Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Romney Surges, Tea Party Simmers

Washington, DC. Mitt Romney has now established the lead in the GOP hunt for the Republican presidential nomination, with dark horse candidate Herman Cain nipping at his heels. Romney has soared from a dismal 20% in June to a lofty 23% (undoubtedly aided by Chris Christie's endorsement) while pizza magnate and political newcomer Cain has risen from 7% to 19%. They are being chased by libertarian-on-most-things Ron Paul with 13% and a rapidly deflating Rick Perry with 10%.

And yet all is not well for presumptive nominee Romney. Tea Party voters, still reeling from Sarah Palin's decision to place celebrity and large bags of untraceable cash over country, are not ready to board the Romney train to Mormonville. And with Governor Rick Perry appearing uneasy about shooting Mexicans on sight, Tea Party faithful can only hope a savior emerges, and emerges soon.

"We need a guy who will take America back," said Tea Party patriot Lance "Dick" Small, "to where it used to be in the old days, instead of being stuck between Canada and Mexico."

"Romneycare is the same damn thing as Obamacare," said Tea Party activist Bille Mae Spigot. "The only damn difference is one is from Massachusetts and t'other's from Kenya. I don't want either damn deal. I got this scooter chair with my Medicare, not from some damn cultist or from some socialist witch doctor. I'm voting for Sarah whether she runs or not. She's been ordained by God."

"I'm starting a write-in campaign for Chuck Norris," said Civil War re-enactor Bud Wanker. "Chuck would kick some ass. He could patrol the damn border all by himself. Romney can't even do a spinning back kick."

"It just comes down to who hates Muslims the most," said Jack Dale Lee. "Romney ain't tough enough on that sharia law deal. And he's a Mormon. They like having all those wives, too. If he becomes president, we'll all be praying to Mecca, eating goat meat and ridin' goddamn camels! Cain hates them A-rabs, but damn it, he's blacker than Obama! Where's that Chuck Norris petition?"

© 2011 Kona Lowell 

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