How to Talk to Women: A Republican Guide

Washington, D.C. Facing a growing gender gap that sank Mitt Romney's candidacy in 2012 and the embarrassing numbers that torpedoed Ken Cuccinelli's run for governor in Virginia, Republicans are coming to terms with the fact that their interaction with women voters has been less than positive. Proving that much work in this area is still necessary, Iowa’s Republican Senate candidate Mark Jacobs explained the difference between communicating with men and women by opining “I think you have to connect with women on an emotional level. And with a wife of 25 years and an 18-year-old daughter, I’ve had a lot of coaching on that.”

Obviously this was not the sort of approach the GOP was looking for, so Reince Priebus, Chairman of the Republican National Committee, after self-medicating and putting his 9mm back in the drawer, composed a list of dos and don'ts for GOP candidates, and those already serving, to follow when addressing women. Konajournal has managed to obtain a copy of this guide and now offers some of the highlights of the document:

Women do not want to be appealed to on a strictly emotional level, but they still love a man who can cry. When addressing the issue of childhood hunger, rub your eyes with a raw onion before speaking.

When addressing a woman with the "C" word, always preface it with the politically correct "Ms."

When complimenting a woman, do not ask if she is a model or a dancer. Ask if she was a nuclear physicist before she became a model or dancer.

Do not use the word "slut." Always use the term "lady of the evening."

When soliciting a lady of the evening at the Republican Convention or Faith & Family Coalition Forum, do not begin by asking, "How much for a blow job?" First, tell her how much she reminds you of your mother.

If a woman asks if you support birth control, show her the condom in your wallet and say "Yes. This is just my backup. I'm wearing one now."

When addressing a single mother, avoid suggesting she meet your cousin Bobby Jack who's due for parole any day now.

Women like good listeners. Nod frequently and wear earplugs.

Do not refer to women as "females." Also refrain from using the terms "fillies," "heifers" and "brood mares."

Again, do not mention rape, even the positive side of it. Especially on the first date.

When explaining to a pregnant woman why it is necessary for her to have an ultrasound before she can have an abortion, tell her that it comes with a free 8 x 10’ glossy print suitable for framing.

When complimenting a woman on her ass, avoid possible harassment charges by saying, "And I say that as a board certified optometrist."

If asked if you support equal pay for equal work, a fit of hysterical laughter while rolling on the floor is a dead giveaway that you don't.

If asked if you support a woman's right to choose, say "yes." It's not a lie, since you mean to choose which dress she wants to wear. Within reason, of course.

If asked if you support marriage equality, do not mention your vast collection of girl-on-girl porn.

Do not stare at a woman reporter's breasts while being interviewed. Cup them gently and maintain direct eye contact.

When badgering any woman hauled up before a congressional committee, offer her a cup of herbal tea before doing all within your power to make her cry and rue the day she ever had the audacity to get into politics.

When asked if you support maternity leave, suggest that is why God made grandmas.

All lesbians do not wear overalls and flannel shirts. This can get tricky.

Always bring your daughter to your campaign functions. If she hates your guts or is too Goth, rent one.

Try to emulate that guy in the Gevalia commercials.

The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants is your all-time favorite movie, followed only by Love, Actually.

When faced with a room full of young women, do not ask yourself, "What would Richard Speck do?"

©2013 Kona Lowell

The Uncivil War

With Obamacare now firmly established as law, the healthcare website repaired, and therefore thousands more people enrolling daily, hope is fading for the Tea Party wing of the Republican Party being able to deny millions of uninsured Americans the healthcare they so desperately need. But the increasingly bleak outlook for halting everything Obama has not deterred the Tea Party patriots, but has instead invigorated their resolve to continue to fight for an utterly hopeless and immoral cause, much as their forefathers did at the only other time in our nation's history when our country was so starkly and violently divided — during the great American Civil War.

Award-winning filmmaker Ken Burns chronicles this Tea Party juggernaut in his new documentary, Uncivil War, airing on PBS in January. Konajournal is fortunate to have obtained a clip from the forthcoming film.

"The Baggers were beaten down, but did not ask for quarter. To a man, they remained grimly defiant. Although ill-equipped, materially and mentally, they stuck together, hoping to bring down Leviathan. In the winter of 2013, one such foot soldier wrote home to his dutiful and constant wife (cue Ashokan Farewell):

'My dearest Brandi,

I know it's been many months since I have put pen to paper to apprise you of our fortunes, but the fighting has been fierce and unrelenting. Forty-seven times we stormed the Hill to repeal the abomination known as Obamacare, but the Army of the Potomac routed us at each attempt. Yet we remain defiant and although on our heels, we are not on our backs. We fight on.

Only recently, our battle flag, the glorious Stars and Bars, made it to the very gates of the White House, where it waved majestically in the very Wind of Freedom, until, alas, the bluecoats removed it hence. But our other ensign, the Gadsden Flag, remained unchallenged and undefiled.

Now we prepare to embark on yet another delusive endeavor to slay Leviathan, by once again attempting to deprive the Beast of sustenance. If we must stack our bodies up as cord wood to shut down this Kenyan tyrant's government, so shall we do, my dearest. But do not weep for me or allow your precious self a moment of fear, for Providence is on our side, and if not Providence, at least part of Cranston is and some of Warwick.

God willing, I will return to you in the Springtime, dearest, in time for the monster truck show. Tell Johnny Paul to keep his damn hands off my tool box and to return my car ramps. 

We have been surviving on Hamburger Helper, tater tots and Mountain Dew these many months, so at least we are eating normally. Kiss the children for me, dearest. And I can count, so don't you be pregnant when I get home. Sic semper tyrannis,

Billy Joe' "

©2013 Kona Lowell

Obama Using Governing to Distract, Bribe

Washington, DC. As news of the multinational Iran nuclear deal broke Saturday, Republicans immediately began to cry foul and to accuse President Obama of not only selling out Israel and US weapons manufacturers, but of using diplomacy to distract from his failed presidency, or as John Cornyn (R-TX) tweeted, "Amazing what WH will do to distract attention from O-care."

Cornyn's tweet accurately sums up the GOP's growing frustration with a president and administration that they see as using the act of actually governing to distract and bribe the American public.

"We had our hearts set on a war with Iran," said John McCain (R-AZ) "The American people love war. USA! USA! USA! Now what? Football? Basketball? Americans like real action. You know, stuff that goes boom. If I can't send young men to war, what's the point of being a senator? Obama is just using this soon to fail Iran deal to distract from the fact that he beat me and to win the votes of thousands of limbless veterans. And get off my lawn."

"The whole idea of Obamacare is pure, bald (hic) faced bribery," said Speaker John Boehner (R-OH). "It's nothing but a cynical ploy to get the votes of 45 million uninsured Americans and to (hic) distract from the fact that I don't have anything to offer them except for my well-tanned middle finger. It's not (hic) fair."

"George Bush didn't try to fool the American people by governing," said Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY), "he cut brush. If something important happened, he had the decency to go on vacation. And cut brush. President Obama is not fooling anyone by trying to enact legislation and execute foreign policy. Who does he think he is? White?"

"Benghazi," said Lindsey Graham (R-SC). "President Obama is trying to pass immigration reform to get the votes of millions of undocumented aliens and their families. Benghazi. It's a crime. If these people really wanted to be Americans, they would have had the decency to be born here. Benghazi. President Obama is forcing these people to become Americans to distract from, what's the word I'm looking for? Oh yes, Benghazi."

Republicans also believe that President Obama is using wedge issues such as women's rights, marriage equality, the minimum wage, jobs legislation, taxation, as well as Social Security and Medicare, to distract the American public from the fact that they are feckless, rapacious wobblefucks and to get the votes of women, the LGBT community, underpaid workers, unemployed people, the middle class and seniors who don't want to die in a homeless shelter.

"Obama is a dictator," said Ted Cruz (R-Ontario) "and the American people will not be fooled. They don't want someone in the White House making their lives better. They want to be left alone. They want to be allowed to fend for themselves, like hunter-gatherers. And that's exactly what we plan to do."

©2013 Kona Lowell

The Year of Living Dangerously Stupid

Washington, DC. With the administration bending to Republican pressure, and also that of some frightened Democrats, to allow a small percentage of the population to retain "junk" insurance policies for another year that do not meet the even the basic standards outlined by the Affordable Care Act, otherwise known as Obamacare, creative entrepreneurs in other industries are seizing the moment to offer substandard alternatives for dangerously stupid people.

With us today is one such visionary, Tony Z, who has brought with him a prototype automobile which he claims will sell for only $1,000. "Good morning, Tony! That is actually a very beautiful looking car. How can you possibly sell it for a thousand dollars?"

"Piece of cake. We don't put anything in it that costs money. But it'll purr like a kitten at a good 40 miles per hour. Look at that paint job. Like a fucking mirror."

"How about airbags?"

"Hey, airbags are for pussies. We eliminate all those expensive safety features. This car is for people who like to live dangerously. But look, it is environmentally friendly. It's built entirely out of recycled soda cans."

"How did it fare in the crash tests."

"Ever see an accordion? But this baby looks great in the driveway. It's a real head-turner."

"It really is quite beautiful. But I noticed you did not drive it here to the interview but have instead hauled it on a trailer."

"Do I look like Evel fucking Knievel? I'm a business man, not a daredevil."

"So how do you propose to sell a car that isn't safe to drive?"

"Hey, it's perfectly safe, as long as you don't have an accident, stop really fast or get bumped into by a shopping cart in the parking lot. Any way, we have a majority of House Republicans pulling for us. The Libertarians are a fucking lock."

"Remarkable. But how did you ever get Volvo to allow you to use their logo?"

"That doesn't say Volvo."

"Well I'll be darned! You're right! That first "o" is really a "u" and the second "o" is really an "a."!

"Yeah. Cute, huh? Goes with our slogan: For the fuck of your life."

" I think you have a winner, sir."

©2013 Kona Lowell

Complete Bullshit

As you have probably heard, CBS experienced a slight hiccup in its award-winning 60 Minutes history recently when part-time journalist and full-time Benghazi conspiracist, Lara Logan, ran a piece on that fateful incident that has since proven to be complete bullshit.

The segment, which Logan researched for an entire year (between Zumba classes and hair and nail appointments), relied solely on a supposed witness to the tragedy, one Dylan Davies, also known as Morgan Jones, Wink Guano, Limey-Z and Curveball. So enthralled by Mr. Davies' improbable tale and charming accent were the honchos at CBS, that they had one of the divisions at their own Simon & Schuster publish his yarn in a book entitled The Embassy House: The Explosive Eyewitness Account of the Libyan Embassy Siege by the Soldier Who Was There, even though he had told the FBI he was actually sorta not there. Unfortunately, even the catchy title was not enough to save the day and the whole account proved to be complete bullshit. The publisher has since pulled it from distribution, although Republicans are still convinced it is as genuine as their undying love for the middle class.

Of course this could mean only one thing, that being that Ms. Logan would be immediately terminated at CBS, as they had done when award-winning journalist and American icon Dan Rather erred in running a faultily substantiated story regarding George W. Bush being a worthless, draft-dodging alcoholic partyboy who got into the National Guard with a lot of string-pulling and then jerked off the whole time, only showing up for duty when he hadn't had too much blow. Although entirely true, it cost Rather his career. So one would expect Ms. Logan to experience an equally punitive fate for a story that was complete bullshit.

Not so. Ms. Logan did appear on 60 Minutes to say, "Oops! Tee hee. My bad!" but will continue, between blowjobs of CBS executives, to do her trademark word processing. Rumor has it she is busy on an in-depth piece detailing President Obama's legion of gay lovers, cocaine use and Kenyan-bred hatred for America and white people. Her source is apparently someone named Benn Gleck.

Which left it up to Jeff Fager, CBS News chairman and executive producer of 60 Minutes, to offer this explanation/apology:

"We at CBS are dreadfully sorry if anyone got the impression that the embassy attack and resulting deaths in Benghazi were Hillary Clinton or President Obama's fault, but we were only trying to offer Fox viewers an alternative propaganda source. From now on we will focus our attention on the failed Obamacare rollout and the impending armageddon that the implementing of this law is certain to cause. Again, the Benghazi tragedy being Hillary Clinton and President Obama's fault remains unproven. So far. Thank you."

And thank you, Mr. Fager, for revealing what the initials CBS really stand for: complete bullshit.

©2013 Kona Lowell

The Misunderstood Republicans

Washington, DC. There is a tendency among liberals, progressives and other Democrats to not only disagree with Republican policy positions, but to demonize our good friends on the other side of the aisle for stances we consider extreme, toxic or simply mean-spirited, brazenly evil when in reality Republicans are kindhearted, generous Americans who are woefully, and yes — wrongfully — misunderstood.

For example, many Democrats found fault with the Republican opposition to the repeal of DADT. Liberals demanded that gays and lesbians had every right to serve their country openly and unashamed and castigated the GOP for what was perceived to be bigoted, homophobic assholery of the highest order, when in reality the Republicans were simply expressing a near-maternal, deeply held concern that a war could tragically reduce our beloved gay population, thus depleting our stock of interior designers, hair stylists, Republican pundits and congressional aides.

The same misunderstanding has been in play throughout the health care debate. Liberals concluded that Republican opposition to millions of uninsured Americans finally having access to health care at affordable rates was due to a lack of empathy, even a spiteful, ugly shitheadedness that delights to the verge of orgasm in crushing to pink goo and bone fragments the poor and middle class. Nothing could be further from the truth. Republicans were in fact selflessly putting their careers on the line to protect the millions of insurance company employees, emergency room staffs, orphanages, bankruptcy attorneys and funeral directors who could be drastically impacted by passage of this law.

Women's rights presents yet another case of too-quick-to-judge liberals presupposing evil intent on the part of goodhearted Republicans. For example, take the equal pay for equal work issue. Democrats attribute the GOP's unwillingness to endorse this concept to an innate, small penis hostility, bordering on Ariel Castro-like misogyny, when in reality it is a result of an overwhelming love and admiration for the fair sex. See, Republicans fear that women will make so much money that they will no longer view marriage as a worthy goal, and will therefore end up as wizened, bitter, old hags, childless and unfulfilled, with nothing left but to spew their icy venom, thus becoming legions of competition for Ann Coulter and thereby upsetting the delicate balance of wobblefuckery in the universe.

The Republicans cannot get a break. Now we have millions of Democrats railing against what they assume to be more casual GOP malevolence, bold-faced cupidity and gleeful thuggery in the slashing of SNAP — commonly know as food stamps — funding. Again, we err. In reality, although late to the game, Republicans are simply joining with First Lady Michelle Obama's Let's Move campaign to fight childhood obesity.

I think some apologies are in order.

©2013 Kona Lowell

How To Tell If You're An Idiot

All of us have some areas in which our powers of intellect are not up to par, in fact at which we suck out loud. For me, that would be math and cars. Math makes my brain hurt, my eyes glaze over and all sexual functions cease. I drive cars just fine, but have no ability or desire to repair them, have grease under my fingernails or busted knuckles and would be thrilled to have a disposable one.

But having bad math skills, the inability to carry a tune, do car repairs, lousy spelling or being a Cleveland Browns fan does not make you an idiot, although the last one is on the line. No, being an idiot means one is so magically benighted as to be a danger to oneself and others by sheer force of stupidity. If one reaches this rarified height of idiocy, it should be required to have one's name and address sewn into one's clothing and a large sign on the front and back reading "DANGER. IDIOT."

For example, if one cannot tell the difference between day and night, one is an idiot. Yes, both time periods have some things in common. Both have large orbs in the sky which are bright and noticeable. At times, it may be dark during the day, say during a storm, but that does not make it night. Conversely, it may be very bright at night during a full moon, but that does not make it day. If this is a difficult concept, one is an idiot.

Or let's say one cannot distinguish the difference between men and women. Both have things in common. Both have arms and legs, are bipedal (when sober), have varying amounts of hair and often wear similar clothing. Yes, at times a man may (intentionally) look very much like a woman or vice versa. But in general, most people can tell one from the other. If one cannot do this, one is an idiot.

The inability to distinguish day from night or men from women, however, pales in comparison to the inability to discern the difference between the Republican Party and the Democratic Party. Yes, both have animal mascots with four legs, both are inundated with corporate money, both are too apt to use military force and both are comprised of fallible, imperfect human beings. There are, however, notable and important differences which are obvious to anyone who is not an idiot.

For example, if one is a woman, Black, gay, Latino, poor, middle class, in a union, a student, a veteran, sick or interested in breathing clean air, Republicans are not only disinterested in you, they are doing their best to make your life as miserable as possible, whereas the Democrats are most often doing the exact opposite.

That means if you are a woman, Republicans want to take away your right to an abortion as well as most birth control and health services. They think you should be paid less than a man and should be ashamed of yourself for being such a slut that someone was forced to rape you. And in Texas, they're making voting while female a test of endurance. Start practicing jumping through hoops. Hoops that are on fire.

If you're Black, you probably already know that the Republican Party would prefer to see you playing a banjo, tap dancing or baling cotton. For free, while singing Negro spirituals. Swing Low, Sweet Chariot is an all-time favorite. You are a lazy thug and if you attained any success, it was certainly undeserved. You also realize that they aren't too happy about you voting, let alone winning an election, unless you're a Republican. Odds are you're not.

If you're gay, you know that Republicans are happy about one thing, and that is that they will not have to spend eternity with you because you will of course be burning in hell. But in the meantime, they would like to repeal DADT, make marriage equality illegal, put an end to same-sex couples adopting children and only date you in secret.

If you are Latino, adios. Forget immigration reform, muchacho, and use those cantaloupe-muscle legs to trot your ass right back across the border. But leave the salsa. Tortilla Coast wouldn't be the same without it.

If you're poor, God hates you. Too bad.

If you're middle class, you have a future. At Walmart.

If you're a union worker, the Republicans would prefer you to simply be a worker. Pensions are for pussies. So is a living wage.

If you're a student, time to realize that there's no free lunch. Or education. Or hope. Besides, education makes one apt to think and reason. Republicans are already losing enough voters.

If you are a veteran, thank you for your service. Now fuck off.

If you're sick, well, there are plenty of doctors out there and state-of-the-art medicine and facilities. What? No health insurance? What song would you like played at your funeral? Anyway, the Republicans are too busy trying to deprive 40 million Americans from having health care to worry about you right now.

You like clean air? And water? You must be joking. You know who the Republicans' biggest donors are, right? Can't run cars on trees. When wind or sun rays can be sold by the barrel, we'll talk.

Of course this abbreviated list of examples will not be enough to convince some people that there is an actual difference between the two parties. Because drones. Because the NSA. Because Gitmo. Because Benghazi. Oh wait, that's a Tea Party line. Fucking idiots.

©2013 Kona Lowell

Citing Problems, Obama Cancels Affordable Health Care

Washington, DC. This morning in a Rose Garden press conference, President Obama announced that the federal government would be canceling the Affordable Care Act, commonly know as Obamacare. Admitting that glitches with the new program's website are completely insurmountable, the president shrugged his shoulders and said, "Oh well, you win some, you lose some. Time to punt."

Republicans were quick to respond.

"We knew this wouldn't work," said Speaker John Boehner, "because it involves technology. You know, computer (hic) stuff. It's not like you just have to type in 'girl scouts big tits german shepherds' and hit ENTER. It's really compli- (hic) complicated."

A CNN poll also found that an overwhelming majority of the 30 million uninsured Americans agreed with the president's decision. Said one respondent, Ray 'Scrapper' Nuss of Toadstomp, Texas, "I've got by without insurance all my damn life. My grandpappy lived to be 54 years old! I reckon I can beat that. Shootin' for it anyhow. And hell, I'm fixin' to win the lottery any day now so I can buy a damn hospital. I git 10 tickets a week."

Other uninsured Americans were not as hopeful, but generally agreed that insurance was a luxury best left to the wealthy, like BMW's or Louis Vuitton handbags. Others admitted that it was selfish to expect health care and that if God had wanted them to see their children grow up he would have given them the ability to see into the future.

President Obama also announced that due to the impossible to overcome technical difficulties involved, all Middle East peace negotiations would be stopped, future space exploration would be abandoned, efforts to halt climate change would cease, nuclear arms reduction would be terminated and all medical research would be replaced with giant government funded leech farms.

"Now if you'll excuse me," President Obama said as he left the Rose Garden, "we have some post offices to name."

©2013 Kona Lowell

Understanding the Red State of Mind

Rational Americans are scratching their heads, wondering what the fuck just happened. Our nation was dragged to the vertigo-inducing brink of financial ruin, the world held its collective breath, millions of people lost paychecks or were harmed in countless ways and all at a cost $160,000,000 per day. And for what? Absolutely nothing. Zip. Nada.

What thinking, sane Americans do not understand is that the red state congresspeople, and their vocal constituents who caused this disaster, do not see the world as we do.

We must remember that the greatest portion of these saboteurs hail from states that made up the old Confederacy, and aside from simply being rabidly opposed to even the concept of a Black president (or a Black person achieving anything at all beyond sharecropper status), they're still licking generational wounds from the near biblical ass-kicking another president they heartily despised handed them. Then they had integration forced on them. Trust me. I was there. They didn't like it.

Unable to get real vengeance, their festering resentment has led them to heretical, warped Christian fundamentalism, which in turn has bred hatred of other races, rejection of science, militancy, scorn for education, casual dismissal of facts and a seething, all-consuming contempt for government. Unfortunately, most of these red states would be wastelands without the federal government propping up their very existence. That pisses them off even more. The Yankees are still winning, goddammit.

So all that remains for these Tea Party Republicans to do is to be treasonous, racist, uncompromising, progress-halting wobblefucks whose sole goal is to make life miserable for the rest of us.

Imagine if these shitheads were to draft football players the same way they elect their representatives. They would seek out, first of all, players that fucking hate football. Then they would pick the ones with the least skills, knowledge of the game and ability to be a team player. They would get their asses kicked up and down the field. And then they would whine about it and demand the rules be changed. Of course this won't happen because red staters love their football, and even tolerate Black players who do well. Yes, they would love to have an all-white team, but they want to win.

So for the past couple weeks, over 300,000,000 of us have been held hostage by 32 of these assholes. What are we going to do about it? We outnumber them. We're smarter. We can spell.

Here's the deal. We either get up off our lazy, I-didn't-get-my-sparkly-unicorn asses and mobilize every fucking vote in this country in 2014 and toss these traitorous shits out or we live with this for a few more decades. You want Hillary to be hamstrung like Obama has been for 8 years?

These racist, ignorant fools who refer to the American Civil War as "The War of Northern Aggression" think the South will rise again because it's still floating. Let's not let that happen. Flush the toilet.

©2013 Kona Lowell

Experts: GOP Died of Auto-Erotic Asphyxiation, Not Suicide

Washington, DC. This morning experts asserted that the death of the Republican Party was not due to suicide as believed, but to auto-erotic asphyxiation gone horribly wrong.

"We kept asking ourselves," said Howard Fineman, editor of the Huffington Post, "how they could possibly be pursuing an agenda so ridiculously out of tune with the majority of the country, and now we know."

"They were getting off on it, apparently," Nancy Pelosi, House Minority Leader opined, "It's sad, really. Maybe if the weren't so sexually repressed this wouldn't have happened."

Experts say that the lower the Republican Party approval fell, the higher the arousal level rose, especially among Tea Party members.

"It starts, of course, with soft-core political porn, like The Weekly Standard," said Dr. Theodore Gimlet, Professor of Political Science, Harvard. "But soon this is no longer satisfying and addicts like these Tea Party types move on to Fox News and Rush Limbaugh. Eventually they get into the hard stuff, like World Net Daily and Glenn Beck. Before long even Alex Jones is not satisfying enough and they begin to experiment with dangerous self-delusion and abuse. There's a constant urge to take it to the next level, cheating death ever more riskily, timing it ever more closely, down to the last second.

"These guys had a perpetual hardon for Obama. And then there was immigration, women's rights, gay rights. They just kept tightening the noose. The more the country protested, the more the polls showed them plummeting like a wounded B-52, the more giddy they became. But the government shutdown and the looming debt ceiling fight proved to be more than they could handle. Their fantasy overcame all sense of personal well-being and propriety. It's a dangerous practice, and quite addictive. They just couldn't stop."

"Well, now we know why they always insisted we provide a podium for them to stand behind," said Walter 'Wires' Tangled, CNN cameraman. "I always thought it was so they could use it to steady themselves, like at a bar. Guess not."

©2013 Kona Lowell

Senator Cruz Goes Boom

Washington, DC. Traffic was temporarily rerouted last night due to an explosion in the Capitol Building. At 12:45 AM, Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) rushed wildly into the House of Representatives with 20 lbs. of dynamite strapped to his waist, demanding that all the Republicans commit ritual suicide by leaping from the Capitol dome or he would blow himself and the entire Capitol Building up. He was set upon immediately by Senator Rand Paul who had followed him into the room and began beating Senator Cruz violently about the head with a hardbound copy of Atlas Shrugged. Unfortunately, this proved to be too little too late and Senator Cruz, with a cry of "I'm coming Tail-Gunner Joe!" was able to detonate his explosives.

Among the dead were 25 Tea Party members of the House as well as Senators Cruz and Paul. The wounded Republicans were moved onto the street to await emergency medical care which arrived a few hours later. Cleanup will be delayed due to the shutdown and members will meet in another wing of the building until repairs are completed. Talks on resuming the operation of the government are expected to move quickly and passage of a clean CR is believed to be likely.

President Obama addressed the stunned nation and offered his condolences.

"Good evening. Tonight we witnessed a tragic, senseless waste of human... ha, hum, excuse me... human life...he he... excuse me.. ahem.... life... and hope that we can all move forward.... ha... ahem... together and resolve our differences... wheeee heeee heeee.... excuse me.... ahem.... etc., etc., etc. Thank you."

Colleagues of Senator Cruz held a prayer vigil outside the damaged building despite the freak thunderstorm until one, Senator Mike Lee (R-UT), was seriously injured by lightning. The vigil was moved to a nearby Denny's where it continued into the early morning. A hearty Grand Slam breakfast was served and only Senator Tim Scott (R-SC), who had the honor of blessing the food, was removed to a local hospital suffering from food poisoning.

Majority Leader Harry Reid remembered his combative fellow senator, "I knew Senator Cruz had an explosive personality, but this was unexpected."

Democrats met later and toasted the late senator with several rounds of Cuba Libres.

President Obama ordered all Capitol trashcans be adorned with red, white and blue buntings and ordered all Confederate flags to be flown at half-staff.

©2013 Kona Lowell

Jesus Christ Files Defamation Suit Against GOP

Washington, DC. In a surprise move, Jesus of Nazareth appeared in court this morning with His attorneys to file a defamation suit against the Republican party. Looking fit for his age but somewhat tired, the Son of God responded to reporters questions as He left the courthouse.

"Look, I'm in the forgiveness business, right? Always will be, but there comes a time when you just have to say enough is enough."

Asked what brought Him to this decision, the Messiah responded, "It was the 'you don't work, you don't eat' thing. I never said that. Paul did. And he wasn't talking to the poor or widows or cripples. He was talking to his own lazy ass disciples who were dogging it and trying to sponge off the people they were supposed to be helping. Heck, I fed thousands of poor people with a few loaves and fishes. I didn't ask them if they all had jobs first.

"You know, I majored in poor people. I only talked about them non-stop. The Pharisees hated My guts for it, but I kept rubbing their greedy noses in it. Cost Me, too, you know? I thought I made My opinion pretty clear on this subject, right? But these guys, these Republicans, they're even worse than those schmucks. It's bad enough being misquoted, but when you start beating up on the poor in My name, there's gonna be hell to pay.

"On top of that, these Republicans are trying to take healthcare away from millions of My people. Like I would want that. Hello? Yeah, I had a short career down here, but you know what I did every day? Heal people. Okay, I turned some water into wine once, but that was a just as a favor for My mom. And hey, you fundamentalist nutjobs, it was real wine, not Kool-Aid. Put those brothers in Cana on the floor. But healing was my business. I never turned down anyone. Not a soul. Preconditions? I didn't even consider 'dead' a precondition. Now you want to tell people I'm against free healthcare? Gimme a break."

"Jesus, are you concerned that Satan will be representing the Republican party in this lawsuit?"

"Yeah, he's a real menace. I'm terrified. Next question?"

"What do you think of Ted Cruz?"

"He's a putz. Hey, gotta go. Haven't had fresh hummus in millennia."

©2013 Kona Lowell

The Great Ted Cruz Hoax

When Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) said recently that "We need 100 more like Jesse Helms in the U.S. Senate," thinking, moral people, in other words, liberals, went ballistic. How could this guy stand there and lovingly laud the last openly and proudly racist member of the US Senate, a man who went to his grave defiantly unrepentant of his life of overt bigotry, racism, misogeny and hatred? How could a present-day senator like Cruz, at a time when minority votes are becoming even more scarce for the Republican party, align himself with such a loathsome figure as Helms was/is to the LGBT community, minorities and women?

Seems almost suicidal, doesn't it? Of course it is. Until you realize exactly what is going on.

Ted Cruz is an imposter. It's an act. And you've seen something like it before.

In the coming months, so-called "Senator Cruz" will start a campaign to have Nathan Bedford Forrest immortalized on a US postage stamp. Forrest, it may be remembered, was a Confederate general and cavalry leader who also served as the first Grand Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan.

Next, he will demand that Little Black Sambo be required reading in all kindergartens throughout the country and that D. W. Griffith's Birth of a Nation be shown every Sunday night on Fox, without commercial interruption.

He will then demand that legislation be enacted that will force gay people to wear little pink triangles and that will require women to walk three paces behind men. He will also try to outlaw all contraception and attempt to make it illegal for women to attend college or vote or wear pants.

He will suggest stoking furnaces with baby fur seals for home heating and insist that the Sequoia National Forest be clear-cut and that the General Sherman tree be burned for heresy.

He will propose the demolition of every house of worship nationwide that is not Southern Baptist, that Dixie be the National Anthem and that everyone north of the Mason-Dixon Line be forced to use southern accents, eat grits and listen to Hank Williams, Jr.

He will begin to croon (badly) on the Senate floor.

By this time, even the Republicans will become uncomfortable.

But he will give it all away when he challenges Nancy Pelosi to a wrestling match.

Told you Andy Kaufman wasn't dead.

©2013 Kona Lowell

Interview: Karl Rove Rebrands the GOP

Recently, Konajournal sat down with Karl Rove, Republican political consultant and election forecast wizard, to discuss the GOP's strategy for the 2014 and 2016 elections.

"Mr. Rove, it's very good of you to take this time with us. What do you see as the number one problem facing the Republican party in the upcoming elections?"

"Thank you, it's good to be here. I think the biggest hurdle we face is that we have a lot of really great ideas and great candidates but those ideas are just not resonating with the majority of the country. In other words, it's not the messenger, it's the message."

"So how do you remedy that?"

"Well, we have to be for something that the majority of voters favor. See, we're for lower taxes for millionaires, which is something millionaires really, really like, but unfortunately the majority of voters aren't millionaires. We're working on changing that."

"I see."

"We're for making abortion virtually illegal nationwide, and while hardcore Christian fundamentalists support this, for some reason the majority of women don't. And we have discovered that women actually vote. I guess they Tivo their soaps.

Same thing with guns. We're for every citizen being able to own a shoulder-fired rocket launcher, which the NRA just loves, but the majority of Americans think may not be a good idea. Who knew?

We're all for drilling in pristine wilderness areas, but people who like Nature don't support this. Never knew people liked Nature so damn much. I mean which would you rather have? More oil or more bears?

Then there's marriage equality. We're for reinstating DADT and making gay marriage constitutionally illegal, which is fine by me since I enjoy being a confirmed bachelor, but the majority of voters don't agree. I blame Glee.

Of course war has always been our main policy. Endless, blood-soaked battlefields. Big explosions. Makes for great TV, and Americans love it. 'USA! USA! USA!' But now that Obama is proposing a military intervention in Syria, we can't go with that one right now, so fuck it. We need something that everybody loves. Something that no one can object to. Something we can be for that has no negatives, no pressure groups, no controversy."

"And that would be?"

"Bunnies. Small, fluffy bunnies with floppy ears. We're for small fluffy bunnies with floppy ears. Well goddamn it, Reince! Who shot the fucking bunny?"

©2013 Kona Lowell

Hitler: Not Who You Think He Is

The National Historical Institution has launched a new information campaign designed to inform the American public as to the historic reality of the Third Reich's leader, Adolph Hitler. This massive undertaking was prompted by a recent survey that revealed that 74% of Americans remain unclear who the German Fuhrer actually was and what he did to make his name synonymous with unchecked evil and rampant government control.

Dr. William Maxim, chairman of the project, Hitler: Not Who You Think He Is, said that the campaign will face many obstacles due to the vast amount of misinformation circulating among the public.

"We face a truly herculean task," Dr. Maxim stated, "We live in a country that is historically and reality-challenged, or in simple layman's terms, too fucking stupid to breed. For example, here are some of the survey responses to the very first question, "Who is Adolph Hitler?":

"The guy who played keyboards in Sparks. I'd recognize that mustache anywhere."  R. Mandrake, CA

"Saddam Hussein." G. W. Bush, Dallas, TX

"He's that dude that freaks about the new iPad down in that bunker thing. Saw it on YouTube." D. Ignoranti, NJ

"Obama. I've seen the posters. He's gonna take our guns and make us talk with a lisp." B. J. Baggley, OK

"Bashar al-Assad." J. Kerry, Washington, DC

"You see?" Dr. Maxim continued, "No one has a fucking clue! But we're hoping that with Schwarzenegger doing the voice over, some people will pay attention."

There was one group, however, that tested very well, that being the neo-Nazis and Aryan Nation members. They had a good grasp on the historic Hitler and were unlikely to refer to someone they disagreed with as the former Fuhrer.

"Adolph Hitler was the greatest man who ever lived. Heil Hitler!" said Ted Schmuck, Hayden Lake, ID.

"So if you think Hitler's so great, you're somewhat at a loss for an historically, irredeemably evil person to compare others to."

"Well, we've always got Lincoln."

©2013 Kona Lowell

Chris Christie, Moderate Like a Heart Attack

If one subscribes to the common political wisdom of the mainstream pundits, there is only one Republican who has anything resembling a chance of beating Hillary Clinton in 2016, and that person is New Jersey governor Chris Christie. Why? Because he's a moderate Republican.

Apparently, this pronouncement of moderation is arrived at not by studying something as painfully wonky as policy or voting records, but by the politician's ability to glibly banter with the Daily Show's Jon Stewart and be self-effacing and funny.

Take John McCain. Please. There was a time when we were constantly assured that the Arizona senator was a "maverick," that he bravely bucked his party's hardline policies and was really a moderate. Even Democrats were saying they'd vote for him. Sure, he talked about campaign finance reform and immigration, but this moderate tag was really due in large part to his Daily Show appearances, where it was obvious that Stewart had a man-crush on the elderly ex-POW. And because McCain could ad lib and be charming, in a reptilian sort of way, no one seemed to notice that he was one of the most conservative senators in the country. In fact, in 2010, McCain's conservative voting record received the highest score, matched by two other known moderates, Jim DeMint and John Cornyn. But his voting record was always among the most conservative.

Now the media has dubbed Governor Christie the new Straight-Talker, the new Moderate Republican. He's brash, aggressive, impolitic, easily angered, funny and nothing at all like Mitch McConnell, which in any universe is a huge plus. Not only that, he recently approved medical marijuana for seriously ill children and banned gay conversion therapy. Right before he vetoed a ban on .50 caliber sniper rifles that can pierce kevlar from a mile away. Yes, a mile. But he vetoed it moderately.

Christie also just moderately endorsed fellow Republican and Tea Party darling Steve Lonegan in his race against juggernaut Newark mayor, Cory Booker. Lonegan, it may be remembered, agreed with fellow Bagger Rand Paul that Hurricane Sandy aid was "over the top." And being a member in good standing of the Tea Party, he is also anti-union, anti-choice, anti-gun safety legislation, anti-marriage equality, anti-etc., anti-etc., anti-etc.

But back to moderate Chris Christie. He very moderately desires to cut taxes for the wealthiest in New Jersey while moderately fucking the poorest in his state. This he has moderately done already to great effect. He moderately supports the failed austerity model. He moderately opposes a woman's constitutional right to choose. He moderately vetoed funding for Planned Parenthood and equal pay for women. He moderately opposes gay marriage and gun control legislation. He moderately despises unions, especially the one for teachers, who he has a particularly moderate loathing for and 10,000 of which he moderately cut in his first year. He moderately opposes Obamacare and moderately vetoed the Medicaid expansion bill. He moderately and famously vetoed federal funding for the tunnel project and now moderately presides over some of the highest unemployment in the country, while moderately watching private sector jobs leave the state like moderately wet rats.

Yes Governor Chris Christie is a moderate. The same way Senator Ted Cruz is a moderate Tea Party member, because he doesn't wear a tricorn hat festooned with tea bags.

©2013 Kona Lowell

Rand Paul, Minority Rights Champion

Washington, DC. Recently, on a trip to Silicon Valley, Sen. Rand Paul (R-KY) sat down for an interview with Wired and, among other things, touted his credentials as a champion of minority rights. Said the senator:

"If you've seen or read anything I've ever written or talked about, you'll find someone who's been a great defender of minority rights, a great defender of those who wish to be different, those who are different, those who have different religious beliefs. Those who are of an ethnic group that may be a minority. You'll find no greater champion of someone who believes that you have rights, privileges and immunities that go beyond what majorities are allowed to do."

Move over Martin Luther King, Jr. It appears we have completely misunderstood Senator Paul. What we unfairly assumed to be simple textbook racism is in fact quite the opposite.

For example, much has been made of Sen. Paul's objection to the Civil Rights Act of 1964, specifically his objection to the ban on racial discrimination in private businesses that serve the public. Many wrongly assumed this meant he was in favor of, say, a restaurant owner refusing to serve Blacks, when in fact he is entirely in favor of Black folk being served at restaurants throughout the country, with a side of hushpuppies.

Then there was the brouhaha regarding former aide, media director and co-author, Jack Hunter, who hosted a radio show as "The Southern Avenger," a persona that included a Confederate flag mask. And while Hunter railed against Hispanics and Blacks, compared Abraham Lincoln to Hitler and ritually toasts John Wilkes Booth's birthday every year, the former chairman of secessionist organization, The League of the South, is actually not a racist.

"I only wore that mask until my skin cleared up," Hunter said. "Plus I was tryin' to git a job as a wrestlin' villain, ya know, like The Iron Sheik or Sgt. Slaughter. And heck, that thing about comparing Lincoln to Hitler, it was supposed to be a compliment."

And now Senator Paul is being falsely accused of favoring voter disenfranchisement simply because he has no problem with Voter ID laws and doesn't see the need to restore the Voting Rights Act. As he stated:

“The interesting thing about voting patterns now is in this last election African-Americans voted at a higher percentage than whites in almost every one of the states that were under the special provisions of the federal government. So really, I don’t think there is objective evidence that we’re precluding African-Americans from voting any longer.”

So there you have it. And Senator Paul's idea of putting voting booths at the end of an American Ninja Warrior obstacle course is designed not to intimidate, not to disenfranchise, but to make voting more fun for everyone.

Meanwhile, Senator Paul is shopping for some good walking shoes so he can keep up with Rev. Al Sharpton and Congressman John Lewis as they link arms this coming weekend when they commemorate the 50th anniversary of the March on Washington. We can only hope they have room for one more monument on the National Mall.

©2013 Kona Lowell

The Tea Party & the Utopian Left

As a liberal, it's very easy to look at the racist, ignorant yahoos in the Tea Party and feel superior. From the misspelled posters to their demands that the government keep its hands off their Medicare to illogically insisting that President Obama is a Kenyan Muslim socialist, they provide people like me with enough grist to keep the satire mill running 24-7.

Recently, in a town hall meeting, North Carolina GOP Rep. Robert Pittenger ran head first into the Tea Party buzz saw when he declined to vote to repeal Obamacare for the 40th time. It seems that the Baggers in attendance were unconcerned about the reality of the situation, that being the fact that a repeal is impossible, and insisted he do it anyway to prove his conservative credentials. Reality be damned.

It would be easy to laugh at this futile stupidity, and I do regularly, but with the 2014 elections looming on the horizon, my laughter is tempered by the knowledge that we have not only the imbeciles in the Tea Party to deal with, but also those in the Utopian Left who are just as eager to derail the Democratic train and are busily involved in tearing up the tracks even now.

By "Utopian Left" I am referring to what some call the "Professional Left." These are pundits and journalists who are so pure that no Democrat living can attain to the lofty ideal they have constructed as well as that thirty-something guy named Tanner who, when not masturbating to the Che poster in his mother's basement (where he still lives), drags his djembe to every rally in Portland, whatever the cause, and refers to President Obama as "Obomber."

In other words, the Utopian Left are the idealists, the holier-than-thou purists, unaffected by reality, unclear on the concept of incrementalism, who insist it be all or nothing, see any compromise as surrender and are willing to wreck everything if they can't have their way. Exactly like the Tea Party.

These two disparate groups actually work towards the same end, by different means, that end being putting Republicans back in power. The Tea Party does this by rousing the base with misinformation, racism and fear. The Utopian Left by disheartening the base, claiming both parties are identical and that voting for a Democrat is pissing in the wind. This worked like a charm in 2010, and if you're enjoying the obstructionist House, please thank both groups.

Take Obamacare for example. The Tea Party hates it. The Utopian Left hates it, but for different reasons. The Baggers because it's "socialized medicine" (they suppose) and the Utopians because it isn't socialized enough. Obama, the pussy, should have demanded single-payer and since he didn't, they are willing to blow it up and take healthcare away from millions of Americans. There are no "first steps" for the Utopian Left. And if enough Americans die, maybe then things will change. Gotta break a few eggs to make an omelette. If the Republicans regain the Senate and the White House, both will have their way.

This same paradigm works on almost every important issue: The NSA, climate change, gay rights, women's rights, drone warfare, minimum wage, marijuana legalization, legal system inequity, etc. Neither group is happy with the direction being taken or the speed of progress, but all would be dramatically more god awful were the Republicans in charge. Sure, they might get rid of those immoral drones and then replace them with a full-on war with hundreds of thousands of dead women and children, and of course American soldiers. Would that make you happy? They can't wait, you know. It's part of the GOP DNA. We could see minimum wage outlawed. Abortion outlawed. Being gay outlawed. Voting while Black outlawed. Use your imagination. The sky's the limit. By the way, they hate the sky, too.

Look, I'm a lefty, not just a liberal. I hate drones. I hate the NSA spying on us. I want more done now on climate change, inequity in our justice system, voting rights and income equality. But I'm a lefty who lives in the real world. I see the obstacles the President faces, and they are not imaginary. I'll take some progress over none, or worse, ten steps backwards. Sniping at Obama from one's desk at a liberal website or banging on a djembe in a circle jerk, I mean drum circle, while chanting epithets as nasty as anything the Tea Party spits out will not move us one inch closer to Utopia.

©2013 Kona Lowell

Republicans Cry Foul Over Hillary Movies

Washington, DC. Yesterday, hysterically-named dysfunctional chairman of the RNC, Reince Priebus, demanded that both CNN and NBC cancel their productions of films about Hillary Clinton. CNN has a documentary in the works while NBC is planning a miniseries starring Diane Lane, who should look pretty amazing in a pantsuit.

Priebus claims that the films are nothing more than a “political ad masquerading as an unbiased production" and that the projects amount to a “major network’s thinly-veiled attempt at putting a thumb on the scales of the 2016 presidential election." He is further horrified that executives from these network have donated to Democrats and are now acting as "Hillary Clinton's campaign operatives." Should the two networks not abandon this blatant attempt to gin up votes for Ms. Clinton, Mr Priebus offers this dire threat, “If you have not agreed to pull the programming prior to the start of the RNC’s Summer Meeting on August 15, I will seek a binding vote of the RNC stating that the committee will neither partner with you in 2016 primary debates nor sanction primary debates which you sponsor.”

Now sane people may have realized several things at this point. One, Fox functions as a non-stop anti-Obama, anti-Democrat bullhorn 24 hours a day and has actually had a number of presidential candidates on its payroll and Mr. Priebus is blissfully unconcerned about that. Two, the GOP is not known for being overly worried about election fairness. Indeed there are some who would suggest that Republicans are in the process of thwarting fair elections. Three, two less Republican debates are not going to be missed by anybody in either party (what did they have last time, 27 or so?). And four, the Republicans are not prohibited from making movies or documentaries about any of the candidates they intend to have lose to Hillary Clinton.

Fox can help with this last item. They have the production facilities, a built-in audience and the money. And there is a wealth of Republican actors to draw from. Dennis Miller could play a wicked Rand Paul, with the right wig and sedation. Victoria Jackson would make an excellent Marsha Blackburn or whatever bat-shit crazy person with a vagina the GOP intends to run as proof that they don't really despise women and as a reasonable facsimile (they will assume) of Hillary. And as for directors, Paul Johansson who directed the blockbuster Atlas Shrugged series (part III scheduled to be released on July 4th, 2014) would be an excellent fit and should have plenty of time to work in more schlock.

And here's the thing. We Democrats will not complain. We won't demand that these movies be canceled or we'll take our ball and go home. We would love to see these movies. We have a sense of humor. And if Chris Christie decides to run for president, we won't even demand that reruns of The Sopranos be taken off the air.

©2013 Kona Lowell

The Death of White Culture

Radio hosts, Republicans, White Nationalists and Civil War reenactors nationwide are lamenting the looming death of white culture in what is quickly becoming a diluted, dangerous, multicultural America, and rightly so. This is no longer the country I grew up in, where a concerned citizen could shoot an unarmed, teenaged, Black potential burglar and go about his merry way. No, today that defender of white privilege might be eventually arrested, hauled into court, and then sent upon his merry way.

But there are other signs that white culture, the very definition of what makes America great, is virtually on life support.

For example, when I was a kid, we watched Lawrence Welk, the epitome of white music and culture. The entire show was so white that watching it could give one snow blindness, so mom made us sit at least two feet away from the TV. We thrilled to the whitest of dances, the polka. My whole family sat there, eyes glazed, tapping our feet spasmodically to what we assumed to be "rhythm." But before long, our heavenly Lennon Sisters (no relation to John Lennon) were replaced by the very Black Supremes and our beloved Myron Floren, the Happy Norwegian and undisputed king of polka accordion, gave way to Jimi Hendrix. Now one can hardly turn on the TV without hearing a Black person caterwauling, and even worse, white people trying to emulate it, however badly.

Of course square dancing, a dance that like the polka is reserved entirely for the dignity of the white race, was also replaced at this time with jungle dances like The Watusi, The Frug, The Monkey and The Twist. Warnings were issued by the clergy and other concerned citizens, but no one listened.

But maybe nothing so clearly reveals the death of white culture as does the changing cuisine of our country. Drive through cities throughout America and one will see Thai, Mexican, Vietnamese, Chinese, Japanese — even Middle Eastern restaurants, even though it's a well know fact that eating food made by Arabs makes one prone to changing one's name to Akeem, thinking that sharia law might be really good for Oklahoma and, worse, that maybe we shouldn't kill people that make such delicious food.

I won't even go into soul food, as I can't type and cry simultaneously.

Culture is defined by its food and its language. Try to go have a nice boiled chicken dinner. Go ahead. Try. And try to order it in English. You'll get Ethiopian chicken with Thai rice and tabouleh served with an accent. And when you complain about that not being boiled chicken, the waiter won't be pretending when he acts like he doesn't understand English, because he doesn't.

Yes, white culture is dying. But we don't have to quicken its demise. We can act. Twinkies are back in production. Who knows? Maybe Wonder Bread will come back. But until then white people must fight, even if it's a losing battle. Dance the polka. Listen to country music. Support NASCAR. Bowl. Vote for white people, however stupid. And remember, every time you take a bite out of a taco, you're taking a bite out of the dying body of white culture.

©2013 Kona Lowell

Obama, the Great Divider

Last Friday, President Barack Hussein Obama, by delivering an impromptu statement on the Trayvon Martin killing and a heartfelt no-teleprompter plea for racial understanding and justice, once again divided our country, separating those of goodwill, fairness and humanity from the racist asshole jerkoffs.

In the past, President Obama's speeches have divided the intelligent from the magically benighted, the common man from the amoral vulture capitalists who hover over our wounded nation and those who would rather not have our children dying in a foreign desert for no apparent reason from those who think it's pretty cool, as long as they aren't their kids.

This was different. This time the president drew upon his own experience dealing with prejudice as a young Black man as well as noting the racial inequity inherent in our justice system.

It was this step too far that caused right-wing pundits, talking heads and tea party politicians to momentarily cease formulating new and more creatively evil ways to disenfranchise Black voters, to cancel sending that email of Obama with a bone though his nose and watermelons on the White House lawn and to interrupt the on-air celebration of a 17 year-old boy's death. This was serious. How dare this uppity interloper suggest that race relations were not perfect in the greatest country in the known universe?

Into the fray leapt Fox News, the last bastion and tireless defender of the downtrodden White race, accusing the president of inflaming racial tensions and being not at all nice. Fox's Todd Starnes referred to Mr. Obama as "Race-Baiter in Chief" while Fox News contributor Tammy Bruce stated, “So Obama 'could have been’ Trayvon 35 yrs ago? I had no idea Obama sucker-punched a watch volunteer & then bashed his head in. Who knew?”

But it was Fox's own Sean Hannity, the close-to thinking racist's substitute for hillbilly heroin junkie and sex-tourist Rush Limbaugh, who really nailed it on his radio show, when he said, “Now the president’s saying Trayvon could’ve been me 35 years ago. This is a particularly helpful comment. Is that the president admitting that I guess because what, he was part of the Choom Gang and he smoked pot and he did a little blow — I’m not sure how to interpret because we know that Trayvon had been smoking pot that night.” And as we all know, pot smokers are apt to attack and brutalize strangers all too readily, especially if they suspect that stranger might have chocolate chip cookies on him.

Of course what really galled the moral, Christian right was President Obama's callous lack of concern for Black on Black violence. How could he, the first African-American president, care so little for his own people? Why should he not concentrate on this cancer eating away at the Black community, like they would most certainly do, if given only half a chance? Did this poseur not care that 94% of Blacks that are murdered are killed by other Blacks? How dare he focus on one dead dope-smoking thug and potential burglar and a helpful law that protects white citizens from such?

Unfortunately, those who make this argument through their crocodile tears leave out one big honking salient fact, that being that 86% of whites who are murdered are killed by other whites, not 17 year-old Black children armed with Skittles. So, c'mon, white gun-toting killers, you're just not helping with the demographics here.

©2013 Kona Lowell

Victory in Sanford

Hats are in the air in Sanford, Florida, and throughout the redder parts of the country, after 17 year old Trayvon Martin was found guilty by a jury of George Zimmerman's peers last night.

The six female members of the all-white jury determined that Mr. Martin caused his own death by being overtly black and walking through a gated Sanford neighborhood at the same time. Sanford, it must be noted, was not named after Redd Foxx's loveable junk man character he portrayed on Sanford & Son.

Legal analysts are hailing this decision as a victory for easily excitable white gun owners nationwide and a much needed buttressing of the Stand Your Ground If It's a Black Person Law that has made Florida a mecca for fat white men who love Charles Bronson movies and enjoy year-long hunting.

Legal precedent was also set in this decision as to what constitutes a lethal weapon. We now know that black folk are armed to the teeth every time they walk on a cement sidewalk, and a responsible white person will take this into account whenever he or she sees one doing so.

Zimmerman defense attorney, Don West, was "ecstatic" about the verdict, and had this to say about the cruelty Mr. Zimmerman had endured due to a justice system that had the audacity to question his actions and actually prosecute him for an act of heroism.

"I think the prosecution of George Zimmerman was disgraceful. I am gratified by the jury's verdict. As happy as I am for George Zimmerman, I'm thrilled that this jury kept this tragedy from becoming a travesty," said defense attorney Don West. "For that we are eternally grateful. But it makes me sad, too, that it took this long under these circumstances to finally get justice."

The jury also proved, as the defense noted, that this trial was never, ever about race, and that they would have found Trayvon Martin just as guilty if the situation had been reversed and he had shot Mr. Zimmerman. For that, all of us who love this post-racial country we live in can take great comfort.

And now the hard part begins, as American hero George Zimmerman struggles to put his momentarily detoured life back together, put the horror of this inexcusable trial behind him, and resume his duties and patrol on neighborhood watch. But white people in Sanford will sleep a little easier tonight knowing that Zimmerman is watching over them. And black teenagers have learned that they, like their hoodies, should stay in the 'hood and that justice is not just blind, it's deaf, too.

©2013 Kona Lowell

Winning White: The Republican Plan for Victory

After the historic thumping the Republican Party received in the last election, deflated members attempted to engage in a period of soul-searching. Realizing that to be impossible, they began to look at the numbers, and concluded that the changing demographics were not in their favor.

A burgeoning young Hispanic population, as well as a more involved and determined Black electorate, portend a dim future for the GOP, one that hints at irrelevance and late-night mockery for decades to come.

Even with the tried and true methods of voter suppression the Republican Party regularly avails itself of, and which thanks to the recent Supreme Court ruling on the Voting Rights Act will be employed throughout the country in 2014 and 2016, it still may not be enough.

Thankfully, the Republican Big Guns have a plan.

Enter Phyillis Schafley, longtime anti-liberal bedbug, who along with a confederacy of conservatives — which includes Rich Lowrey of National Review, Redstate.com editor Erick Erickson, and former Florida Rep. Alan West — took a major dump on immigration reform and stated:

“The Hispanics who have come in like this will vote Democrat and there’s not the slightest bit of evidence that they will vote Republican. And the people the Republicans should reach out to are the white votes, the white voters who didn’t vote in the last election and there are millions of them.”

This prescription for victory was echoed by one-time journalist, and now Fox News curmudgeon-in-residence and insect impersonator Brit Hume:

"And I am absolutely convinced that this trope that you’re hearing that says that if the Republicans don’t go for immigration reform much as the Senate has done, they’ll never win another presidential election. Oh, baloney. If you look at the statistics, you find there was one significant bloc of voters who turned out in smaller numbers this time in a major way — way below expectations, below even their '08 turnout — and that was white voters. Now, that doesn’t mean that if they turned out that Romney would have gotten them, all but it shows you that this Hispanic vote, which is I think now 8.5 percent of the electorate or something like that, is not nearly as important as, still, as the white vote, which is above 70 percent. So, if you look at it from an ethnic point of view, that addresses the question of whether you need to get right with the Hispanics."

The white non-voters that both Schafley and Hume are referring to are generally those who are less educated and generally do not involve themselves in politics (or reading, the internet, news shows or dental hygiene) . Reaching them, and getting them to participate, will be a challenge, but the Republican Party is determined.

"We are doing some real brainstorming here," said Reince Priebus, RNC Chairman, "We will have a GOP NASCAR racer which should get a lot of attention, once we explain what GOP stands for. And we are lining up country music luminaries who hate minorities, which is most of them, to stump for candidates. Hank Williams, Jr. is working on some great new tunes, like "I'm Gonna Put My Boot in Your Hasta La Vista," and other sure-to-be hits. And we are hoping to partner with Walmart and feature a line of GOP logo spandex, all available in XXXXXL."

There remains, however, one problem: the women's vote. How can Republicans deal with the fact that their anti-woman legislation is angering even Republican women throughout the country, and that they will definitely be at the polls in huge numbers?

"That's easy," said Priebus, "we lock them in fucking closet on the first Tuesday in November."

©2013 Kona Lowell

George Zimmerman & Our Post-Racial America

When Barack Obama won his first presidential contest, and became the country's first Black president, people who know important things declared that the United States had officially entered the era of post-racialism. One could be certain of this due to the way his election to the highest office in the land was embraced and celebrated by cheering, teary-eyed Republicans.

What confused some people were the unfounded assertions that President Obama was actually born in Kenya instead of Hawaii, that he is a Muslim, that he (and his wife) despise America (and white folk) and that he is a socialist communist Marxist Islamist Nazi. But how could we possibly be post-racial if the president was seemingly being treated disrespectfully and as an "other"? Thankfully, the Tea Party sprouted almost overnight, like mushrooms in cow shit, to demonstrate once and for all that this was simply theater, good-natured, playful ribbing that denotes a deep and abiding love and respect. Like a celebrity roast, only with misspelled posters.

The Supreme Court, realizing this, decided that a key provision of the Voting Rights Act was no longer needed, since racism had been officially abolished, paving the way for new hurdles in minority voting.

"Look, we all know Black athletes are the best at the hurdles," said Justice Antonin "Fat Tony" Scalia, "so this is really an advantage for them. As for the long lines sure to crop up in minority voting areas, it is also a well known fact that people of color like to mill around in large groups in the open air for hours on end. We're just trying to make them happy."

Enter George Zimmerman, a simple, hardworking citizen devoted to law and order, love of community and a fierce proponent of racial justice, to assure us that post-racialism is indeed upon us.

Mr. Zimmerman, it may be remembered, shot to death an unarmed 17 year old boy, Trayvon Martin, who was attempting to disrupt our post-racial utopia by walking through Mr. Zimmerman's neighborhood while haughtily displaying an inordinate amount of Blackness. The concern the police felt for Mr. Zimmerman, and the admiration for his selfless act of heroism displayed by Fox News and millions of supportive Americans, further demonstrates that we do indeed live in a post-racial world. A color-blind world, where white folk can shoot black folk without fear of retribution or the scurrilous charge of racism.

We can thank President Obama's election for making this all possible. And when we have finally elected our first woman president, we will witness a new dawn, the birth of a new era. The Post-Rape Era.

©2013 Kona Lowell

The Boehner Legacy: A Crying Shame

The Washington pundits are in a collective lather over not whether immigration reform will be passed but as to whether Speaker John Boehner will hang on to his job and finally leave the position with his legacy intact. While that's more enjoyable to speculate on than whether 11,000,000 people living and working here will finally have some means of legitimizing their existence, it entirely misses the point: Boehner's legacy is going to suck out loud regardless.

Recent polling shows Americans' approval of Congress at a record low of 6%. This means that most of us look more favorably on acquiring a variety of embarrassing and uncomfortable STD's than the job these people are doing. And the bulk of the anger is directed not at Democrats, but at John Boehner's fractured, ideologically-driven clown car of a caucus.

As you might recall, John Boehner began his speakership with a rousing, gin-soaked cry of, "Mr. President, where are the jobs (hic)?" after which he did exactly nothing about getting any meaningful jobs legislation passed, but did watch with grim delight as his fellow travelers in the Senate filibustered the American Jobs Act.

So to look busy, he presided over 37 meaningless attempts to repeal Obamacare, a masturbatory Tea Party fantasy which delighted these ersatz fiscal conservatives, but cost taxpayers 55 million bucks.

Of course Boehner has to do things like this (and waging a non-stop blitzkrieg on women's reproductive rights and equality) because people in his own party, especially the ones named after an American historical event they know absolutely nothing about, hate his fucking guts. If he does anything that makes Obama and the Democrats look like they are helping their fellow Americans, he's finished as speaker.

Yes, the Tea Party gets their jollies by thwarting all legislation Boehner tries to pass, as was evident in the recent Farm Bill debacle, and will be in their rejection of any meaningful immigration reform. Apparently, this is as close to actually tea-bagging Mr. Boehner as they can get, what with the decorum expected in the House. Yes, they are dolefully resigned to simply feeding him his own balls.

And now, Mr. Boehner is even hearing rumblings from moderates in his own party. So the Grim Weeper faces an unenviable decision: he can pass meaningful legislation that will benefit the country and lose his job, or he can do the bidding of the Tea Party racists, misogynists and morons, keep his job, and send the Republican Party into oblivion for years to come.

One would suppose this would be an easy choice for a man with a broken moral compass and the backbone of an inebriated night crawler, but it isn't. But whatever his choice, here's to John Boehner limping off the stage with his tail between his legacy.

©2013 Kona Lowell

Whatever You Do, Don't Mention Rape

Washington, DC. Since losing the women's vote to Obama by 18 points in 2012, Republicans have been focused on avoiding a repeat of that historic and embarrassing thrashing. Much of the blame went to two candidates, Todd Akin (R-MO) and Richard Mourdock (R-IN), both of which made statements regarding rape which women found not only ignorant, but insulting. Akin it will be remembered suggested that a woman's body can shut a pregnancy down if she is raped and Mourdock opined that a rape was God's plan. Both candidates lost.

Enter Trent Franks (R-AZ) who only last week stated that very few pregnancies result from rape. This did not go over well with a majority of women, people who had taken high school biology or rapists seeking visitation rights.

Therefore, to assure that nothing like this would happen again, Speaker John Boehner held an impromptu meeting for male House Republicans with Frank Luntz, political consultant, pollster, and Republican Party strategist.

"Gentlemen, I think you know why we're here," Mr. Luntz began, "We cannot be a viable national party if we keep shooting our own fucking heads off. So let me make one thing crystal clear: whatever you do, don't mention rape."

"Not even if it comes up in the conversation?" asked Paul Broun (R-GA).

"You think it's going to just come up in a conversation, you ignorant dick?" Mr. Luntz replied. "I don't know what sort of conversations you have, but mine are hardly ever about rape. Just don't say that word. Got it?"

"But we can say it if we're talking to men, right?" asked Joe Barton (R-TX).

"No, you stupid wobblefuck. Don't say the R word!"

"What if we just whisper it?" asked Joe Wilson (R-SC).

"That would be a no, Joe. Anyone have a gun I can borrow for a minute?"

"So we should only say it sometimes," said Steve King (R-IA)

"No. No, no, no. Just don't mention that word. Jesus! This isn't that hard to understand. Now Congressman Sessions, the National Organization for Women is waiting for you to address them in Ballroom D. I'm going to drink an entire bottle of vodka and slit my wrists."

"Members, we are honored to have Texas Congressman Pete Sessions here with us today. Let's give him a big NOW welcome," said Terry O'Neill, NOW president.

"Thank you Ms. O'Neill. I'm very rape to be here. Oh fuck." 

©2013 Kona Lowell

Fox News and the Stupid Factor

Over the past decade, several studies have shown that regular viewers of Fox News are more likely than viewers of other networks to hold erroneous beliefs. Whether the issue is the Iraq War, climate change, healthcare or even something as mundane as election polling, a vast majority of the Fox audience holds fast to easily refuted opinions.

For a quick and representative example, it was found in the 2003 PIPA study that 80% of Fox viewers held at least one of three misperceptions regarding the Iraq War: that WMD were found, that Saddam Hussein was in league with Al Qaeda and that he was involved in the 9-11 attack, none of which were true.

And in a study conducted by Fairleigh Dickinson University in Madison, New Jersey it was revealed that Fox viewers actually are worse informed than those who watch no news whatsoever. That would include dogs.

This prompts the question: Do people watch Fox because they're stupid, or does watching Fox make people stupid? Studies now underway suggest that it may be both.

It is well understood that many Fox viewers tune in to have their personal (and incorrect) beliefs upheld by someone wearing a suit and possessing a full complement of teeth. It is also well known that Fox has a history of catering to these viewers by altering quotes, video, photographs and facts. There are whole organizations and websites devoted to nothing but chronicling these regular journalistic lapses.

"I watch Fox cuz it's the station our sweet Lord Jesus watches," said one survey participant, William "Corny" Buttpflug of Sumpter's Neep, South Carolina. "Them fellas is the only ones who tell the damn truth about that there goddamn Kenyan Muslin we got in the White House. I seen the black helicopters. They ain't gonna make me marry up with any a my boy cousins. And, I like all them honey-haired gals with the short dresses, too. Yes sir!"

This was a consistent response from those who regularly watch Fox News. But what about those who never watch it? How would constant viewing affect them? To determine this, people who watch other networks were chosen to watch Fox for twelve hours per day for one week.

"I am delighted and honored to participate in this important scientific study," said PBS viewer, Dr. Alfred Harbinger, NASA physicist, "It does interfere with my studies, but a wise man once said that a change of work is the best vacation."

A week later, all participants were interviewed and tested to see if watching Fox had any affect on their objectivity. A majority now felt that climate change was great (more beaches), that George Zimmerman should be next to Reagan on Mt. Rushmore and that the Republicans had created ten hundred thousand million jobs since January.

"Dr. Harbinger, are you ready to get back to NASA and resume your work?"

"NASA? Hell no! I'm a headin' to NASCAR! Yeee-haaaa!"

©2013 Kona Lowell