that particular vintage.

©2014 Kona Lowell 

You can hear a reading of this blog every Sunday at 9 AM Central at Brass Knuckle Progressives Radio. 

The "R" Word

You've really got to hand it to the Republicans. They are masters of the English language. No, not in the way William F. Buckley, Jr. was. He was a habitually wrong Yale-educated intellectual with a working vocabulary that would have made Noah Webster or Peter Roget say, "What the fuck does that mean?" No, I'm talking about the way they are able to pervert it.

Republicans have learned that words are malleable. They also understand that their own base would have no idea what the word "malleable" means. So they keep it simple, as in third grade simple. And as Frank Luntz, the Republicans' favorite political analyst, conservative messaging whore and corrupter of democracy likes to put it, "It's not what you say. It's what people hear."

This is why on Fox you will hear the greedy pigs who have surpassed the fabled Robber Barons of old in deepening the chasm between the haves and have nots referred to as "job creators" and Obamacare casually called "a government takeover of health care." If you are not at this moment personally eyeing the inner workings of you own colon, you are aware that neither of these substitutions are honest.

But that's what Republicans do, and it's working. Of course their greatest achievement of Orwellian word-molestation is in completely dishonoring the word "liberal," a word that for centuries was the very definition of all things virtuous. So damaging has that label now become that many of us have timidly retreated to the comfortable safety of the word "progressive."

We can, however, fight back.

Yesterday I saw a graphic on Facebook with a picture of Rush Limbaugh. It asked the reader to describe him in one word. The results were as one would expect, as this was a Democrat's page: asshole, pig, heartless, misogynist, liar, stupid, racist, cigar-fellating junkie pedophile (which broke the one word rule), etc. I read through all the responses, and while they were certainly apt, there was one word that I felt was the embodiment of all of them: Republican. So I humbly suggest we use this word to our advantage.

For example, let's say you're at a trendy restaurant and you are given a particularly awful meal. The waiter arrives at your table.

"The scallops au gauche are pleasing, no?"

"No. This tastes like Republican!"

Or, your friend backs up into your car.

"Dude, what are you, Republican or something?"

Or your child misbehaves and needs a time out.

"Dakota, that was very Republican of you to hit your little sister like that."

Or your best friend hits on a woman you're talking with at the bar.

"Hey, Jason, stop Republican-blocking me, will ya?" 

The possibilities are limitless. Just replace any negative word or phrase with "Republican." Eventually, people will prefer to be called just about anything else. Maybe even "liberal."

©2014 Kona Lowell

You can hear a reading of this blog every Sunday at 9 AM Central at Brass Knuckle Progressives Radio. 

It's Complicated

It can be distressing when a loving couple you've known for years separate. You want to remain friends with both, but it gets complicated. And there's always someone who simply refuses to accept that the union is over. They make it their perpetual mission to reunite the two, employing ridiculously juvenile tactics to bring the pair back together.

You know the sort of plan: invite both to a party or an intimate dinner without telling either that the other will be there as well. The belief behind this scheme is that neither will be furious and that both will suddenly realize they just can't bear to be apart any longer. Magically, all will be well and they'll live happily together ever after.

While this works in Hollywood, it almost never does in real life.

The Republicans are like that person who just can't adjust to his friends, Church and State, being separated. They will do anything to get them back together again.

See, they miss the good old days when Church and State just couldn't keep their hands off each other. Church and State's PDA's were legendary. If iPhones had been around, TMZ would have video of them fucking in the street. And on the throne. And on the altar. Of course they were much younger then.

Republicans really miss that, because a theocracy would be so much friendlier to them and their wealthy backers. So they devise little schemes to get them back together, like putting the Ten Commandments in government buildings, schools and courthouses. And even though most Republicans could not recite them if you held a gun to their heads, they figure Church and State will remember how much fun they used to have together enforcing laws by divine right and get back to some serious street-fucking again.

Of course they have other ways of getting Church and State back together. Making abortion and gay rights a religious issue. Making foreign policy bible-based. Implying that our military is doing God's work. Referring to America as a "Christian nation." Demanding prayer in school. Loudly lamenting phony wars on religion and Christmas. Making one's faith or lack thereof a campaign issue. And of course using selected out-of-context verses from the Bible to legitimize the trampling of the poor, women, ethnic minorities, workers and anyone else who might have a contrary view or is just in the way.

"Hello, Church? Hi there, darlin'! This is the GOP. Well, I just wanted to invite you to a little Congressional hearing we're throwin' tonight. No, just good fun, a few friends, you know. Sure, darlin', see you at eight!"

The Republicans will never give up. They don't believe the separation can last. Church and State were meant for each other. But it's over. This is not a trial separation. They've got their papers.

We call them "The Constitution."

©2014 Kona Lowell

You can hear a reading of this blog every Sunday at 9 AM Central at Brass Knuckle Progressives Radio.

Money Talks

Washington, DC. Yesterday Senate Republicans did a tremendous service to liberty loving Americans and God-given free speech by filibustering the cynical, anti-tremendous-piles-of-money amendment that would have overturned Citizens United. Why? Because if there was ever a time we need our citizens united, it's now.

This proposal, authored by suspected communist and hater of democracy, Senator Tom Udall (D-NM), would have restored the power to Congress to set campaign finance limits, which would be like legislating when beautiful, harmless birds may be allowed to sing. This is hardly surprising, coming from the Senator of the "Land of Enchantment." That's right, enchantment, which is another name for witchcraft!

Here is Senate Minority Leader, Mitch McConnell (R-KY) before the freedom-saving vote, reminding us exactly why Kentucky is so fortunate to have him:

"I have to say it’s a little disconcerting to see the Democrat-led Senate focusing on things like reducing free speech protections for the American people. This is what they chose to make their top legislative priority this week. Taking an eraser to the First Amendment."

As usual, Senator McConnell, not wanting to step on any toes, understates the situation. It is not an eraser. It's an atomic bomb laced with Ebola and the spit of ISIS terrorists, being shoved up James Madison's ass.

Some people, mostly Maoists, say that money doesn't equal free speech. Nonsense! Ever hear the expression "Money talks"? Of course you have. It's in the Bible. But not the "Bullshit walks" part. That's in the Apocrypha. Somewhere. But you know what Democrats, especially those from New Mexico who practice witchcraft, think about the Bible.

Anyway, saying multi-gazillionaires like the Koch brothers shouldn't have the right to spend as much as they like on elections is like saying the tallest person shouldn't be first in line. Or that the biggest cars should have to obey traffic laws. Or the woman with the biggest tits shouldn't get paid the most. Or that the fattest person shouldn't get all the food. It's ridiculous.

And the worst part is that Democrats don't believe in prosperity. When I'm a gazillionaire, I want to be able to buy my own Senator. How else am I going to get rid of those pesky environmental laws here that keep me from selling Kona's Spinner Dolphin Burgers and Baby Hawaiian Monk Seal burritos? I call it "The Flavor of Aloha."

So thank a Republican today for standing up for your rights. Thank him for believing in you. Because when you win the lottery or Publisher's Clearing House or discover Captain Kidd's treasure in your trailer park when you're putting in a new septic tank, do you want your vote to count as much as that little shit who bags your groceries?

This is America. Dream big. Dream free. Dream rich. Just don't wake up.

©2014 Kona Lowell

You can hear a reading of this blog every Sunday at 9 AM Central at Brass Knuckle Progressives Radio.

Wanted: Unindicted Republican Candidate

Washington, DC. With yesterday's conviction of criminally inept but boyishly handsome Governor Bob McDonnell and his apparently insane wife Maureen on multiple counts of corruption, the GOP is scrambling to find someone — anyone — who can carry their banner of medieval science, 18th century human rights, middle class-trampling oligarchy and endless war into the 2016 election. The only catch is they cannot be under indictment, under investigation or batshit crazy. So far the Craig's List ad has yielded squat.

Not that McDonnell was being considered for the presidential nomination, but he might have made a formidable vice president, and they'll need a running mate, too. The former governor was a good fit, being telegenic, English-speaking, white, male, as bland as Wonder Bread and wonderfully amoral. In other words, a perfect Republican. However, even Republicans must draw the line somewhere, and that line seems to be federal prison.

Of course the Great White Republican Hope is Governor Chris Christie of New Jersey, but with the ongoing investigations into his corruption scandals, even his fuck-you-I'm-the-fucking-Governor style of governance, fetid, corpulent arrogance and noted contempt for the media might not be enough to make him marketable to independent voters, the six moderate Republicans and people who aren't Sopranos fans.

Then there's Governor Rick Perry of Texas, who appears to be launching another quixotic presidential run. But his recent indictment for corruption may hinder this. Not that Republicans have anything against criminals, as they clearly proved by electing Medicare fraudster Governor Rick Scott in Florida, but campaigning while fighting to stay out of prison could be one of those walking-while-chewing-gum situations for the well-coiffed Governor. Note to Governor Perry: It's "You can't hit a man wearing glasses." Hit. Not can't indict him. You're welcome, hoss.

Of course there's always Governor Scott Walker of Wisconsin, who has all the qualifications Republicans admire and emulate: an enchanting, smarmy soullessness, dead fish eyes, an on-going submissive sexual relationship with the Koch brothers and the ability to lie repeatedly without blinking. Add to this that he is doing his damnedest to turn Wisconsin, birthplace of the Progressive Movement, cradle of workers' unions and citizen action into a dystopian conservative shit hole. He's perfect. Or would be, except that he's being investigated for corruption, too. Nuts.

The Republican bench is getting a bit thin. Sure, they've still got Congressman Paul Ryan with his famously bloodthirsty budget, who has aided and abetted Walker's ruination of Wisconsin, but when nuns travel around the country on a bus just to tell voters what an asshole you are, people take notice.

Jeb Bush might have a shot if his name wasn't Jeb Bush.

Marco Rubio? Ted Cruz? Adios, Latino vote!

This leaves Rand Paul. To face Hillary Clinton. Or Joe Biden. Or insert name here.

Sorry Republicans. But hey, don't give up on Craig's List. You might at least find a date for Friday night.

©2014 Kona Lowell

You can hear a reading of this blog every Sunday at 9 AM Central at Brass Knuckle Progressives Radio.

Barack Obama: The Testosterone President

Washington, DC. Republicans are facing a serious dilemma. For years now they have been hunting for (or desperately trying to manufacture) scandals that will not only tarnish but burn the Obama presidency to the ground. So far nothing has worked.

Part of the problem is President Obama's likeability. Even those who may not agree with his policies generally think he's a good guy. And of course he has had a number of historic accomplishments that make their own obstruction, inaction and pettiness all the more noticeable, sort of like the 300 lb. woman with hot pink spandex pants and flaming red hair in front of you in the check-out line at Walmart.

But desperate times call for desperate measures, and since actually governing is right out the window, Republicans have been forced to use other means to keep their information-challenged base foaming at the mouth while maneuvering the Ship of State into the nearest iceberg they can find.

For a time it seemed that the IRS "scandal" just might do it, but that turned out to be a real yawner. Everyone hates the IRS anyway. Then conservatives far and wide achieved maximum tumescence with the Benghazi tragedy. Unfortunately, the response of Americans who get their news from somewhere other than Fox, was (and is) basically, "It's a fucking war zone. Four people got killed in an embassy whose security you defunded. Fuck you."

But Republicans are nothing if not masters of creative destruction, especially when it comes to destroying the swarthy usurper in the White House.

They trumpeted President Obama's overuse of executive orders. "See," they said, "that boy thinks he's a goddang king!" This gained some traction until it was revealed that Obama had issued fewer executive orders than any other president, 187, and that Dubya had issued 291 and Reagan decreed 381. Damn.

So some genius in the Republican brain trust came up with the idea of beating up the President over his inordinate number of vacation days. "Hyuck," the base said, "all that boy does is play golf while there's a war agoin' on!" Unfortunately, this tack too was destroyed by communist media operatives who dug up facts. Like Obama taking 138 vacation days to George W. Bush's 490. This coupled with the clip of Bush on the golf course addressing reporters on the serious issue of global terrorism in which he said, "I call upon all nations to do everything they can to stop these terrorist killers. Thank you. Now watch this drive" did not help at all. Double damn.

But now Republicans are playing their ace in the hole.

"President Barack Hussein Obama" said Speaker John Boehner, "has had more (hic) sex in the White House than any president ever. And while a (hic) war is going on. It's disgrace-(hic)-ful."

"And what do you think he doing on his vacations?" asked Senator Lindsey Graham. "Having sex. That's what he's doing. Putin is slipping into Ukraine and President Obama is slipping into...well, you get the picture."

"President Reagan never had that much sex. Neither did President Bush," said Senator Mitch McConnell. "He was cutting brush. Besides, by the time he got to bed at night, Laura was pretty much comatose."

"But what about Bill Clinton, Senator McConnell?"

"You've met Hillary. Besides, he wasn't having sex with a Black woman for God's sake."

That we know of Senator. That we know of.

©2014 Kona Lowell

You can hear a reading of this blog every Sundayat 9 AM Central at Brass Knuckle Progressives Radio.

Racial Nerves Still Raw in Jurgenson

Jurgenson, MO. Tensions are still high here in Jurgenson following last week's shooting of yet another unarmed white teenager, but police are allowing demonstrations to continue tonight as long as they remain peaceful and there are no more attempts at singing.

As has been widely reported, the outrage started when Blake Farquhar, age 18, was shot by Officer Rashid Jones as Mr. Farquhar was leaving a local convenience store in the early morning hours last Wednesday. Responding to a disturbance call, Officer Jones saw Mr. Farquhar running "crazily" around the dark parking lot followed by a very excited clerk from the store. When Mr. Farquhar ignored orders to stop and began running towards the officer, Officer Jones fired several shots and Mr. Farquhar was killed instantly.

White residents of the town became enraged when it was discovered that the teen had simply forgotten his change and that the Korean clerk, whose English is a bit uncertain, was only chasing him to return the change for a hundred dollar bill that he had left on the counter.

"This has got to stop!" said Heath McMaster, one of the local protesters. "Our children are being targeted by these Black policemen. My son, Troy, has been stopped twice this month — just for driving his BMW too slowly! Yes, he likes his music loud, but just because the police don't like Metallica is no reason to harass him!"

Many residents believe that the root cause of the problem is lack of representation. Jurgenson, as has been reported, has only three white officers on the police force although the town itself is 86% Caucasian, as well as having a Black mayor and a predominantly Black City Council.

Further inflaming tensions was the release of the toxicology report that showed that Mr. Farquhar had traces of Vicodin, marijuana and LSD in his system.

"My son was so stoned he didn't even realize that Officer Jones was a policeman. He probably thought he was a giant talking eggplant," said Chatsworth Farquhar, father of the deceased. "Black kids get stoned, too, and they don't shoot them down in the street! They give them NBA contracts and record deals!"

However, Black residents of Jurgenson say that far too many of the town's white teens are just asking for it due to their arrogant, erratic behavior, excessive allowances and bizarre clothing, usually consisting of tight-fitting black jeans, black leather jackets, wild hair and eerie makeup.

Conflicting accounts of the shooting are causing controversy as well. Several Black residents have corroborated Officer Jones account, supporting his claim that Mr. Farquhar was acting extremely white and ran threateningly at the officer screaming profanities. But another witness, Odgen Stratford, claims that the teen was only screaming "Eggplant!" over and over.

Officer Jones has expressed his sympathy for the family but maintains that he felt that his life was in imminent danger.

"Mr. Farquhar was acting strangely and screaming. He was wearing all black, had on black lipstick and eyeshadow and looked like he was going to turn into a bat any minute and fly right at me," said Officer Jones. "I've seen enough movies. I thought he was a damn vampire. I just couldn't take that chance."

Calls for a Special Prosecutor who understands how fucked up white people really are has so far gone unheeded.

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All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

©2014 Kona Lowell

You can hear a reading of this blog every Sundayat 9 AM Central at Brass Knuckle Progressives Radio.

Sarah Palin: A Brief History

If you were to ask a young person today "Who is Sarah Palin?" they would most likely answer that she's that crazy, old, snoopy neighbor with the annoying voice on the toilet paper commercial. But we older folks remember her for other reasons.

Sarah Louise Palin (nee Heath) was born in Sandpoint, Idaho on February 11, 1964 to Charles R. "Chuck" Heath, a science teacher and track and field coach, and Sarah "Sally" a school secretary. It was the multifaceted Chuck who gave the young Sarah both her scientific mind and a constant desire to run.

Shortly after her birth, the family moved to Alaska where they finally settled in Wasilla. It was here that Sarah would begin to make a name for herself, playing sports — in which she earned the nickname "Sarah Barracuda" for her biting wit (and for habitually biting other athletes) — as well as winning beauty pageants and playing incredibly good flute. Her remarkable embouchure is still legendary in Wasilla.

But the lure of exotic, faraway places called and after completing high school in 1982, Sarah packed up her flute and enrolled in the University of Hawaii at Hilo. She immediately transferred to the University of the Pacific in Honolulu, but finding that there were still far too many dark-skinned and oddly Asian-looking students there as well, hopped a plane for the whitest place she could think of, Coeur d'Alene, Idaho. It was there that she gave three more colleges a try, finally graduating with a BA in Communications and a special place in her heart for white culture and heavily armed militias.

Returning to Alaska, Sarah worked as a sportscaster, but soon eloped with her old high school sweetheart and rabid flute aficionado, Todd Palin, a commercial fisherman with a great line. A short time later she gave birth to her first child, Track (named in honor of her father's area of coaching expertise), followed not by Field, surprisingly, but by Bristol, Willow, Piper and Trig (in honor of one of her math teachers.)

But Sarah was born to run, and soon the political bug bit. She ran for and became a member of the Wasilla City Council. She then ran for mayor, trouncing her foe 651 votes to 440. But she was not done. She ran for lieutenant governor and although she lost, she knew bigger things awaited her. She ran for governor and won. But after a couple years she grew weary of being held accountable for her questionable actions and retired. It seemed she would sink into obscurity. But miracles happen.

It was 2008 and Republican Senator John McCain, who had just won his party's nomination for president, needed a running mate. He had an uninspiring bench of losers to draw from but luckily the brilliant strategist, the unerring Bill Kristol, had the answer: Governor Sarah Palin of Alaska. After some hasty discussion, it was settled and the virtually unknown Sarah was announced as McCain's running mate. This would pump up the conservative Religious Right. Women would love it and vote for the ticket in droves. After all, she had a vagina. Men would fall in love with her and her vagina, too, just like Rich Lowry over at National Review. This bold gambit would entirely derail the Obama juggernaut.

Obama won in a landslide.

But Sarah Palin was not done. She became the darling of the Tea Party and vigorously fought Obama's bid for a second term with unbridled nastiness and spite.

Obama won again.

She became a commentator on Fox News, had her own cable show, put out several books with her name on the covers and then started her own subscription internet TV channel. Unfortunately, the great majority of her dwindling supporters couldn't figure out how to log in, so it was cancelled after a few months.

A few years later, in 2019, after her husband Todd was killed on a fishing trip by a rogue halibut, Sarah Palin remarried, becoming Mrs. Glenn Beck (forever dashing Rich Lowry's hopes) and shortly thereafter gave birth to a son, Frack, followed by two daughters, Dingo and Corvette. The couple toured for several years on the home schooling/unaccredited Christian colleges lecture circuit until Mr. Beck's untimely drowning in a dangerous rip tide inside a Miami shopping mall.

Sarah continued to publish children's books, such as Jesus Hates the Color Brown and A Child's Guide to Seal Hunting.

Several years later, she became the spokeswoman for You Betcha Hot Dogs, which led to a brief cameo in a low-budget MILF porn film, titled Big Gulp.

And of course some will remember the late-night cable horror movie show she hosted as the creepily sexual Sarvira, Mistress of the Dim.

Now in her late 70's, Sarah Palin still acts in commercials and lends her voice to conservative political causes, such as there are. She still does a little wolf hunting in Alaska from helicopter (when it's not too hot) and sells her own special line of bumpits. And she continues to vigorously deny John McCain's fabled last words, arguing that what the lifelong baseball fan really said was, "Just give me a bat to whack that funky pitch!"

©2014 Kona Lowell

You can hear a reading of this blog every Sundayat 9 AM Central at Brass Knuckle Progressives Radio.

Our Historic 113th Congress: The Fine Art of Being Useless

Washington, DC. As the most unproductive (or useless, fustian, equivalent in value to a bucket of tepid dog spit) Congress in the history of the solar system begins its five week summer vacation, it might be a good time to assess, as a nation, just where we are.

First, we should give credit where credit is due and edit that opening sentence to read "the most unproductive Republican Congress" because it is entirely the GOP, and specifically their rabid Tea Party members, who have made this 113th Congress one for the record books.

We should also note that according to a recent NBC/WSJ poll a little more than half of our fellow citizens approve of this gridlock, even though it is more than likely giving them severe anal pain, and would prefer that Republicans control both the House and the Senate come November.

That means that every other person you come in contact with is a fucking idiot, which is why I don't go out much.

This is depressing if you function on more than a brain stem. But wait. There's more. Another recent poll shows that a slim majority of Americans believe that Republicans are foreign policy Jedis and aver that the world would be much better off with them at the helm. They believe this even though they disagree with the GOP's policies on Iraq, Afghanistan, Russia and Syria, implying that perhaps they would know how best to handle interplanetary war with Jupiter. Yes, I could have said Uranus for laughs. But do you really want me to talk about Uranus and Republicans in the same sentence?

And yet, all is not lost. Do not despair or abandon hope. Yes, America is like that big, stupid, drunk guy that's fun to watch the game with but you wouldn't invite to your house, but the Republicans are their own worst enemies. Even now, as they are dabbling their fat white toes in the warm Caribbean or cheating on their golf scorecards or cruising leather bars beneath fake mustaches, or whatever they're doing to recover from the debilitating ennui that is is governing, they have an uncanny ability, nay, a nearly magical power, to fuck it all up.

Just wait. When the Tea Party returns from summer camp (where they are learning to tie very scary lanyards and taking target practice on eerily familiar silhouettes), they will launch into more Benghazi hearings, more IRS witch hunts and more impeachment fantasy. This while suing the president for temporarily suspending part of a law they voted against 54 times.

They will also continue with their grand scheme to make the GOP the last bastion of white privilege, unabashed sexism and frenzied xenophobia while doubling up on the anti-science, anti-21st Century tolerance and perpetual warmongering that so endear them to their mouth-breathing, knuckle-walking base, but which the average voter finds just a bit embarrassing, like being caught masturbating in public.

Yet in spite of the Republicans' penchant for incredibly accurate personal foot-shooting, we know that their deranged base is fired up. We know that our base takes mid-term elections off. So there is a problem. And with ridiculously gerrymandered districts, we need a huge turnout or they will hand us our collective butt on a plate. There is one best hope: that the Republicans stay home on November 4th.

This will require presidential action of the boldest kind. President Obama must use the bully pulpit. He must take the lead and address the nation. Our very democracy is at stake. On Monday, November 3rd, he must walk up to that camera, gaze sternly into the face of America and say, "I, President Barack Hussein Obama, command all Republicans to vote tomorrow."

It might just work.

©2014 Kona Lowell

You can hear a reading of this blog every Wednesday at 7 PM Central at Brass Knuckle Progressives Radio.

Equal Time: A Tea Party Rebuttal

Kona Lowell is on vacation this week, recuperating from a freak bong accident. In a gesture of fairness, Konajournal has asked Tea Party Rangers of Texas president W. J. Earl "Junior" Smidgen to write this week's blog.

Frogstomp, Tx. You know, a lot of folks will try to tell you that the Tea Party don't have the fire it used to. Well, let me tell you what. Them folks should oughta come right down here to Frogstomp, but you better wear you some asbestos underwear cause it's fixin' to get hotter'n a stolen tamale!

That's right, the Tea Party is alive and kickin' down here and them fellers up there yonder in Washington better keep their heads down cause a dead bee can still sting. Yes sir.

Now I seen this feller other day sayin' how the Tea Party got somethin' against women. Well I'll tell you what. That ain't true, and you can hang your hat on that. My momma raised me up to be a genuine Texas gentleman. When I'm out boot-skootin' and pissin' a case of longnecks into the Trinity River, I treat whatever gal I'm with like she's a goddang queen. Hell, I treat 'em better'n my wife! I sweet-talk 'em. Women like that. I say, "You have a beautiful tooth, honeybabe" or maybe "You don't don't sweat much for a fat girl, darlin'" or "I'd rather watch you walk than eat fried chicken, sweet thing." Thataway.. And I figure, I got her drunk, I'll take her home.

But one thing I don't cotton to and that's female pastors. No sir. The Good Lord don't want us thinkin' about the pastor's titties when the preachin's goin' on! And that equal pay business, why that's crazy as Larrabee's calf! When Jesus wrote the Constitution, He said "All men are created equal." Didn't say nothin' about women. And that's a fact.

Now the other thing I keep on hearin' is the Tea Party is a bunch of racists. If that's true I'm a June bug. We got nothin' against them folks, long as they set their trot lines on their side of the river, know what I mean? What we got our fur up about is the damn liberals importin' this Obama feller from Kenya or Hawaii or whatever country he's from and making him a dang king. And that boy's slipperier than a pocket full of puddin'. You know what he's plannin'. That's right. He's gonna take all the white folks' guns and give 'em to them black folks and before you know it we'll all be eatin' chittlins and ham hocks and Randy Travis will be singing' that hop hip and dancin' around like a dang jiggaboo. And don't be tellin' me that there's like the "N" word cause it starts with a "J."

Anyway, the Tea Party stands for freedom. We just want to live the way our grandpappys did back there in them good old days, before everything went to hell on a biscuit. And if the government tries to stop us, they'll find out we're as serious as the business end of a .45. They may not remember the Alamo, but they'll by God remember Frogstomp. Yes sir.

©2014 Kona Lowell

You can hear a reading of this blog every Wednesday at 7 PM Central at Brass Knuckle Progressives Radio.

O. J. and the Neocons

Twenty years ago our entire nation sat glued to their TV's as a white Bronco led the LAPD on a surreal, slow-speed chase that began in Orange County and ended at the Brentwood estate of Orenthal James Simpson. After nearly an hour of negotiations, O. J. Simpson was taken into custody and the trial that would captivate and divide our country was soon to follow.

Simpson was of course accused in the grisly murders of his ex-wife, Nicole Brown Simpson, and her friend Ron Goldman and the trial was sensational not simply due to the horrific, over-kill violence of the crime, but because of the star status of the defendant. Simpson was a sports legend, a movie star and a charming celebrity pitch-man for Hertz and other companies and as a result of these achievements was wealthy and admired. Everyone liked O. J.

As the trial dragged on, it became increasingly evident to most people that Simpson was ridiculously guilty, so it was a stunned nation that watched the jury return a verdict of not guilty. Some of us celebrated, some of us were furious, but O. J. Simpson was a free man. But his life would never be the same.

And that strikes me as totally unfair.

Simpson, now behind bars in Lovelock Correctional Center for armed robbery and kidnapping, must feel really cheated when he sits in his 4 x 6 cell watching his little TV and daily witnesses fellow murderers, criminals and other noted assholes treated with respect, and even awe. They're not being hounded into self-destruction by the media and aggrieved family members. They're not being dragged into court. They thrive.

Take Dick Cheney, for example. Here's a guy who has the deaths of over 4,000 American soldiers on his hands, not to mention a few hundred thousand Iraqis, and he's allowed to pop up on the Sunday morning news shows and hold forth on foreign policy, a subject on which he has been consistently and astonishingly wrong, all while being afforded the veneration due a Churchill or a Lincoln. O. J. wasn't even allowed to simply yuck it up with the boys at ESPN about something he's a recognized expert on — football — even after he was found innocent. His career was finished.

Okay, it's true that Cheney did not kill all those people with his own two hands (as far as we know). But he did shoot an old man in the face with a shotgun, for which the victim publicly apologized profusely. And he did lie like a dog to jump-start a war that has now cost between 2 and 4 trillion dollars. And, like O. J., he has yet to admit his crime or repent for it. But O. J. is in jail, probably thinking, "Geez, I only killed two fucking people."

Or take Senator John McCain. Here's a guy who doesn't just want to attack two innocent people and slice them up, he wants to attack just about every country on the planet and slaughter millions of people with high-tech weaponry. And yet he's treated as a hero. Why? Because he was such a Navy ace he crashed 3 planes before finally being captured by the North Vietnamese? And it was there in the "Hanoi Hilton" that he was given the nickname "Songbird" by his fellow soldiers. No, it was not because he had such a lovely voice. Years later, he would work diligently to prevent POW/MIA families from getting any information whatsoever on their loved ones. But McCain is still treated like Audie Murphy by the media.

This must be hard for O. J. to take as he watches from his tiny cell. If a traitorous warmonger like McCain can be treated with entirely undue respect, why can't he at least do another Hertz commercial for cryin' out loud? He could update the one where he runs through the airport, but instead of leaping over rows of chairs, he sort of hobbles around them, complains about his bad knees and says "Renting a car doesn't have to be murder." Then he picks a white Ford Escape and drives off followed by several police cars. It would work.

But it isn't going to happen. War is war and murder is murder. So Simpson will watch as blood-drenched criminals like Cheney, McCain, Wolfowitz, Kristol, Bremmer, Feith and all the other neocon wobblefucks who were so gloriously wrong on the Iraq war once again populate the airwaves and spew the same bullshit that brought death and destruction and abject failure to so many. And people will believe them.

Sixty-six year old O.J. Simpson will be eligible for parole in 2017. My guess is he won't be released. But if he is, he won't be getting an invitation from ESPN to do color commentary. He won't have any movie offers. Hertz won't be calling his agent because he won't have an agent. He's done.

But Dick Cheney will still be talking, as long as donor hearts are available. And I think we can count on Dick to see that they are.

©2014 Kona Lowell

You can hear a reading of this blog every Wednesday at 7 PM Central at Brass Knuckle Progressives Radio.

Hope & Carry

San Antonio, Texas. Today Konajournal is on the road to look into the movement called Open Carry Texas and to try to ascertain exactly why these citizens feel the need to not only arm themselves but to openly display their weapons.

We are in San Antonio outside that famous shrine of Texas independence, The Alamo, where members of the movement have gathered. There's quite a crowd, but everyone seems to be behaving in an orderly fashion. Let's see if we can talk with a few of these well-armed activists.

"Hello, sir. I'm with Konajournal. I see you have a Glock there on your hip. Can I ask your name and why you are involved in the Open Carry movement?

"You bet. Trey Bugsdik. I'm from Waxahachie. Heck, we're just expressin' our God-given 2nd Amendment rights. It's in the Bible. If that ain't a fact, God's a possum."

"Of course. But don't you think it's a bit, well, outré?"

"You makin' fun of my name, son? Trey was my daddy's name."

"Certainly not! I meant... never mind. By the way, what kind of car do you drive?"

"Corvette, slim."

"Thank you. Thank you."

Well, that wasn't too productive. Let's see if we can talk to someone else. Ah, here's one.

"Sir, I'm with Konajournal. I see you have an AR-15 there. Can I ask your name and what brought you here today?"

"Yep. Lance Ratzwanger. I'm from just down the road a piece in Schertz. I'm here to show the government if they're fixin' to put me in some damn FEMA camp they're like to have dug up more snakes than they can kill."

"I see your t-shirt has the Obama "hope" logo on it and the word "carry." That actually is pretty clever."

"Huh?"

"Hope 'n Carry. Of course it would be funnier if you had a Cockney accent, you know, 'ope 'n carry."

"I don't get it."

"Never mind. By the way, what kind of car do you drive?"

"That big black F650 over there with the monster tires and the ladder leaning against her."

"Thank you."

Well, we're not getting any closer to understanding why these men feel the need to walk around with their weapons in the open. Let's try one more.

"Sir! Yes, you, with the flag. I'm with Konajournal. I see you have a replica of the Alamo's famous "Come and Take It" flag and a shoulder-fired rocket launcher. Can I ask your name and why you are a member of  Open Carry Texas?"

"Howdy. Billy Ray Verysmallpenis and I got more guts than you can hang on a fence, old son. That Obama don't know a widget from a whangdoodle if he thinks he can sashay down here and take our guns."

"You think he's going to do that?"

"Hell yes! That boy is as crooked as a dog's back leg! But that's why we keep our saddles oiled and our guns greased. My momma didn't raise no Moses Rose jackrabbit!"

"Okay, I don't even get that one."

"Where you from boy?"

"Hawaii."

"You sure you ain't some kinda Mexican?"

"Yes, pretty sure. By the way, what kind of car do you drive?

"That red Hummer with the super lift kit over down through there. Why?"

"Just curious. Thanks!"

"Adios, muchacho."

Well, sadly we have still not learned why these men feel the need to display their weapons in public, although there is the common thread of ostentatious vehicles and short tempers. But it wasn't a total waste of time. I did get to see The Alamo. Wonder if I should remind them how that one ended? Nah.

©2014 Kona Lowell

You can hear a reading of this blog every Wednesday at 7 PM Central at Brass Knuckle Progressives Radio.

Support Our Troops (Except This One)

Washington, DC. In a normal world, that is a world in which the President of the United States is a white male, the release of a prisoner of war would be a joyous occasion for all Americans, regardless of political party affiliation. However, the prisoner swap that released Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl, after 5 years of confinement in exchange for five senior Taliban leaders, is now overtaking the ersatz Benghazi scandal as the Republican screech-meme.

And yet, some people are shocked by this sudden fury directed at a lone, broken US soldier and his thankful family. While it's a given that all Republicans loathe President Obama and oppose virtually anything he says or does, it seems somewhat out of character for these stalwart paladins of all things military (especially defense budgets) to cry foul at his success in securing an ailing Bergdahl's freedom from deadly enemies that may have at any time deemed his usefulness at an end.

After all, Republicans are known to support our troops, as the bumpers of their vehicles sternly admonish us all to do as well. While it is true that their love for the troops is often tough love, as is seen in their slashing of veterans' benefits or skimping on superfluous provisions, like body armor, the troops themselves realize this is not neglect, not indifference, but good, old-fashioned character-building.

And the fact that almost to a man (or woman, in Sarah Palin's case), conservative bloggers, pundits and politicians were praying for and demanding that President Obama secure Sgt. Bergdahl's immediate release, and now that it's been achieved oppose it just as vehemently, has to do with one thing only: Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl is a deserter. A traitor. A Taliban sympathizer. And his dad has a beard just like a Muslim, swear to God! (or a Hassidic Jew or a Mennonite Christian, or one of the Robertson brothers, but never mind).

While the situation regarding Sgt. Bergdahl's capture has been known for years, and while there's still that minor detail about being innocent until proven guilty or some such shit, grizzled, battle-scarred warriors like Dick Cheney, Bill O'Reilly and Rush Limbaugh have seen enough, and are ready to march Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl out the back door of Landstuhl Regional Medical Facility and have him summarily shot. Or as former Green Beret, Bill Kristol, states, "It's one thing to trade terrorists for a real POW, someone who was taken on the battlefield fighting honorably for our country. It's another thing to trade away 5 high-ranking terrorists to someone who walked away." Kristol, having been accidentally locked in a changing room at Neiman-Marcus for almost 7 minutes, knows something about captivity.

So there you have it. Congressman Buck McKeon (R-CA), Chairman of the Armed Services Committee, has called for hearings, I assume to find out what Hillary Clinton knew and why she lied to protect Obama's secret ties with the Taliban. Anyway, beats voting on bills to provide health care and education for anyone stupid enough to have enlisted in the US Armed Forces.

By the way, Buck McKeon fought in the Mormon Unicorn Cavalry in Vietnam.

©2014 Kona Lowell

You can hear a reading of this blog every Wednesday at 7 PM Central at Brass Knuckle Progressives Radio.

Beware of Secret Republicans

Since most of us don't wear labels that declare our political party affiliation or dress only in blue or red to demonstrate our voting preference, how can one discern whether a person is a Republican or a Democrat?

There are some obvious giveaways for Republicans, like "Impeach the Kenyan Tyrant" bumper stickers, a Confederate flag on the back window of a 4x4, a showing-scalp flattop, or an AK-47 strapped across the back of the person in front of you at the checkout line at Piggly Wiggly.

Some Democrats are easy to spot as well, like drama teachers, scientists, people with "Run Hillary" bumper stickers, most of the people in your hot yoga class and just about any Black person you meet who isn't Allen West, Herman Cain or Michael Steele.

But be warned. There are Secret Republicans, and they're not always as easy to identify.

For example, let's say you have a friend who claims to be a staunch Democrat, but all he ever does is talk about what a lousy president Obama is and how the Democrats are all a bunch of corporate whores. Strangely, this person never seems to have a bad word to say about the GOP. This should send up a red flag. So if your friend is not a writer for Fire Dog Lake, he may be a Secret Republican. If he has a Hannity coffee mug on his desk next to a Reagan bobble-head, consider that another red flag.

Or suppose your friend claims to be an Independent. Most people usually identify as such due to sheer political apathy, an astonishing lack of relevant information or extreme narcissism. But this Independent friend is fond of telling you how he votes for the person, not the party and leads you to believe that he often votes for Democrats. Problem is, he begins every sentence with, "Well, Rand Paul says..." Unless your friend is Bernie Sanders, he's probably a Secret Republican.

However, perhaps the most difficult Secret Republican to detect is the person who seems to always be proposing an ideologically pure candidate who doesn't have a snowball's chance in hell of ever sitting behind the desk in the Oval Office. Being that these pie-in-the-sky, proposed candidates are always liberal darlings, one would readily assume that the person suggesting such is a solid, true-blue Democrat. Yet one must ask oneself, "Who exactly would benefit from running a Democrat with absolutely no chance of winning?"

Of course it's quite possible that this naive person is just that — naive — and is not really Karl Rove in a blond wig, Balinese batik and Birkenstocks. But if that same person starts making noises like, "There's no point in voting," and "Both parties are exactly the same," she may be a Secret Republican.

If not, she's just the same sort of useless, unrealistic, Skittle-shitting unicorn now or I pout Democrat that inflicted 8 years of George Bush and the 2010 Tea Party Congress on us. Come to think of it, that's pretty much the same thing.

©2014 Kona Lowell 

You can hear a reading of this blog every Wednesday at 7 PM Central at Brass Knuckle Progressives Radio.

The Disappearing Republican Scientist

Washington, DC. With Florida Senator Marco Rubio's recent pronouncement that climate change is not caused by human activity and any efforts to arrest that change will bring about irrevocable economic armageddon, the Republican Party continues to solidify its image as the anti-science party.

In some ways this is a good thing, as it distracts from the general impression that the GOP is only the anti-woman, anti-middle class, anti-union, anti-minority party, but for Rubio this could be a problem. You see, Florida is basically flat. In fact, the highest elevation in the state is 345 feet, that being Britton Hill. Whoever named this insignificant bump had the good sense not to call it Britton Mountain, possibly foreseeing that Florida would already be a punchline for myriad other reasons. But the fact remains that the average elevation in the Sunshine State is about 6 feet.

Why could this spell trouble for Senator Rubio? Because Florida is already experiencing rising tides and floods as a result of polar icecap melting and very few of his constituents can live for extended periods of time under water, although admittedly it would be amusing to watch his voters try.

Which brings us to the mysterious disappearance of Republican scientists.

Not too many years ago there were about equal numbers of scientists who identified as Republicans or Democrats. But in a Pew poll conducted back in 2009, researchers discovered an alarming phenomenon: Republican scientists were disappearing. Now only 6% of professional scientists claimed to be Republicans. Where did they go? Were they dying off? Were they being kidnapped by foreign governments? Extraterrestrials?

Actually, I lied about the mystery part to add drama. It's about as mysterious as the reason most African-Americans vote Democratic. In other words, people are averse to supporting a political party that hates their fucking guts. And with scientists, it's not just about lack of respect for their persons, but for their very profession and life's work.

This is transparently evident in the Republicans' in-your-face-Poindexter choices for seats on the House Science Committee, from current chair Lamar Smith (R-TX) who has made a career out of opposing anything that might benefit the environment while stuffing his pockets with over $500,000 in oil and gas money, to Paul Broun (R-GA) who believes evolution is "a lie from the pit of Hell," to Jim Sensenbrenner (R-WI) who opines that global warming will result in world-wide bumper crops, to Dana Rohrabacher (R-CA) who just knows that carbon dioxide is irrelevant, that polar bears are not becoming extinct and that dinosaur flatulence was responsible for past climate events. And of course to a man they all believe that climate change is a liberal hoax designed to destroy America and to make Jesus Koch cry.

That 97% of climate scientists think that these Republican oxygen thieves are dumber than a crate of football mallets means nothing to them, but it does to the scientists, who are valiantly doing what they can to keep Marco Rubio's benighted voting base from treading water in their living rooms.

The Pew poll cited here was conducted in 2009. I have not seen new numbers, but my guess is that they have not improved for the GOP. And they won't, until Republicans start treating Science and scientists with respect. I mean, Dana Rohrabacher on the Science Committee? That's like putting Michele Bachmann on the Intelligence Committee. Oh wait...

©2014 Kona Lowell

You can hear a reading of this blog every Wednesday at 7 PM Central at Brass Knuckle Progressives Radio.

America the Stupid

The United States has finally reached the tipping point wherein stupid people comprise the majority of the voting population. Whether the nation can survive this precarious imbalance is unclear, but one thing is certain: stupidity does not beget greatness. Or longevity.

This alarming fact became undeniable with the recent release of the ABC News/Washington Post poll that shows that a clear majority of registered voters, 53 to 39 percent, prefer a Republican-controlled Congress to counterbalance the (as they see it) failed policies of the Obama administration. This majority believes that the Republicans would greatly improve the economy, better handle the federal deficit and more expertly determine what federal spending to cut and which programs to sustain. And these same voters also give the GOP an edge on gun control. Yes, gun control.

Unless one has been living under a rock, and that rock being without cable, the error of these opinions should be obvious.

First of all, it is an established fact that the Republicans, under George W. Bush, are responsible for causing the worst economic meltdown since the Great Depression. When Bush left office the economy was in ruins (as it is historically after GOP presidencies) and the nation was hemorrhaging jobs at a rate of hundreds of thousands per month. President Obama stopped the bleeding and during his tenure has created over 9 million private sector jobs during 50 plus straight months of growth, all while battling Republicans hell-bent on preventing anything resembling a recovery. And of course the Dow hit record levels. But 53% of registered voters would please like to have their asses reamed out again because they're not sure if it was all that painful and want to be really, really certain.

As to the deficit, principally inflated by gross Republican malfeasance, under Obama it has fallen at the fastest rate in 60 years, but 53% of registered voters polled are seemingly unaware of this and would like the Republicans to have one more chance to see how big that balloon can get before it explodes in their shocked, too-stupid-to-fuck faces.

Then there's the suicidally simple-minded belief that Republicans will somehow cut federal spending in such a way that life as we know it will continue unaffected but all the frivolous waste will be magically eliminated. Two words: Ryan Budget. This conservative wet dream can best be summed up as obliterating Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid and all programs that benefit the poor and the struggling middle class, while shoveling buttloads of the nation's wealth into the gaping maws of the already obscenely wealthy. Oddly, the vast majority of the 53% of voters who support this are not going to be on the receiving end of these shovels. But they have bought into the pathetic delusion that 100 dollar bills will rain down on them as those over-stuffed pigs vomit forth their excess.

And, yes, these same people, some of whom are your friends, family, co-workers and neighbors, think that the Republicans will do a damn fine job with the gun issue, because... I have no fucking idea.

Of course this one poll would not be enough to prove that America is dangerously, recklessly and possibly hopelessly stupid. But when one factors in the percentages of our voting population who think that climate change is a hoax, that evolution is a demonic deception, that the sun revolves around our earth, that President Obama is foreign-born and that voting Republican is a viable, real-world option, it becomes less speculative.

Add to that the number of people who base their opinions on Fox News propaganda, that believe Limbaugh is not a lying, junkie pedophile, and that Cliven Bundy is the modern-day equivalent of Davy Crockett clubbing Mexican soldiers with the butt-end of Ol' Betsy in a valiant last stand, it becomes even less theoretical.

Or just read the comments on Yahoo any time there's an article dealing with racial issues.

In spite of this, surrender is not an option. Those of us who care will continue to fight for a country that we can be proud of, one who values all of her citizens, strives for fairness, equality and prosperity for all.

Right now America is exceptional. Exceptionally stupid. We need to change that. Maybe if those of us who aren't stupid all voted...

©2014 Kona Lowell

You can hear a reading of this blog every Wednesday at 7 PM Central at Brass Knuckle Progressives Radio.

Obamacare & the Five Stages of Republican Grief

With the Affordable Care Act, better known as Obamacare, surpassing expectations in enrollment and defying the naysayers' economic forecasts of doom, as well as predictions of the country being littered with the corpses of seniors and children, Republicans have now reached the fifth stage of grief. How they will deal with that final phase is not yet clear, but let us look at the Kübler-Ross model and how they have dealt with the first four stages.

Denial: In March, 2010, John Boehner symbolized the GOP denial of unstoppable realty best when in his final words before the vote on the House floor, he crowed like a frustrated capon that had been gorging on corn mash, "Can you say it was done openly with transparency and accountability, without backroom deals and struck behind closed doors, hidden from the people?" When Democrats responded with a resounding chorus of "Yes!", Speaker Boehner uttered the line that will be remembered as his Patrick Henry moment, "Hell no you can't!"

Yes, Republicans were in complete denial that what they most dreaded, that being an act that would prevent millions of their fellow Americans from being denied health coverage, being forced into bankruptcy or suffering and dying needlessly, was about to become law. And that in spite of the millions spent and the endless lies spewed. This could not be happening.

Anger: Yes, Republicans were angry. Of course they're always angry, but this was different. They perceived it as cruelly unfair to have this flawed and obviously unworkable law shoved down their throats, and by a Black man with questionable origin and religion yet. They began mobilizing their base, who responded by noisily taking to the streets with misspelled signs, funny hats, scooter chairs and assault weapons. So angry were they that some Republican leaders even began threatening secession, but became only angrier when the general reaction was, beside wild howls of laughter, about what one would expect from the homecoming queen being told by the school dork that he wasn't asking her to the prom. In other words, "Good! Secede you stupid fucks!"

Bargaining: Seeing that the situation was desperate, Republicans entered the next stage. Unfortunately, bargaining is not their strong suit and went something like this: "We won't destroy life as you know it if you just repeal Obamacare." However, this was not viewed as bargaining, but more as blackmail. Republican poll numbers began to plummet to never-before-seen negative digits as Americans registered their resentment at having a figurative gun stuck in the back of their collective heads because some child with leukemia might get treatment and her parents not end up in unmarked paupers' graves. Republicans gave up on bargaining.

Depression: With threatening, or as Republicans call it — bargaining — a resounding failure, the GOP entered the depression stage. As utter hopelessness took hold, they began the masturbatory process of staging meaningless repeals of Obamacare in the House, to the exclusion of all other business. When they reached fifty failed attempts, most people stopped counting, but realizing they had not yet gone blind or had hair grow on their palms, Republicans continued their pointless, costly fantasy.

Democrats were not without pity, however, and set up 1-800-REPEAL where Republicans could call and have a very sexy female voice tell them huskily that she just loved repealing Obamacare and they're so fucking hot and do it again baby. Oh yeah, do it again. Squeal.

Acceptance: This is the final stage, but Republicans are unlikely to reach it in our lifetimes. Even with 8 million people (and counting) signed up, the cost of healthcare dropping and less of our citizens likely to die, they just can't take that final, calming, humanizing step. And since they have no idea what to replace the ACA with, and no ideas for governing beyond giving rich people poor peoples' money, they will be running in 2014 and 2016 on taking health care away from millions and millions of people.

The outcome cannot yet be predicted, but one thing is certain. 1-800-REPEAL is always busy.

©2014 Kona Lowell

You can hear a reading of this blog every Wednesday at 7 PM Central at Brass Knuckle Progressives Radio.

Bill Kristol, Neocon Nostradamus

The venerated pantheon of seers and oracles is as expansive and momentous as History herself. The Oracle at Delphi, Cassandra, The Brahan Seer, Edgar Cayce, The Amazing Criswell, Jean Dixon, Miss Cleo and of course, the great Nostradamus are among the revered prophets enshrined in her temple of augury. But there is one more that must be added to that illustrious canon: Bill Kristol.

Bill Kristol, son of Irving, Father of Neoconservatism, functions as the American version of The Nechung Oracle of Tibet, counseling and forewarning heads of state, politicians and pundits with uncanny accuracy and aplomb. When not making prophetic utterances at Fox News or other outlets fervently awaiting his preeminent prognostications, Mr. Kristol holds forth from his electronic fortress of neoconservative agitprop, the esteemed American Standard. Excuse me, I meant to say Weekly Standard. American Standard manufactures toilets.

Mr. Kristol's soothsaying is legendary, and so of course keeps him in high demand among the networks' Sunday morning Republican infomercials. But what has this vaunted seer forecast that makes him so critically essential to the regressive message?

The list is extensive, but here are a few of the highlights of this breathtaking career in divination.

In 2002, Mr. Kristol eerily predicted that a war in Iraq "could have terrifically good effects throughout the Middle East."

In 2003, Mr. Kristol miraculously predicted that the Iraq War would last for two months, and that weapons of mass destruction would most certainly be found.

In 2006, he stunningly said that if Hillary Clinton "gets a race against John Edwards and Barack Obama, she’s going to be the nominee. Gore is the only threat to her, then. … Barack Obama is not going to beat Hillary Clinton in a single Democratic primary. I’ll predict that right now."

In 2007 Mr. Kristol amazingly prophesied that the Bush tax cuts would send the economy soaring through the stratosphere and that Bush would be entirely vindicated by this brilliant manoeuvre.

Again, in 2007, Mr. Kristol magically said that the civil war taking place in Iraq was not really happening.

In 2008 he wondrously predicted that Senator Ted Stevens of Alaska would defeat Mark Begich.

In 2011, Mr. Kristol knowingly forecast a Rudy Giuliani run for the presidency.

And of course in 2012, Bill Kristol preternaturally predicted an overwhelming Romney romp to victory.

Which brings us to 2014 and one of Mr. Kristol's most recent predictions, that being that Hillary Clinton will likely not run and if she does will be defeated by "a younger, fresher Republican face" because she will be "too out of step with the Democratic primary electorate in 2016."

Time will tell if Bill Kristol maintains his perfect record in prognostication, but if I were Hillary Clinton, I'd start measuring the drapes in the White House.

©2014 Kona Lowell

Catch this blog read live every Wednesday, 7 PM Central, on Brass Knuckle Progressives Radio with host Scott Henderson.

Here Come The NEW Republicans!

Washington, DC. Having realized that their brand is in serious need of spiffy new packaging, the Republican Party is launching a campaign to convince voters that there really is such an animal as a "New Republican." The project, brainorphan of Republican strategist Alex Castellanos, features Republican new kid on the block, former Governor Jeb Bush and radical upstart Governor Bobby Jindal of Louisiana.

The ad, which aired for the first time last Sunday, features the pair borrowing Jeff Foxworthy's You Might Be a Redneck schtick and modifying it ever so slightly, all while being buoyed atop bouncy, generic indie folk.

Says Governor Bush, "If you believe that every parent ought to be able to choose their child’s school, and that the economy should be driven from the bottom up, not the top down from Washington, then you’re thinking like a New Republican."

Then Governor Jindal chimes in with, "If you don’t think the Republican Party should be the party of big government, big business or big anything, you’re thinking like a New Republican."

Apparently, the focus groups Castellanos ran this ad by did not include any humorists, historians or people with perceptible cognitive abilities or with memories lasting longer than about five minutes.

Take Governor Bush's passive-aggressive call to arms. Aside from being a thinly burkaed promise to destroy public education by grabbing all the funds and handing them to their backers and cronies who run charter schools, what if all parents picked the same school? Then what? And yes, the economy is being driven from the bottom up. Driven like a herd of cattle to the slaughterhouse. But he's right. The profits are definitely not staying at the bottom.

By the way, Jeb Bush is known as "The Smart Brother." 

Governor Jindal's laughable attempt at passing off the Republican Party as the champion of The Little Guy and definitely, positively, swear to God not the party of Big Business, and steadfastly opposed to "big anything," should keep cynics amply supplied with grist for their snark mills for days. I'll pass on the obvious penis jokes but mention that he left out "big ideas." Doubt that he noticed.

And yet this smug masquerade might just work if only they were not chained at the ankles to the Tea Party. Those guys are not going to start thinking like mythical New Republicans. They're going to continue to demean women and minorities. They're going to keep equating science with demonic possession. They're going to obstruct anything and everything. They're going to fight against equal pay, raising the minimum wage, civil rights, marriage equality, voting rights, the unemployed and of course Obamacare. They're going to pursue their bogus scandals like suicidal junkie Quixotes. And every time someone like Jeb Bush waxes poetic (and uncannily human) that undocumented immigrants enter this country as an "act of love," they're going to rear up on their hind legs and demand that 12 million people be deported. Or shot. Whichever.

We've seen this attempt at rebranding before. It was called "Compassionate Conservatism." Jeb's dumber brother ran on it, and won, and he had so goddamn much compassion that up to 1,000,000 Iraqis who never did a thing to us are dead, their country decimated and we're still digging ourselves out of the economic abyss that neocon misadventure created. And these compassionate conservatives also had something of a crush on torture, but they renamed it "refined interrogation techniques." Sweet.

The point is, I can call myself an omniscient interplanetary sex mariachi, but that doesn't make me one. Here's hoping we don't get fooled again.

©2014 Kona Lowell

You can catch a live reading of this blog and more every Wednesday, 7 PM Central, on Brass Knuckle Progressives Radio