Washington, DC. Today President Obama announced another executive action, this time to put returning veterans to work. The initiative would hopefully put 8,000 returning vets to work in Community Health Centers. “I think all Americans can agree that veterans shouldn’t have to fight
for a job once they’ve come home from the fight overseas,” said Matt Flavin,
director of the Veterans, Military Families and Wounded Warrior Task
Force.
Republicans, however, were not convinced. "This is nothing but a campaign ploy," said Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY), "We want to provide real work for these returning veterans. So we are proposing our own initiative, the Keep Them Fighting Plan. These men and women are trained for one thing: fighting wars, which means blowing things up and killing people. We spent a lot of money training them to do this. And we're just going to waste it? Not on my watch!"
Asked how the plan would work, McConnell stated, "We start another war with someone. There's always a country somewhere that needs a good ass-whipping. Iran would be a good choice. Then we have instant employment for all these well-trained veterans. In fact, the way I see it, we're going to have a lot of vacancies to fill. All those college kids that can't find work will be able to start right away. Unemployed minorities, too. It's a win-win."
The plan was revealed this morning on Fox & Friends where it met with overwhelming approval of the viewing audience and was hailed by Steve Doocey as "a real economic jump-start for the weapons industry, yellow ribbon business and prosthetics makers."
© 2011 Kona Lowell
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Friday, October 21, 2011
Obama Authorizes Use of Military Force
Washington, DC. Fresh off yet another foreign policy victory, President Barack Obama today again authorized the use of US military force to combat terror.
"It is my job as Commander in Chief to protect the lives and security of the American people. There is nothing more important in my job description. This country is under attack. I will not stand idly by and watch our great nation be destroyed. Therefore, I have met with Defense Secretary Leon Panetta and General Dempsey, head of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, and authorized the use of military force to eliminate the leaders of the Republican Party. They can run, but they cannot hide. They must realize that we will find them. Thank you. Chuck?"
"Mr President, is this strictly legal? The Republican Party is comprised of American citizens."
"So was Anwar al-Awlaki, Chuck, and he did far less damage to this nation than these home-grown terrorists have done. They must be stopped before they do even more irreparable damage. They are decimating the middle class and the working poor. Our economy is on the verge of total collapse. The very life of our nation is at stake. John?"
"Mr President, are you planning on putting boots on the ground or using special ops?"
"John, I don't want to get into specifics right now. We believe this can be done efficiently and with minimal troops, and of course predator drones are available. The main thing is we must stop them before they get their hands on the nuclear option. Thank you and may God bless America."
© 2011 Kona Lowell
"It is my job as Commander in Chief to protect the lives and security of the American people. There is nothing more important in my job description. This country is under attack. I will not stand idly by and watch our great nation be destroyed. Therefore, I have met with Defense Secretary Leon Panetta and General Dempsey, head of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, and authorized the use of military force to eliminate the leaders of the Republican Party. They can run, but they cannot hide. They must realize that we will find them. Thank you. Chuck?"
"Mr President, is this strictly legal? The Republican Party is comprised of American citizens."
"So was Anwar al-Awlaki, Chuck, and he did far less damage to this nation than these home-grown terrorists have done. They must be stopped before they do even more irreparable damage. They are decimating the middle class and the working poor. Our economy is on the verge of total collapse. The very life of our nation is at stake. John?"
"Mr President, are you planning on putting boots on the ground or using special ops?"
"John, I don't want to get into specifics right now. We believe this can be done efficiently and with minimal troops, and of course predator drones are available. The main thing is we must stop them before they get their hands on the nuclear option. Thank you and may God bless America."
© 2011 Kona Lowell
Thursday, October 20, 2011
John Kasich, Asshole
On a serious note, 18 rare Bengal tigers, 17 lions, 6 black bears, two grizzlies, two wolves, a baboon, a monkey and three mountain lions are dead because you're an amoral, deregulating piece of shit. The officers who had to perform this horrible, sickening job will be affected for the rest of their lives. Sleep well, motherfucker.
Forbes Backs Perry's Flat Tax
New York, NY. One-time presidential hopeful and publishing titan Steve Forbes has all but thrown his considerable support behind a Rick Perry presidency due to Perry's just-revealed Flat Tax Plan.
Forbes told Yahoo News that Perry's plan is "the most exciting tax plan since Reagan's." While Forbes had his own flat tax plan, he thinks Perry's is even better. And he thinks Perry will be the next president because "he's got great hair, like Reagan, but lacks the empathy that can hold one back in creating a really robust business climate."
Asked what he found most promising about the Perry plan, Forbes said, "While none of the actual details are ready yet, we know it will even be a lower number than my 17%. I think rich people nationwide will get behind that. And most Americans will like it because they have no idea about this sort of thing anyway. People like flat things, like pancakes, pizza, DVD's and flat screen TV's. And pie."
Asked about the revenue side of the issue and whether it would raise enough, Forbes said that "eventually the billionaires would create more and more jobs and everyone could have a nice piece hot, juicy apple pie with vanilla ice cream melting slowly on top, Mmmmm. Can't you just taste it?"
Asked whether the plan would increase the tax burden on the poor and the middle class, Forbes replied, "Hot, juicy apple pie with vanilla ice cream melting slooowly on top. Mmmmmm."
© 2011 Kona Lowell
Forbes told Yahoo News that Perry's plan is "the most exciting tax plan since Reagan's." While Forbes had his own flat tax plan, he thinks Perry's is even better. And he thinks Perry will be the next president because "he's got great hair, like Reagan, but lacks the empathy that can hold one back in creating a really robust business climate."
Asked what he found most promising about the Perry plan, Forbes said, "While none of the actual details are ready yet, we know it will even be a lower number than my 17%. I think rich people nationwide will get behind that. And most Americans will like it because they have no idea about this sort of thing anyway. People like flat things, like pancakes, pizza, DVD's and flat screen TV's. And pie."
Asked about the revenue side of the issue and whether it would raise enough, Forbes said that "eventually the billionaires would create more and more jobs and everyone could have a nice piece hot, juicy apple pie with vanilla ice cream melting slowly on top, Mmmmm. Can't you just taste it?"
Asked whether the plan would increase the tax burden on the poor and the middle class, Forbes replied, "Hot, juicy apple pie with vanilla ice cream melting slooowly on top. Mmmmmm."
© 2011 Kona Lowell
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Oh, OH
I want to rename a town in Ohio "Oh" so the address would be Oh, OH. Which one does Kasich live in? That would be the one.
GOP Narrows Its Sights
Washington, DC. Republicans are employing a new strategy to win the presidential election in 2012 and extend their power into the coming decades. They are focusing all their effort on gaining complete control of the 1% of Americans with the most wealth and political influence.
For some time, the GOP was content to only alienate gays, blacks and Latinos. "I'm not going to campaign by getting up on stage and singing show tunes in Spanish while break-dancing," vowed Mitt Romney, "Any way, I've got a bad back."
But today's GOP is ridding itself of union workers, women, the young, the unemployed, first responders, the poor and the grumbling middle class in an effort to make the "Big Tent" smaller and more effective.
"We can't make everybody happy," said Mitch McConnell (R-KY), "But we can make the very wealthy 1% simply delirious. Pleasing the middle class is a zero-sum game. But trying to help the poor, well, that's like being an actual Christian. No percentage in that."
Asked how they would manage to get enough votes from 1% of the population to overcome the other 99%, Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) shrugged and said, "The same way we always do."
© 2011 Kona Lowell
For some time, the GOP was content to only alienate gays, blacks and Latinos. "I'm not going to campaign by getting up on stage and singing show tunes in Spanish while break-dancing," vowed Mitt Romney, "Any way, I've got a bad back."
But today's GOP is ridding itself of union workers, women, the young, the unemployed, first responders, the poor and the grumbling middle class in an effort to make the "Big Tent" smaller and more effective.
"We can't make everybody happy," said Mitch McConnell (R-KY), "But we can make the very wealthy 1% simply delirious. Pleasing the middle class is a zero-sum game. But trying to help the poor, well, that's like being an actual Christian. No percentage in that."
Asked how they would manage to get enough votes from 1% of the population to overcome the other 99%, Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) shrugged and said, "The same way we always do."
© 2011 Kona Lowell
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
GOP Debate Highlights
Las Vegas, NV. As befitting Vegas, the fireworks were certainly non-stop in this, the 37th GOP debate tonight. Here's a recap of some of the most dramatic moments before the ambulances arrived.
6:15 Romney displays visible resentment at Perry continually calling him "Morm" instead of Mitt.
6:19 Herman Cain defends his 999 Plan by talking about different kinds of fruit.
6:21 Romney reminds Perry again that is name is Mitt, not Morm.
6:24 Cain defends his 999 Pan by talking about different kinds of vegetables.
6:26 Perry calls Romney "Morm" again.
6:29 Newt Gingrich says something about Nazis and Islam and Reagan.
6:31 Michelle Bachmann suggests that Iranians have infiltrated the House of Representatives.
6:33 Perry pees on Romney's shoe. Romney punches Perry in the nose.
6:35 Dr Ron Paul refuses to stop Perry's nose bleed on the grounds that it would be infringing on his rights.
6:37 Cain defends his 999 Plan by talking about different kinds of fish.
6:39 Rick Santorum comes out on national TV in the hopes of getting the Log Cabin Republican vote.
6:41 Bachmann screams "Iranian!" at Santorum and begins stabbing him with a pencil.
6:42 Paul refuses to stop Santorum's bleeding on the grounds that it would be government interference.
6:44 Cain defends his 999 Plan by talking about different kinds of rodents.
6:46 Bachmann is finally subdued with a tranquilizer dart.
6:50: Perry kicks Romney in the balls. Romney looks puzzled.
6:53 Santorum stage dives into the crowd and disappears.
6:57 Cain defends his 999 Plan by talking about different kinds of trees.
7:01 Anderson Cooper pulls his own head off.
7:03 CNN brings in John King to finish moderating the debate.
7:06 Gingrich talks about the importance of faith and marriage.
7:07 Gingrich struck and killed by a rare indoor lightning bolt.
7:09 Cain electrocuted by his lapel mic while defending his 999 Plan by talking about different kinds of marsupials.
7:13 Romney accidentally stabs Perry in the eye with an ice pick, killing him instantly. Then baptizes him.
7: 15 Ron Paul has apparently died of natural causes.
7:16 CNN's David Gergen declares Romney the winner of the debate. John King still thinks Perry might come back to life. Wolf Blitzer reminds them that Huntsman was not at the debate and is therefore still alive. A CNN viewer poll shows Romney holding steady at 23%.
© 2011 Kona Lowell
6:15 Romney displays visible resentment at Perry continually calling him "Morm" instead of Mitt.
6:19 Herman Cain defends his 999 Plan by talking about different kinds of fruit.
6:21 Romney reminds Perry again that is name is Mitt, not Morm.
6:24 Cain defends his 999 Pan by talking about different kinds of vegetables.
6:26 Perry calls Romney "Morm" again.
6:29 Newt Gingrich says something about Nazis and Islam and Reagan.
6:31 Michelle Bachmann suggests that Iranians have infiltrated the House of Representatives.
6:33 Perry pees on Romney's shoe. Romney punches Perry in the nose.
6:35 Dr Ron Paul refuses to stop Perry's nose bleed on the grounds that it would be infringing on his rights.
6:37 Cain defends his 999 Plan by talking about different kinds of fish.
6:39 Rick Santorum comes out on national TV in the hopes of getting the Log Cabin Republican vote.
6:41 Bachmann screams "Iranian!" at Santorum and begins stabbing him with a pencil.
6:42 Paul refuses to stop Santorum's bleeding on the grounds that it would be government interference.
6:44 Cain defends his 999 Plan by talking about different kinds of rodents.
6:46 Bachmann is finally subdued with a tranquilizer dart.
6:50: Perry kicks Romney in the balls. Romney looks puzzled.
6:53 Santorum stage dives into the crowd and disappears.
6:57 Cain defends his 999 Plan by talking about different kinds of trees.
7:01 Anderson Cooper pulls his own head off.
7:03 CNN brings in John King to finish moderating the debate.
7:06 Gingrich talks about the importance of faith and marriage.
7:07 Gingrich struck and killed by a rare indoor lightning bolt.
7:09 Cain electrocuted by his lapel mic while defending his 999 Plan by talking about different kinds of marsupials.
7:13 Romney accidentally stabs Perry in the eye with an ice pick, killing him instantly. Then baptizes him.
7: 15 Ron Paul has apparently died of natural causes.
7:16 CNN's David Gergen declares Romney the winner of the debate. John King still thinks Perry might come back to life. Wolf Blitzer reminds them that Huntsman was not at the debate and is therefore still alive. A CNN viewer poll shows Romney holding steady at 23%.
© 2011 Kona Lowell
Monday, October 17, 2011
Herman Cain: "Just Kidding!"
Washington, DC. Presidential hopeful Herman Cain is now claiming that his plan to electrocute people crossing the border illegally was only a joke.
"That's a joke," Cain said on NBC's "Meet the Press." "I've also said America needs to get a sense of humor. That was a joke, OK."
This walkback comes in response to the outrage expressed over Cain's recent comments Saturday at a rally in Tennessee when Cain stated, "When I'm in charge of the fence, we going to have a fence. It's going to be 20 feet high. It's going to have barbed wire on the top. It's going to be electrocuted, electrified," Cain said. "And there's going to be a sign on the other side that says it will kill you."
"That's not a serious plan," Cain said Sunday to David Gregory, "What I really want is to dig some of those tiger pits like we had in Vietnam, you know, with the big sharp sticks in them with poison on the tips. We could dig them under trees, and hang pinatas from the branches. Then when the Mexicans went to hit the pinatas, boom. You know? And then we would of course position snipers behind fake taco stands to pick off any who didn't fall into the hole. Then of course the predator drones would mop up any who managed to get past the snipers."
"Don't you think that some people might see that as a bit harsh?" responded Gregory.
"No, David, I don't think so. The American people want solutions. But we could just fill the Rio Grande with alligators, piranhas and small personnel mines. I just thought the tiger pits were less messy. You can just fill them in when you're done."
"And how did you come up with those funny lyrics to John Lennon's Imagine, Mr Cain?"
© 2011 Kona Lowell
"That's a joke," Cain said on NBC's "Meet the Press." "I've also said America needs to get a sense of humor. That was a joke, OK."
This walkback comes in response to the outrage expressed over Cain's recent comments Saturday at a rally in Tennessee when Cain stated, "When I'm in charge of the fence, we going to have a fence. It's going to be 20 feet high. It's going to have barbed wire on the top. It's going to be electrocuted, electrified," Cain said. "And there's going to be a sign on the other side that says it will kill you."
"That's not a serious plan," Cain said Sunday to David Gregory, "What I really want is to dig some of those tiger pits like we had in Vietnam, you know, with the big sharp sticks in them with poison on the tips. We could dig them under trees, and hang pinatas from the branches. Then when the Mexicans went to hit the pinatas, boom. You know? And then we would of course position snipers behind fake taco stands to pick off any who didn't fall into the hole. Then of course the predator drones would mop up any who managed to get past the snipers."
"Don't you think that some people might see that as a bit harsh?" responded Gregory.
"No, David, I don't think so. The American people want solutions. But we could just fill the Rio Grande with alligators, piranhas and small personnel mines. I just thought the tiger pits were less messy. You can just fill them in when you're done."
"And how did you come up with those funny lyrics to John Lennon's Imagine, Mr Cain?"
© 2011 Kona Lowell
Friday, October 14, 2011
New Pew Survey of Tea Party Members
Washington, DC. Today the Pew Research Center released a new survey of the Tea Party designed to determine their beliefs on a number of historical events as well as issues both scientific and political. It is hardly surprising that most members tend to vote Republican and lean to the right on social issues, but many sociologists were surprised that so many of their firmly held beliefs had no basis in reality. For example:
89% of Tea Party members believe that corporations are not only people, but most likely their real parents.
76% believe that Benjamin Franklin invented the kite and the phrase associated with it.
91% believe that President Obama is not only a Muslim from Kenya that is probably the Antichrist, but is also secretly rigging NASCAR.
73% believe that Jesus was a blond-haired, blue-eyed Norwegian that looked nothing like the Palestinians in his neighborhood. This is the only thing they agree with the Mormons on.
81% believe that they have seen Elvis at Walmart and that he looks pretty good for a guy his age, even in spandex.
87% believe that Sarah Palin won on Jeopardy twice, but the liberal lamestream media would not run the damn episodes.
99% believe the Arab world hates us for our Fritos.
74% believe that country music will be played in heaven. On banjos.
93% believe that fluoride in the water caused their teeth to fall out, not Mountain Dew, those little chocolate donuts or Auntie Billie's pralines.
84% believe that everyone should have a gun (except gays, liberals, Muslims, immigrants and minorities).
96% believe that Marcus Bachmann is not gay, just very, very happy.
81% believe that a romantic dinner requires candles, mood music, taking the chicken out of the bucket and using napkins.
78% believe that Democrats want to take away their gums.
98% believe that gay cousins should not be able to marry.
100% believe that the Tea Party is a real, grassroots movement and that they are not being useful idiots for corporate entities who will chuckle as they die in poverty, ignorance and shame due to the lack of health care they fought against.
© 2011 Kona Lowell
89% of Tea Party members believe that corporations are not only people, but most likely their real parents.
76% believe that Benjamin Franklin invented the kite and the phrase associated with it.
91% believe that President Obama is not only a Muslim from Kenya that is probably the Antichrist, but is also secretly rigging NASCAR.
73% believe that Jesus was a blond-haired, blue-eyed Norwegian that looked nothing like the Palestinians in his neighborhood. This is the only thing they agree with the Mormons on.
81% believe that they have seen Elvis at Walmart and that he looks pretty good for a guy his age, even in spandex.
87% believe that Sarah Palin won on Jeopardy twice, but the liberal lamestream media would not run the damn episodes.
99% believe the Arab world hates us for our Fritos.
74% believe that country music will be played in heaven. On banjos.
93% believe that fluoride in the water caused their teeth to fall out, not Mountain Dew, those little chocolate donuts or Auntie Billie's pralines.
84% believe that everyone should have a gun (except gays, liberals, Muslims, immigrants and minorities).
96% believe that Marcus Bachmann is not gay, just very, very happy.
81% believe that a romantic dinner requires candles, mood music, taking the chicken out of the bucket and using napkins.
78% believe that Democrats want to take away their gums.
98% believe that gay cousins should not be able to marry.
100% believe that the Tea Party is a real, grassroots movement and that they are not being useful idiots for corporate entities who will chuckle as they die in poverty, ignorance and shame due to the lack of health care they fought against.
© 2011 Kona Lowell
Herman Cain: The Ideal Republican Candidate
Washington, DC. As the new NBC/Wall Street Journal poll shows, Herman Cain is the cream rising to the top of the GOP bucket. Cain now leads Romney 27% to 23%, proving Republicans desire most to be represented by someone who knows absolutely nothing about government.
Cain does amazingly well with primary voters, but among Tea Party supporters his numbers are even higher, his favorable/unfavorable score being 69 % to 5 %. And among those Republicans identifying themselves as “very conservative,” it’s 72 % to 2 %.
The main reason Cain does so well among these voters is his utter lack of experience. The closest he's come to holding office was his term as president of the National Restaurant Association. Conservatives of all stripes see this as a positive boon.
Aside from his laudable inexperience at all things political, Cain has other assets the GOP demands from its candidates, such as an almost magical ability to deal with any issue in a fact-free manner.
Commenting on the Occupy Wall St. protests recently, Cain stated, "I don't have the facts to back this up," and then continued, "These demonstrations are planned and orchestrated to distract from the failed policies of the Obama administration." Good enough to gain the support of a majority of Republicans. That's exactly what they want to hear: a man who could possibly be Commander in Chief arriving at conclusions by gut alone.
But lack of experience and the innate ability to disregard facts are not Cain's only selling points. He also believes that sharia law is an imminent danger and that Muslim Americans should be required to take a special loyalty oath. He believes that being gay is a choice and that gays are "Godless." He is a staunch defender of a woman's duty to carry every pregnancy to term and believes that Planned Parenthood practices eugenics. This is dream-candidate talk for the GOP faithful.
But there's more. Cain's much-praised 999 Plan has even Congressman Paul Ryan swooning. Not only does this plan reduce taxes dramatically for the rich, it fucks the working poor and middle class like they've never been fucked before, all while making the continuation of Social Security and Medicare nearly impossible due to plummeting revenue.
All of this would be enough of course to please most conservatives. But there's more, and it's sheer genius.
Herman Cain is a black man. His father worked three jobs: janitor, barber and chauffeur. His mother worked as a maid. Who better to call black Americans shiftless and lazy and "brainwashed"? Rush Limbaugh can do this all day (and does), but it smacks of racism. Cain, being black, can demean other blacks without worrying about the racism charge. It's brilliant. And even better, he can run against an incumbent black president and claim to actually be blacker.
In spite of this, there are still some GOP candidates who believe that Cain is vulnerable. For example, when asked how his proposed corporate income tax would apply to products manufactured in other countries but designed and sold in the U.S market., Cain replied, "I have no idea." Romney and Perry see this as a weakness. They are dead wrong. They do not understand their own voters. They misread the mentality of the Tea Party. Their base wants someone who knows absolutely nothing. Just like them.
Herman Cain could win the Republican nomination with a very simple bumper sticker: I HAVE NO IDEA.
© 2011 Kona Lowell
Cain does amazingly well with primary voters, but among Tea Party supporters his numbers are even higher, his favorable/unfavorable score being 69 % to 5 %. And among those Republicans identifying themselves as “very conservative,” it’s 72 % to 2 %.
The main reason Cain does so well among these voters is his utter lack of experience. The closest he's come to holding office was his term as president of the National Restaurant Association. Conservatives of all stripes see this as a positive boon.
Aside from his laudable inexperience at all things political, Cain has other assets the GOP demands from its candidates, such as an almost magical ability to deal with any issue in a fact-free manner.
Commenting on the Occupy Wall St. protests recently, Cain stated, "I don't have the facts to back this up," and then continued, "These demonstrations are planned and orchestrated to distract from the failed policies of the Obama administration." Good enough to gain the support of a majority of Republicans. That's exactly what they want to hear: a man who could possibly be Commander in Chief arriving at conclusions by gut alone.
But lack of experience and the innate ability to disregard facts are not Cain's only selling points. He also believes that sharia law is an imminent danger and that Muslim Americans should be required to take a special loyalty oath. He believes that being gay is a choice and that gays are "Godless." He is a staunch defender of a woman's duty to carry every pregnancy to term and believes that Planned Parenthood practices eugenics. This is dream-candidate talk for the GOP faithful.
But there's more. Cain's much-praised 999 Plan has even Congressman Paul Ryan swooning. Not only does this plan reduce taxes dramatically for the rich, it fucks the working poor and middle class like they've never been fucked before, all while making the continuation of Social Security and Medicare nearly impossible due to plummeting revenue.
All of this would be enough of course to please most conservatives. But there's more, and it's sheer genius.
Herman Cain is a black man. His father worked three jobs: janitor, barber and chauffeur. His mother worked as a maid. Who better to call black Americans shiftless and lazy and "brainwashed"? Rush Limbaugh can do this all day (and does), but it smacks of racism. Cain, being black, can demean other blacks without worrying about the racism charge. It's brilliant. And even better, he can run against an incumbent black president and claim to actually be blacker.
In spite of this, there are still some GOP candidates who believe that Cain is vulnerable. For example, when asked how his proposed corporate income tax would apply to products manufactured in other countries but designed and sold in the U.S market., Cain replied, "I have no idea." Romney and Perry see this as a weakness. They are dead wrong. They do not understand their own voters. They misread the mentality of the Tea Party. Their base wants someone who knows absolutely nothing. Just like them.
Herman Cain could win the Republican nomination with a very simple bumper sticker: I HAVE NO IDEA.
© 2011 Kona Lowell
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Perry Stands by 16th Century Revolution Date
Austin, TX. A beleaguered Governor Rick Perry today was standing firm on his statement at a Dartmouth fraternity house last night following his lackluster debate performance. When asked about states' rights, Perry had said, "Our Founding Fathers never meant for Washington, D.C. to be the fount of all wisdom. As a matter of fact they were very much afraid of that because they'd
just had this experience with this far-away government that had
centralized thought process and planning and what have you, and then it
was actually the reason that we fought the revolution in the 16th
century was to get away from that kind of onerous crown if you will."
Many pundits and some smart people saw this as yet another gaff, but Governor Perry adamantly denied this.
"I'm Scottish. I was referring to the Scottish Rebellion of 1567 in which Scotland's Protestant Lords raised an
army and, at Carberry Hill, took the Queen, Mary Queen of Scots, prisoner for her offensive lifestyle and flagrant Catholicism. So fuck you."
© 2011 Kona Lowell
© 2011 Kona Lowell
Romney Surges, Tea Party Simmers
Washington, DC. Mitt Romney has now established the lead in the GOP hunt for the Republican presidential nomination, with dark horse candidate Herman Cain nipping at his heels. Romney has soared from a dismal 20% in June to a lofty 23% (undoubtedly aided by Chris Christie's endorsement) while pizza magnate and political newcomer Cain has risen from 7% to 19%. They are being chased by libertarian-on-most-things Ron Paul with 13% and a rapidly deflating Rick Perry with 10%.
And yet all is not well for presumptive nominee Romney. Tea Party voters, still reeling from Sarah Palin's decision to place celebrity and large bags of untraceable cash over country, are not ready to board the Romney train to Mormonville. And with Governor Rick Perry appearing uneasy about shooting Mexicans on sight, Tea Party faithful can only hope a savior emerges, and emerges soon.
"We need a guy who will take America back," said Tea Party patriot Lance "Dick" Small, "to where it used to be in the old days, instead of being stuck between Canada and Mexico."
"Romneycare is the same damn thing as Obamacare," said Tea Party activist Bille Mae Spigot. "The only damn difference is one is from Massachusetts and t'other's from Kenya. I don't want either damn deal. I got this scooter chair with my Medicare, not from some damn cultist or from some socialist witch doctor. I'm voting for Sarah whether she runs or not. She's been ordained by God."
"I'm starting a write-in campaign for Chuck Norris," said Civil War re-enactor Bud Wanker. "Chuck would kick some ass. He could patrol the damn border all by himself. Romney can't even do a spinning back kick."
"It just comes down to who hates Muslims the most," said Jack Dale Lee. "Romney ain't tough enough on that sharia law deal. And he's a Mormon. They like having all those wives, too. If he becomes president, we'll all be praying to Mecca, eating goat meat and ridin' goddamn camels! Cain hates them A-rabs, but damn it, he's blacker than Obama! Where's that Chuck Norris petition?"
© 2011 Kona Lowell
And yet all is not well for presumptive nominee Romney. Tea Party voters, still reeling from Sarah Palin's decision to place celebrity and large bags of untraceable cash over country, are not ready to board the Romney train to Mormonville. And with Governor Rick Perry appearing uneasy about shooting Mexicans on sight, Tea Party faithful can only hope a savior emerges, and emerges soon.
"We need a guy who will take America back," said Tea Party patriot Lance "Dick" Small, "to where it used to be in the old days, instead of being stuck between Canada and Mexico."
"Romneycare is the same damn thing as Obamacare," said Tea Party activist Bille Mae Spigot. "The only damn difference is one is from Massachusetts and t'other's from Kenya. I don't want either damn deal. I got this scooter chair with my Medicare, not from some damn cultist or from some socialist witch doctor. I'm voting for Sarah whether she runs or not. She's been ordained by God."
"I'm starting a write-in campaign for Chuck Norris," said Civil War re-enactor Bud Wanker. "Chuck would kick some ass. He could patrol the damn border all by himself. Romney can't even do a spinning back kick."
"It just comes down to who hates Muslims the most," said Jack Dale Lee. "Romney ain't tough enough on that sharia law deal. And he's a Mormon. They like having all those wives, too. If he becomes president, we'll all be praying to Mecca, eating goat meat and ridin' goddamn camels! Cain hates them A-rabs, but damn it, he's blacker than Obama! Where's that Chuck Norris petition?"
© 2011 Kona Lowell
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Christie Comes Out in Favor of White Bread
Lebanon, NH. Today New Jersey Governor Chris Christie threw his considerable weight behind Mitt Romney, endorsing him for the GOP presidential nomination. Said Christie, "I believe he's the best person to be able to articulate Republican
values as well as the best candidate to defeat
President Barack Obama in 2012.
"He will be able to carry out our anti-union, corporatist agenda in a much more stealthy manner than I would have been able to do. I'm not too good at sneaking up on people, but Mitt has been a political ninja for years.
"I would have gone with Perry, but he even scares me. I think it's the eyes. They're even beadier than mine. Mitt is white bread. I love white bread. No, I don't mean I like white bread, I mean I love it. I could eat several loaves of it at a time. With bologna or peanut butter or big dollops of lard. But Mitt, he's like a big fresh loaf of Wonder Bread. Everybody loves Wonder Bread. And Twinkies."
Romney thanked Governor Christie for his endorsement and called him a "real Republican hero" or at least a foot long sub with lots of peppers and cheese.
"I am going to work very hard to be worthy of this endorsement, "said Romney. "The Governor is also going to give me a bit of coaching on how to talk and act like a real human. I'm watching Jersey Shore reruns, too. I've got one line down perfectly now, which I intend to use in tonight's debate: 'Please, you should really forget about that!' I will be saying that a lot."
Romney and his wife also had a shipping container of Wonder Bread delivered to the New Jersey Governor's mansion as a parting gift.
© 2011 Kona Lowell
"He will be able to carry out our anti-union, corporatist agenda in a much more stealthy manner than I would have been able to do. I'm not too good at sneaking up on people, but Mitt has been a political ninja for years.
"I would have gone with Perry, but he even scares me. I think it's the eyes. They're even beadier than mine. Mitt is white bread. I love white bread. No, I don't mean I like white bread, I mean I love it. I could eat several loaves of it at a time. With bologna or peanut butter or big dollops of lard. But Mitt, he's like a big fresh loaf of Wonder Bread. Everybody loves Wonder Bread. And Twinkies."
Romney thanked Governor Christie for his endorsement and called him a "real Republican hero" or at least a foot long sub with lots of peppers and cheese.
"I am going to work very hard to be worthy of this endorsement, "said Romney. "The Governor is also going to give me a bit of coaching on how to talk and act like a real human. I'm watching Jersey Shore reruns, too. I've got one line down perfectly now, which I intend to use in tonight's debate: 'Please, you should really forget about that!' I will be saying that a lot."
Romney and his wife also had a shipping container of Wonder Bread delivered to the New Jersey Governor's mansion as a parting gift.
© 2011 Kona Lowell
Monday, October 10, 2011
Columbus Day in Hawaii
In honor of Columbus, I'm making my famous Genoese ziti for dinner tonight with a nice Coda di Volpe. Afterwards, we are going to burn down my neighbor's house and build a mission on the smoking remains. If he refuses to convert, we'll kill him. It's going to be tough. He's a nuclear physicist and an atheist.
© 2011 Kona Lowell
© 2011 Kona Lowell
The Return of Joe the Plumber
Drayno, Ohio. Today Samuel Joseph Wurzelbacher filed the necessary papers with the FEC to run for the seat now held by Marcy Kaptur in Ohio's 9th district. Wurzelbacher, who gained notoriety during the McCain campaign as "Joe the Plumber," will likely run as a Tea Party candidate.
"I think it's time we had a little more honesty and less phoniness in politics," said Wurzelbacher, who is neither a plumber nor named Joe. "And it's also time we had more people who have no idea how government works or what the issues are making dire decisions that affect the very lives of our citizens. I'm ready to do my part. What I did for the McCain campaign, I want to do for my country."
Asked if he could fix a leak in the press bathroom, Mr Wurzelbacher declined, saying he did not feel qualified to do that.
© 2011 Kona Lowell
"I think it's time we had a little more honesty and less phoniness in politics," said Wurzelbacher, who is neither a plumber nor named Joe. "And it's also time we had more people who have no idea how government works or what the issues are making dire decisions that affect the very lives of our citizens. I'm ready to do my part. What I did for the McCain campaign, I want to do for my country."
Asked if he could fix a leak in the press bathroom, Mr Wurzelbacher declined, saying he did not feel qualified to do that.
© 2011 Kona Lowell
Saturday, October 8, 2011
Protein Shake Argument
My wife and I were arguing about whether I should use whey protein in my morning workout shake.
"No whey," she said.
"Whey," I said.
© 2011 Kona Lowell
"No whey," she said.
"Whey," I said.
© 2011 Kona Lowell
Friday, October 7, 2011
Wall St. Counter-Protest Goes Awry
New York, NY. Upset by the burgeoning Occupy Wall St. protests, several dozen bankers organized a counter-protest in the hopes of getting their own message out and squelching the movement in its infancy. Called Occupy Main St., the bankers loaded up several stretch limousines and headed to Bedford-Stuyvesant, where they erected several large solar-powered yurts in Fulton Park.
Said Tad Walmarton III, "We bankers have rights as well, you know. If you intend to encamp in our front yard, we shall therefore encamp in yours. I have experienced rough and tumble living before, when as a young lad I spent two weeks at French camp in the Adirondacks. My fellow bankers likewise have erstwhile experience in dealing with the vagaries of inconvenient living and we intend to stay until our non-negotiable demands are acceded to."
With that, the string quartet began playing "We Shall Overcome" as waiters dispensed champagne and finger sandwiches to the protesters. Area residents began to gather and some jeering was heard.
Unfortunately, when we returned the following morning to report on the OMS protest progress, there was no one to be found. All the yurts were gone and no sign of the campers was to be seen. Police dogs were called in and followed a pâté trail that led out of the park, but it ended in a blind alley.
"Well, I'm stumped," said Lieutenant McMahon. "They just disappeared. It's the damnedest thing. No one saw nothin'. I'm leanin' towards space alien abduction."
Police ask that if you have any information on the missing bankers to please call the non-emergency number at the station and leave a message.
© 2011 Kona Lowell
Said Tad Walmarton III, "We bankers have rights as well, you know. If you intend to encamp in our front yard, we shall therefore encamp in yours. I have experienced rough and tumble living before, when as a young lad I spent two weeks at French camp in the Adirondacks. My fellow bankers likewise have erstwhile experience in dealing with the vagaries of inconvenient living and we intend to stay until our non-negotiable demands are acceded to."
With that, the string quartet began playing "We Shall Overcome" as waiters dispensed champagne and finger sandwiches to the protesters. Area residents began to gather and some jeering was heard.
Unfortunately, when we returned the following morning to report on the OMS protest progress, there was no one to be found. All the yurts were gone and no sign of the campers was to be seen. Police dogs were called in and followed a pâté trail that led out of the park, but it ended in a blind alley.
"Well, I'm stumped," said Lieutenant McMahon. "They just disappeared. It's the damnedest thing. No one saw nothin'. I'm leanin' towards space alien abduction."
Police ask that if you have any information on the missing bankers to please call the non-emergency number at the station and leave a message.
© 2011 Kona Lowell
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Hank, Jr. Moves On to Greater Things
Nashville, TN. Hank Williams, Jr. may be bloodied but he remains unbowed after his dismissal from ESPN's Monday Night Football. Writing on his website, Bocephus declares, with many eerily Teutonic-like capitalized words:
“After reading hundreds of e-mails, I have made MY decision,” the singer wrote. “By pulling my opening Oct 3rd, You (ESPN) stepped on the Toes of The First Amendment.”
“Freedom of Speech, so therefore Me, My Song, and All My Rowdy Friends are OUT OF HERE. It’s been a great run.”
Asked what his plans are, the musician replied, "Well, I have a Piggly Wiggly opening in West Hawkins in a week, then the Sons of the Confederacy Picnic next month in Jefferson City. Then at Christmas we have a White Aryan Resistance dance at the Legion Hall in Forksburg. I'm gonna be busier than a cow's tail in fly season."
But this is not all that will be occupying the Rowdy One in coming months. A new book is in the works, Are You Ready for Some Foot in the Balls, Ni**er? s well as his own fragrance for white males, Bocephus.
"It's smells like Jack Daniels, gunpowder and tire marks with just a hint of white musk. We're also working on a line of Confederate flag clothing for children, called Webel Webel and my favorite, a line of bedding, all in white of course."
© 2011 Kona Lowell
“After reading hundreds of e-mails, I have made MY decision,” the singer wrote. “By pulling my opening Oct 3rd, You (ESPN) stepped on the Toes of The First Amendment.”
“Freedom of Speech, so therefore Me, My Song, and All My Rowdy Friends are OUT OF HERE. It’s been a great run.”
Asked what his plans are, the musician replied, "Well, I have a Piggly Wiggly opening in West Hawkins in a week, then the Sons of the Confederacy Picnic next month in Jefferson City. Then at Christmas we have a White Aryan Resistance dance at the Legion Hall in Forksburg. I'm gonna be busier than a cow's tail in fly season."
But this is not all that will be occupying the Rowdy One in coming months. A new book is in the works, Are You Ready for Some Foot in the Balls, Ni**er? s well as his own fragrance for white males, Bocephus.
"It's smells like Jack Daniels, gunpowder and tire marks with just a hint of white musk. We're also working on a line of Confederate flag clothing for children, called Webel Webel and my favorite, a line of bedding, all in white of course."
© 2011 Kona Lowell
Herman Cain: It's a Choice
Atlanta, GA. Presidential candidate and pizza CEO Herman Cain ruffled feathers today when he claimed that being black was a choice, adding more fuel to the Nature vs Nurture debate.
"I am black by choice. It's a conscious decision. I knew that if I wanted to have any chance in the Republican Party, I would have to be the lone black candidate. Selling pizza isn't a real springboard to the presidency."
Asked how he became black, Cain responded, "It took a lot of effort. I watched a lot of reruns of The Jeffersons and Good Times."
The other GOP candidates reacted to this announcement positively. "I think Mr Cain is a courageous fellow to admit this," said Mitt Romney. "It just shows what can be accomplished if someone really wants to change. I used to be Chinese."
Jon Huntsman was the only dissenting voice, claiming that one is simply born black and cannot become black. He was immediately set upon by several of the other GOP candidates and beaten senseless.
"It's just like being left-handed," Mr Cain added, "it's a choice."
© 2011 Kona Lowell
"I am black by choice. It's a conscious decision. I knew that if I wanted to have any chance in the Republican Party, I would have to be the lone black candidate. Selling pizza isn't a real springboard to the presidency."
Asked how he became black, Cain responded, "It took a lot of effort. I watched a lot of reruns of The Jeffersons and Good Times."
The other GOP candidates reacted to this announcement positively. "I think Mr Cain is a courageous fellow to admit this," said Mitt Romney. "It just shows what can be accomplished if someone really wants to change. I used to be Chinese."
Jon Huntsman was the only dissenting voice, claiming that one is simply born black and cannot become black. He was immediately set upon by several of the other GOP candidates and beaten senseless.
"It's just like being left-handed," Mr Cain added, "it's a choice."
© 2011 Kona Lowell
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Wherefore Art Thou?
Washington, DC. The Republican Party is curled up in the fetal position on the couch and only getting up periodically to eat a half gallon of tin roof ice cream and cry into the mirror over the latest jilting by Governor Chris Christie.
She tried calling Governor Mitch Daniels, but he doesn't call back. Ever. Was it something she said? Did? Bastard.
"I'm fat and ugly," The Republican Party sobbed. "Tim Pawlenty only went on one date with me. And he didn't even kiss me."
The Republican Party trudges back to the refrigerator and takes out a new half gallon of cookie dough ice cream, slouches back to the living room and flops on the couch.
"Donald didn't even want me, and he'll fuck anything. I hate myself. Rudy doesn't want me. Huckabee would rather be on TV playing his bass. Maybe if I changed my hair..."
Suddenly, the phone rings.
"Hello? Yes, this is the Republican Party! Yes, I'd love to!!! Thank you! Eight o'clock! Yes! I'll be there! Thank you!"
The Republican Party runs to the bedroom and lays her best dress on the bed.
"I'm so excited! I just hope Mitt has a little better staying power this time. He's such a good dancer."
© 2011 Kona Lowell
She tried calling Governor Mitch Daniels, but he doesn't call back. Ever. Was it something she said? Did? Bastard.
"I'm fat and ugly," The Republican Party sobbed. "Tim Pawlenty only went on one date with me. And he didn't even kiss me."
The Republican Party trudges back to the refrigerator and takes out a new half gallon of cookie dough ice cream, slouches back to the living room and flops on the couch.
"Donald didn't even want me, and he'll fuck anything. I hate myself. Rudy doesn't want me. Huckabee would rather be on TV playing his bass. Maybe if I changed my hair..."
Suddenly, the phone rings.
"Hello? Yes, this is the Republican Party! Yes, I'd love to!!! Thank you! Eight o'clock! Yes! I'll be there! Thank you!"
The Republican Party runs to the bedroom and lays her best dress on the bed.
"I'm so excited! I just hope Mitt has a little better staying power this time. He's such a good dancer."
© 2011 Kona Lowell
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Naive
The very people in the media who told us over and over that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction are now accusing the Occupy Wall St. protesters of being naive.
Rick Perry Apologizes for Hunting Camp Name
Austin, TX. A haggard-looking Gov. Rick Perry faced reporters this morning to address the growing controversy over the name of a hunting camp on the Clear Fork of the Brazos River that his family and friends have enjoyed for decades. The uproar began when it became known that the camp had a large rock at its entrance with the word "Niggerhead" on it. Although the offending rock had eventually been painted over and apparently now removed, it is still causing trouble for Perry's campaign.
Perry stated last week that the word on the rock was an “offensive name that has no place in the modern world.” This declaration, however, has still not removed the cloud that is causing his staff to scramble to keep the candidate from sinking further in the polls.
"People who know me will tell you I am not a racist," said the Governor this morning. "I have appointed more colored people than anyone else in Texas. It's time we moved beyond this distraction and got back to talking about the problems facing our country and the terrible job President Obama has been doing. As you know, we painted over this rock some time ago, right after my family came back from a fishing trip at Greasy Spic Lake. I thought that would be the end of it, but the uproar continued. Then, last winter when we were on a skiing vacation, I called a neighbor from our chalet, Big-Nosed Kike Lodge, and had the rock removed."
"Where was it removed to, Governor?"
"Jim, we threw it away where it would cause no more trouble. Dropped it right to the bottom of Old Slant-Eyed Chink Pond. Now, if you'll excuse me I still have a state to run and a campaign to win."
© 2011 Kona Lowell
Perry stated last week that the word on the rock was an “offensive name that has no place in the modern world.” This declaration, however, has still not removed the cloud that is causing his staff to scramble to keep the candidate from sinking further in the polls.
"People who know me will tell you I am not a racist," said the Governor this morning. "I have appointed more colored people than anyone else in Texas. It's time we moved beyond this distraction and got back to talking about the problems facing our country and the terrible job President Obama has been doing. As you know, we painted over this rock some time ago, right after my family came back from a fishing trip at Greasy Spic Lake. I thought that would be the end of it, but the uproar continued. Then, last winter when we were on a skiing vacation, I called a neighbor from our chalet, Big-Nosed Kike Lodge, and had the rock removed."
"Where was it removed to, Governor?"
"Jim, we threw it away where it would cause no more trouble. Dropped it right to the bottom of Old Slant-Eyed Chink Pond. Now, if you'll excuse me I still have a state to run and a campaign to win."
© 2011 Kona Lowell
Monday, October 3, 2011
I Guess You'll Just Have to Stay in the Closet
Back in the late 70's, Norman Lear produced an amazing fake soap opera, Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman. Among its odd and delightful characters was one played to the hilt by Martin Mull, a guy named Garth Gimble. Besides being a sleazeball (and a wife-beater), Garth was something of a neat freak. Unhappy with his wife's performance of her domestic duties, Garth decided to lock her in the closet when he went to work. When he came home, he looked around and announced to his wife (still locked in the closet) that since the house was not yet clean, "I guess you'll just have to stay in the closet."
I think President Obama could relate to that.
The Republicans regularly appear on TV to intone that Obama hasn't fixed the economy. People are still unemployed. The house is still not clean. Of course they've locked him in the closet politically with filibusters and non-stop obstructionism. There has never been a more obstructionist GOP in my lifetime. Not one idea, not one appointment, not one piece of legislation has been met with anything but total refusal to cooperate, even when a host of those proposals were from the Republicans themselves.
That would be bad enough (and it is) but the growing chorus of liberal voices complaining that the house is still not clean is troubling. Liberals should know better. Most do, but too many are standing outside the closet door doing their best Garth Gimble impersonations. This is unfair, ignorant and ultimately suicidal.
There is much to fault Obama on. Too much. But to fault him for an economic mess he did not cause and has had zero bipartisan support in cleaning up will be our undoing. Think it's bad now? Just wait.
Oh, one other thing. Garth Gimble came to a bad end. He impaled himself on an aluminum Christmas tree that was stored in that closet.
© 2011 Kona Lowell
I think President Obama could relate to that.
The Republicans regularly appear on TV to intone that Obama hasn't fixed the economy. People are still unemployed. The house is still not clean. Of course they've locked him in the closet politically with filibusters and non-stop obstructionism. There has never been a more obstructionist GOP in my lifetime. Not one idea, not one appointment, not one piece of legislation has been met with anything but total refusal to cooperate, even when a host of those proposals were from the Republicans themselves.
That would be bad enough (and it is) but the growing chorus of liberal voices complaining that the house is still not clean is troubling. Liberals should know better. Most do, but too many are standing outside the closet door doing their best Garth Gimble impersonations. This is unfair, ignorant and ultimately suicidal.
There is much to fault Obama on. Too much. But to fault him for an economic mess he did not cause and has had zero bipartisan support in cleaning up will be our undoing. Think it's bad now? Just wait.
Oh, one other thing. Garth Gimble came to a bad end. He impaled himself on an aluminum Christmas tree that was stored in that closet.
© 2011 Kona Lowell
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Obama Admits to Being the Antichrist
Washington, DC. This morning in a hastily announced Rose Garden speech, President Barack Obama admitted that he was indeed the Antichrist.
"Okay, you got me. Geez you guys know how to ruin an October Surprise. So, yes, I am the Antichrist and as soon as I'm re-elected I will be moving the White House to Jerusalem and beginning my reign of world domination. Fortunately I'm already on good terms with Bibi, although abolishing the Knesset won't be a picnic. I'm hoping a few signs and wonders will do the trick. Right now I'm working on that one where it looks like my thumb can be taken off and put back on. Chuck?"
"Mr President, are you ready to announce who will be your False Prophet?"
"Chuck, we're still working on that. We're talking to Dr Phil's people right now, but nothing has been decided. Thanks, I've got to go. Need to work on the thumb trick. Goddamn you, and goddamn the United States of America. Oh, yes, stop by the booth on the way out and get the mark of the beast on your foreheads and hands. You think this recession has been hell, try buying anything without those."
© 2011 Kona Lowell
"Okay, you got me. Geez you guys know how to ruin an October Surprise. So, yes, I am the Antichrist and as soon as I'm re-elected I will be moving the White House to Jerusalem and beginning my reign of world domination. Fortunately I'm already on good terms with Bibi, although abolishing the Knesset won't be a picnic. I'm hoping a few signs and wonders will do the trick. Right now I'm working on that one where it looks like my thumb can be taken off and put back on. Chuck?"
"Mr President, are you ready to announce who will be your False Prophet?"
"Chuck, we're still working on that. We're talking to Dr Phil's people right now, but nothing has been decided. Thanks, I've got to go. Need to work on the thumb trick. Goddamn you, and goddamn the United States of America. Oh, yes, stop by the booth on the way out and get the mark of the beast on your foreheads and hands. You think this recession has been hell, try buying anything without those."
© 2011 Kona Lowell
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