Herman Cain: The Ideal Republican Candidate

Washington, DC. As the new NBC/Wall Street Journal poll shows, Herman Cain is the cream rising to the top of the GOP bucket. Cain now leads Romney 27% to 23%, proving Republicans desire most to be represented by someone who knows absolutely nothing about government.

Cain does amazingly well with primary voters, but among Tea Party supporters his numbers are even higher, his favorable/unfavorable score being 69 % to 5 %. And among those Republicans identifying themselves as “very conservative,” it’s 72 % to 2 %.

The main reason Cain does so well among these voters is his utter lack of experience. The closest he's come to holding office was his term as president of the National Restaurant Association. Conservatives of all stripes see this as a positive boon.

Aside from his laudable inexperience at all things political, Cain has other assets the GOP demands from its candidates, such as an almost magical ability to deal with any issue in a fact-free manner.

Commenting on the Occupy Wall St. protests recently, Cain stated, "I don't have the facts to back this up," and then continued, "These demonstrations are planned and orchestrated to distract from the failed policies of the Obama administration." Good enough to gain the support of a majority of Republicans. That's exactly what they want to hear: a man who could possibly be Commander in Chief arriving at conclusions by gut alone.

But lack of experience and the innate ability to disregard facts are not Cain's only selling points. He also believes that sharia law is an imminent danger and that Muslim Americans should be required to take a special loyalty oath. He believes that being gay is a choice and that gays are "Godless." He is a staunch defender of a woman's duty to carry every pregnancy to term and believes that Planned Parenthood practices eugenics. This is dream-candidate talk for the GOP faithful.

But there's more. Cain's much-praised 999 Plan has even Congressman Paul Ryan swooning. Not only does this plan reduce taxes dramatically for the rich, it fucks the working poor and middle class like they've never been fucked before, all while making the continuation of Social Security and Medicare nearly impossible due to plummeting revenue.

All of this would be enough of course to please most conservatives. But there's more, and it's sheer genius.

Herman Cain is a black man. His father worked three jobs: janitor, barber and chauffeur. His mother worked as a maid. Who better to call black Americans shiftless and lazy and "brainwashed"? Rush Limbaugh can do this all day (and does), but it smacks of racism. Cain, being black, can demean other blacks without worrying about the racism charge. It's brilliant. And even better, he can run against an incumbent black president and claim to actually be blacker.

In spite of this, there are still some GOP candidates who believe that Cain is vulnerable. For example, when asked how his proposed corporate income tax would apply to products manufactured in other countries but designed and sold in the U.S market., Cain replied, "I have no idea." Romney and Perry see this as a weakness. They are dead wrong. They do not understand their own voters. They misread the mentality of the Tea Party. Their base wants someone who knows absolutely nothing. Just like them.

Herman Cain could win the Republican nomination with a very simple bumper sticker: I HAVE NO IDEA.

© 2011 Kona Lowell