The Remarkable, Incredible Kim Jong-Il

Pyongyang, N. Korea. Since the recent death of North Korea's Dear Leader, Kim Jong-Il, marvelous facts about the late tyrant have been released to the awe and wonder of the weeping masses. Among these remarkable facts are:

He made 11 holes-in-one the first time he played golf, scoring 38 under par.

He wrote 1500 books in three years and six full operas in two years.

He invented an invisible telephone and the hamburger.

He began walking at 3 weeks of age and talking at 8 weeks.

A double rainbow filled the sky at his birth.

But did you also know:

That Frank Zappa wrote the Black Page drum solo for Kim, who played it note for note on his first attempt?

That he was lovingly referred to as the Human Tripod by all his girlfriends?

That he could fly like a bat and echo-locate his food?

That he invented those little umbrellas that go in a mai tai?

That he slept standing up with his eyes open?

That he could do pushups with his tongue alone?

That he wrote the soundtracks to over 1200 80's porn movies under the name Johnny Kafka?

That Elvis took singing lessons from him?

That he killed him a bar when he was only three?

That he was actually 6' 7" tall, but stooped so as not to embarrass shorter Koreans?

That he edited the New York Times crossword puzzles under the pseudonym "Will Shortz"?

That he was the original Hans Solo but was replaced at the last minute by Harrison Ford due to contractual conflicts?

That millions of Koreans are really, really going to miss him?

Oh, one other thing revealed in the original bio released by the North Korean government: he never went to the bathroom. Duh.

© 2011 Kona Lowell

Romney Leaving Santorum in His Wake

Sofasleeper, IA. New Iowa polls show Mitt Romney leading all candidates with Santorum trailing behind him. Ron Paul, carefully watching his step, is in second place.

However, the remarkable spurt in popularity of Santorum with Iowa voters has amazed pundits.

"I certainly didn't expect Santorum to be on everyone's lips here," said pollster Nate Silver of FiveThirtyEight. "This is Iowa, for Pete's sake. Next thing you know, Dirty Sanchez will be Governor."

Silver credits the PAC, Tea Baggers for Santorum, for allowing Santorum to bubble to the surface.

"It's amazing. He simply oozes confidence. He started at the bottom, and just look at him now. He's out of the hole. We could actually find Santorum in the President's chair in the Oval Office."

Meanwhile, Iowa Republican and City Council hopeful Ima Buttplug has withdrawn her petition for a legal name-change.

"I thought it might be a hindrance," said Ms Buttplug, "but with Santorum so popular here, I figure I can slide right in."

© 2011 Kona Lowell

Ben Nelson Tired of Fucking Democrats, Retires

Cornhole, NE. Staunch Democrat Ben Nelson (D-NE) is expected to announce his retirement from the Senate later today. With a total of 23 Democratic seats up for reelection this year, compared to 10 seats for Republicans, many top party officials have been pleading with Nelson to run for one more term, but the Nebraska Democrat is standing firm.

"Look, I'm 70 years old. I've had a long and distinguished career, but I just don't have the energy I used to have and fucking the entire Democratic Party in the ass day after day is taking its toll on me. That's a young man's job. So the best thing I can do is to quit right now and hopefully help in handing the Senate back to the Republicans, God bless 'em. Besides, wearing this damn rug day in and day out makes my head itch."

Meanwhile In Iowa, the ad war between Romney and Gingrich continues with both candidates vying for the title of Most Disinterested in the Middle Class.

© Kona Lowell

Fat, Pasty White Man Apologizes to Beautiful Black Woman

Washington, DC. Representative Jim Sensenbrenner (R-WI), has sent a note of apology to Michelle Obama for saying she has a "large posterior." Although the exact words in the note have not been revealed, it is apparent that the Obamas consider the matter unimportant, as they have not responded to or acknowledged the apology.

This is not the first time the portly Sensenbrenner has made comments about the First Lady's figure, reports Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel's Daniel Bice. It seems that the Wisconsin representative told people at a local church that she has "a big butt."

Sensenbrenner plans to spend the holidays with his family in their sty at Menomonee Falls where they will swill down copious amounts of egg nog, turkey, mashed potatoes, sundry pies and cakes and a generous helping of fresh lard from the solid silver trough he inherited from his father.

© 2011 Kona Lowell

Libertarian Jules Manson to Change Name

Carson City, CA. California Libertarian and Tea Party activist Jules Manson has decided to change his name after a surprise visit from the Secret Service due to his call to assassinate President Obama and his family. Wrote Mr. Manson on his Facebook page:

"Assassinate the fuken (sic) nigger and his monkey children."

Mr. Manson said today that he was very, very sorry and that obviously his name conjures up negative emotions.

"With a name like that, people automatically expect you to be a violent, murderous freak and weirdo. So I'm changing 'Jules' to 'Jim.'"

© 2011 Kona Lowell

The Publican Party

There is some question as to when the Republicans first began referring to the Democratic Party as the "Democrat Party." New Yorker magazine editor Hendrik Hertzberg notes that as far back as the Harding administration and through the Joe McCarthy era, Republicans used this term as a frequent insult, but it was Newt Gingrich and Frank Luntz in the 1990's that insisted this term be used and it has stuck ever since. You will rarely hear a Republican refer to the party by its actual name.

There are various reasons why Republicans think this is a useful slur. One is that it galls them to use the word "Democratic" because the word carries too many positive connotations. My feeling is that they enjoy the way the word ends in "rat." Whatever. The point is that it is an intended insult, it is incorrect and should be corrected every time it is used.

To combat this, I suggest we beat them at their own game. Obviously, we have come up with all sorts of variations on "Republican," like Repug, Republicant, Rethuglican, Repiglican, and of course asshole jerkoff pig-fuckers. The problem is, none of these terms can be glibly used by Democratic politicians, strategists, analysts or TV pundits, especially "Repiglican," We need a slyly shortened form of "Republican" that simply sounds like a slip of the tongue.

I humbly suggest "Publican." Here's a brief Wikipedia description of the term. It is yummy:


In antiquity, publicans (Latin publicanus (singular); publicani (plural)) were public contractors, in which role they often supplied the Roman legions and military, managed the collection of port duties, and oversaw public building projects. In addition, they served as tax collectors for the Republic (and later the Roman Empire), bidding on contracts (from the Senate in Rome) for the collection of various types of taxes. Importantly, this role as tax collectors was not emphasized until late into the history of the Republic (c. 1st century BC). The publicans were usually of the class of equites.

At the height of the Republic's era of provincial expansion (roughly the 1st and 2nd centuries BC until the end of the Republic) the Roman tax farming system was very profitable for the publicani. The right to collect taxes for a particular region would be auctioned every few years for a value that (in theory) approximated the tax available for collection in that region. The payment to Rome was treated as a loan and the publicani would receive interest on their payment at the end of the collection period. In addition, any excess (over their bid) tax collected would be pure profit for the publicani. The principal risk to the publicani was that the tax collected would be less than the sum bid.

By New Testament times, publicans were seen chiefly as tax collectors by provincial peoples. It is in this sense that the term is used in Jesus' parable of the Pharisee and the Publican. However, their role as public contractors, especially as regards building projects, was still significant. With the rise of a much larger Imperial bureaucracy, this task of the publicans, as well as their overall importance, declined precipitously. Evidence for the existence of publicans extends as far back as the 3rd century BC, although it is generally assumed that they existed at still earlier times in Roman history. Knowledge of a tentative terminus post quem is taken from the histories of the 1st century AD Imperial historian Livy.

By the time of the Renaissance, the word "publican" meant a tavernkeeper (the licensed landlord of a public house), and by extension a slang term for a pimp. In England in the late 12th century there existed a religious sect called the publicani. Among their beliefs was the view that procreation was a sin.


Is that great or what? Saw the "pimp" part, right? Let's use Publican. Encourage your friends to use it. Encourage your elected representatives to use it. It sounds innocent, just like saying "Democrat" instead of "Democratic." I plan to use this term from here on out and will reserve asshole jerkoff pig-fuckers for special occasions, like funerals.

© 2011 Kona Lowell

Kim Jong-Il Death Overshadowed by Bon Jovi Not Dying

Pyongyang, N. Korea. Repressive North Korean dictator, better known to his starving people as Dear Leader, died Saturday and is none too happy. Said the dead tyrant from the lower levels of hell, "You know what? This sucks. I die, all North Korea is in the streets chanting and wailing and waving a flower named after me, the Kimjongilia, and the whole thing gets ignored because of a fake Bon Jovi death notice. Elvis I could understand, but Bon Jovi? Great hair, but he needs to comb it up. Up! Okay, gotta go. It's time to swim in the lake of fire again."

Kim Jon Un, the dead dictator's son, who will be likely taking over the country, echoed his father's anger.

"You Give Love a Bad Name is an okay tune, but Living on a Prayer is just your standard arena rock, although Sambora's guitar work shines. It should have been someone bigger, like McCartney, who didn't really die and ruin my dad's big day. Oh well, gotta go deprive the people. Later."

© 2011 Kona Lowell

Unhitchensed

A thought on the passing of Christopher Hitchens. I found myself in fervent agreement with him on some issues and just as diametrically opposed on others, but I always enjoyed the way he framed his thoughts, whether I agreed or not. I was always thankful that I was not the victim of his wit.

Hitchens was a true master of the English language. An artist. He used words the way Joshua Bell uses a violin or Jeff Beck a guitar. It was effortless, humbling, exhilarating and managed without a trace of self-consciousness. It was as if he himself had created the language, fashioned the words, such was his comfort level in wielding it.

When I was younger, William F. Buckley held me spellbound by his mastery of language, although I rarely agreed with him on anything at all. I remember the first time he referred to someone "ventilating their opinion." I think I just sat there and savored it, like a mouthful of a particularly fine vintage. I was always disappointed that he wasn't on our side.

Hitchens didn't have a side. He was rough on everyone, even himself. Watching some replays of old interviews today, I found myself just shaking my head at his uncanny, easy brilliance. I will never be that adept, that nimble with this thing we use to communicate. But I at least have a target to aim for.

Thank you, Christopher Hitchens.

© 2011 Kona Lowell

U.S. Unhappy with China Tariffs, Holds Breath

Guangzhou, China. The Chinese government angered the Obama administration Wednesday evening by imposing surprise tariffs on imports of sport utility vehicles and midsize and large cars from America. While mostly a symbolic move, since these vehicles cost several times more in China than in the U.S., the new tariffs are likely to further strain the already tense trade relations. The White House also announced plans to appeal to the WTO to investigate China's restrictions on broiler chickens. Said Carol Guthrie, a spokeswoman for the Office of the United States Trade Representative:

“We are very disappointed in this action by China. We will be discussing this latest action with both our stakeholders and Congress to determine the best course going forward. In the meantime, we plan to hold our breath until we turn blue."

John E. Bryson, Secretary of the Department of Commerce met with reporters in Washington, D.C. today to discuss the stalemate:

"We are not at all pleased with this new attempt by the Chinese to restrict our SUV imports," said Secretary Bryson, "not to mention our chickens, and therefore we are not going to import any more Chinese SUV's. Oh wait. Shit. Okay, scratch that. Bob, what shitty little country with weak defenses and people who look Chinese can we attack?"

"Myanmar?"

"Used to be Burma, right? Okay then, Myanmar, you're asking for it."

Meanwhile, Chinese officials launched a formal protest with the WTO against U.S. piracy of kung fu films and romantic movies in which everyone dies.

© 2011 Kona Lowell

Sheriff Joe Arpaio Draws Feds' Ire with Prank Calls

Phoenix, AZ. Maricopa County Sheriff, Joe Arpaio, may finally have crossed the line with the Department of Justice. Arpaio, known for his tough immigration stance has been under investigation for the past two years and has now been cut off from access to the immigration data base.

Thomas E. Perez, assistant attorney general for civil rights, said that over 400 interviews were conducted that revealed a pattern of abuse and harassment directed at the Latino population. In addition, sex crimes against Latinos were not investigated and the sheriff himself had distributed racially-charged literature, supported anti-immigrant candidates and acted with utter disregard and scorn towards the Latino community.

But it was Arpaio's telephone pranks that finally proved too much.

"Calling up bodegas repeatedly and asking if they have Prince Albert in a can and phoning people with Hispanic surnames during dinner and asking them if their refrigerator is running is just beyond the pale," said Perez. "There is a limit to the cruelty we will abide."

© 2011 Kona Lowell

Bill O'Reilly Dumbfounded

Recently, Fox host Bill O'Reilly was flabbergasted to learn, from Alan Colmes, that the U.S. military is run by the U.S. government. While discussing the government's ability to run health care, the following exchange took place:

“Can they run the military?” Colmes asked.

O’Reilly replied: “They can’t run the military because it’s military controlled, not civilian.”

“That’s government run, it’s still the government doing it,” Colmes countered.
“But the Pentagon calls the shots,” he said.
“But the commander-in-chief is a civilian, the government runs the military well,” Colmes insisted.
“That is wrong,” O’Reilly said. “The Pentagon calls the shots on how the military operates. The Pentagon is military people.”
“That’s the government,” Colmes said. “It’s the government, it’s still the government.”
O’Reilly concluded: “They work for and the government running it are two different things.”

So today O'Reilly was entirely gobsmacked when Colmes sent the following email:

Just wanted to tell you, Bill, that Joe Biden is President of the Senate.

O'Reilly addressed this today on the Factor:

"Okay, look, this is nuts. There can't be two presidents. Obama is the President and Biden is the Vice President. Are you trying to tell me we have two? Two presidents? What kind of pinhead are you? There is no such thing as President of the Senate!"

O'Reilly was later corrected by Senator Mitch McConnell (R-KY) who told him this was in fact the case. Sanitation workers are nearly finished with the task of removing the last skull fragments and traces of brain matter from the studio walls.

Said Alan Colmes, "I was just trying to be helpful. I was originally going to tell him that Calvin Coolidge liked to eat breakfast while having his cranium rubbed with vaseline*, but I thought it would make Bill's head explode. Damn. Who knew?"

*Actually true.

© 2011 Kona Lowell

The Republicans are Headed for Disaster...

... and as a good American, I will do my part to help them reach their destination.

The Republican House...

...is like an evil day nursery without a teacher.

Native Americans Angered at Gingrich "Invented People" Remark

Washington, DC. The National Congress of American Indians has expressed outrage at former Speaker and Republican presidential candidate Newt Gingrich's recent remarks made this weekend in an interview with WorldNetDaily. Said Mr. Gingrich:

"Indians are an invented people. There is no such thing as 'American Indians.' They never even called themselves 'Indians' until Christopher Columbus mistakenly believed he was in the West Indies and called them Indians. In fact, they are not 'Native Americans' either as they are not from North America, but from Asia, having migrated to the continent in the last ice age by a land bridge in the Bering Strait. If they don't like being here they should go back to China."

Asked if they intend to pursue a formal protest, NCAI president Jefferson Keel said that it was unlikely, but that this sort of revisionist history was unhelpful and hurtful to Native Americans.

"As we say in Chickasaw, 'Himmaka' nittakookano hattak yokasht toksalicha'nikat ki'yo. Hattak mómakat ittíllawwi bíyyi'kacha nanna mómaka ittibaachaffa'hitok.' This means 'All human beings are born free and equal in dignity and rights. They are endowed with reason and conscience and should act towards one another in a spirit of brotherhood.' But Newt Gingrich is a shithead."

© 2011 Kona Lowell

Limbaugh Finds Soulmate in Gingrich

Fort Viagradale, FL. Conservative radio host Rush Limbaugh has apparently reversed his opinion of Newt Gingrich and is showing positive signs of supporting his candidacy. Said Limbaugh Monday:

"Who was the last person to actually cut government? Who was the last person who actually led a movement that balanced the federal budget? Who was the person that did that? You're not gonna take a guess? That's right, it was Mr. Newt! The last guy who gave us a balanced budget. Now, there are a lot of other Republicans involved...but Gingrich was Speaker. The last time this budget was - the last time there was true welfare reform, the last time government was cut, Gingrich did it."

Gingrich said he appreciated the endorsement and that he had always admired El Rushbo for his values and patriotism.

"Rush is a man who believes strongly in the sanctity of marriage, just as I do,"said the former Speaker, "In fact he feels so strongly about it that he has sanctified himself four times. I'm only on number three, but the odds are I'll catch up with him.

"He is also a patriot, choosing not to endanger his country and other troops by serving with an anal cyst in Vietnam, just as I chose the better part of valor, or as my own website states: Gingrich received a draft deferment during the Vietnam War owing to the fact that he was studying at the time in Tulane University and he had children. In addition, he was also impaired with short-sightedness and had flat feet (pes planus).

"But as one can see, these issues have not kept me from amassing huge piles of cash and clawing my way to the top of the Republican heap. Whereas short-sightedness might be a handicap in some situations, in the GOP it is a positive boon. And my flat feet keep me from tipping over due to my vast bulk."

Mr. Limbaugh also praised Gingrich for his abrasive, mean-spirited, Sherman's-march-to-the-sea approach to politics, saying, "Newt and I have proven once and for all that fat, pasty white guys aren't all just jolly fun. You want nice, vote for fucking Santa Claus."

© 2011 Kona Lowell

Rick Perry, Christmas is All Around You

In his new and desperate ad, Rick Perry contends that gays can serve in the military, but children can't celebrate Christmas. Excuse me, but Christmas has been going on for about a month now. He needs to get out more.

Rick Santorum's Best Choice

Richard John "Rick" Santorum made one fortunate choice in his life for which I am sure he gives thanks daily: he chose to go by Rick instead of Dick. Imagine the googling.

GOP to Shorten "Conservative" to "Evil."

Washington, DC. After months of closed-door meetings, Republicans have agreed to shorten the term "conservative" to the simpler and easier to spell word "evil."

"Look, it's just too damn long," said Speaker John Boehner (R-OH), "The Tea Party guys that make the signs always get it wrong. Same with "Constitution." You could teach a monkey to spell 'evil.' They'll love it."

"It's not only a hard word to spell," said Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY), "It's tough to live up to it. The word 'conservative' implies that one is conserving something. That's not only hard to do, we don't want to do it. We don't conserve anything. That sounds like tree-hugging. That's not us.

"Look, we like war. We don't like poor people or middle class people or anyone who makes under a million a year. We don't like minorities and we aren't that crazy about women, except for the obvious reason. We don't care if you get sick and die because you can't afford health insurance. We don't care if you have a job or if your kids are hungry. We hate gay people, except the ones in the closet in our own party. We don't care if the planet survives the pollution we've churned out for years. We ruined Christianity for everyone. We lie. We cheat. We steal. We're basically evil, so we may as well just go with it.

"The only problem is we've told our base that liberals are evil, so we will have to really work to take back that mantle. But I'm certain we have the people who can do it. You've seen our candidates."

© 2011 Kona Lowell

Scaring Frank Luntz Shitless

Last week in Orlando, Florida, Republican strategist (propagandist) Frank Luntz said, right before soiling himself, "I'm so scared of this anti-Wall Street effort. I'm frightened to death. They're having an impact on what the American people think of capitalism."

So to counter this, the ever-amoral Luntz changed his shorts, rubbed his hind legs together and came up with a plan, comprised of phrases for Republicans to use to neutralize the message of the 99%.

For example, he advises the other amoral people who constitute the GOP to use the phrase "economic freedom" instead of "capitalism," say "take from the rich" instead of "tax the rich," say "hardworking taxpayers" instead of "middle class," say "career" instead of "job," say "waste" instead of "government spending," say "job creator" instead of "entrepreneur" and finally say "pay for performance" instead of "bonus."

In addition to torturing language and meaning, Luntz also suggested that Republicans never admit to being willing to compromise, never mention sacrifice and most importantly, always blame Washington.

It seems to me that we can do the same thing. Here are a few suggestions:

Instead of "capitalism or "economic freedom," use "unrelenting, slavering, predatory greed." Accompany this phrase as often as possible with a picture of hyenas devouring an antelope carcase.

Instead of "take from the rich" or "tax the rich" use "make those selfish, greedy mothefuckers pay their fair share." Accompany as often as possible with a picture of a French revolutionary holding up a freshly guillotine-severed head.

Instead of "hardworking taxpayers" or "middle class" use "Americans." It is after all 99% of the fucking country we're talking about here. Accompany with a picture of humans.

Instead of "career" or "job" use "work." This will really bother the Republicans. It implies effort. Sweat. Accompany with a picture of a buff, shirtless guy using a jack hammer. This will really piss 50% of them off and excite the other 50%.

Instead of "waste" or "government spending" use "good government," or "government for the people" as long as the money being spent contributes to the health and welfare of the population. We put this money in their hands, by the way, so spending it on services, programs and initiatives that benefit us is the entire point of government.

Instead of "job creators" or "entrepreneurs" use "bloated, life-sucking parasites." Include a picture of some sort of nauseatingly grotesque intestinal worm whenever possible.

Instead of "bonus" or "pay for performance" use "undeserved multi-million dollar blowjob." Accompany this with a picture of laid off workers being thrown out of their homes and another of sweat shops in China.

As for Luntz's other points, demonstrate often how Democrats have tried to compromise to no avail, uphold self-sacrifice as the virtue it truly is (mention Jesus if necessary, they claim to know him) and blame the guilty in Washington, not the ones who are actually trying to accomplish the will of the people. 

The GOP does not play fair. They never have, they never will. They have controlled the message for too long. It's time we not only took off the pink tutus, it's time we fought back. We don't need guns. We have the truth. Let's beat them to a bloody, shapeless pulp with it.

© 2011 Kona Lowell

Elephants Lobby to Change GOP Logo

Washington, DC. African elephants have finally decided that they are tired of the GOP using them as their symbol and have organized to have the famous Thomas Nast logo changed. Elephants Against the Republican Logo (EARL) sent their chairman, Jumbo, to Washington this week to discuss their demands.

"Look, no one asked us if we wanted to be the symbol of the Republican Party," Jumbo stated to reporters, "The fact is, none of us would even think of being a Republican.

"First of all, we're highly intelligent. Secondly, we're compassionate. We love our all our children. We all take care of everyone in the clan, even our dead. And even though we're very powerful and can be quite fierce, we're dedicated vegetarians. We are pacifists by nature. We would fit in the GOP about like a lion at a cat show.

"So we are asking the Republican Party to come up with a logo less offensive to our sensibilities. The hyena would be a good one, or maybe a jackal. The vulture would also be a very effective and logical logo."

"Jumbo, am I correct in saying that your group is composed entirely of African elephants, not Indian?"

"That's right, Chuck. The Indian elephants are not involved. I believe they are still hoping to get some of the benefits of outsourcing."

"Do you really believe you can get the GOP to change what has been their logo since 1874?"

"Well, David, we can only try. But I can tell you this: we never forget. That trait alone makes us totally unsuitable as Republicans. And, by the way, I actually was born in Kenya."

© 2011 Kona Lowell

Prostitute Denies Hooking, Claims to Be Historian

Washington, DC. A local prostitute with several prior arrests has denied that she was engaged in the world's oldest profession and is in fact a historian. The woman, who goes by Candy Apple, claims that she was hired by a local area man for what was not in fact a stag party but a seminar on the history of sex around the world.

"I was hired for my expertise on this subject and to give advice to the husband-to-be due to my experience as an insider. The gentlemen in attendance simply paid the fee for the seminar."

Ms. Apple said that the class included French, Thai and Greek history as well as a lengthy segment on missionaries around the world. She was arrested before she could begin her oral quiz on the Kama Sutra.

"Look, I'm going to be really direct, OK? I can make $60,000 for a weekend trip to Aruba with any number of congressmen here. This was a historical seminar. It's just ridiculous."

Ms. Apple was released on bail, as was the groom.

"This seminar was even better than Tony Robbins!" said John Doe, "And my feet aren't sore. I never knew history could be so fucking hot. I'm buying the tapes."

© 2011 Kona Lowell

Family Research Council to Rewrite Bible

Washington, DC. Tony Perkins, President of the Family Research Council, admitted today that it was becoming increasingly difficult to field a sinless candidate and that the only option was to remove certain sins from the Bible.

"We have a great field of candidates here. All of them are profoundly pro-war, especially as relates to any Arab or Muslim country. I think we can safely say that the entire field would be ready and willing to bomb them all into oblivion if possible. We can also say that every last one of them would work to make American Muslims second-class citizens as well.

"Further, all have the correct idea as to dealing with the nation's poor and sick, which is to blame them for their poverty and/or sickness. All have the right policy on taxation, which is to treat the wealthy as God's anointed. And all rightly see Obamacare as an insult to the Almighty.

"And of course all of our candidates believe a fertilized egg is a person, that gays should not be allowed to marry, serve in the military, adopt children or be seen as equals in our society. I think we all see Uganda as the model for a future America in this regard.

"We have just one problem: sex. It seems that it is getting more difficult to find a candidate that has been faithful to his wife or isn't a Mormon. So we propose to edit out those parts of the Bible where it talks about adultery. We will keep the bits about homosexuality, and just hope we have less Republicans with "wide stances" in the future. Of course none of this will apply to preachers or televangelists or camp counselors."

"Tony, will this make it possible for Newt to get your endorsement?"

"Exactly, John. Mr Gingrich embodies all we stand for, with the exception of his predisposition to committing adultery over and over and over again. With adultery no longer a sin, Mr Gingrich can go about his business with a clear.... what is the word I'm looking for? Oh yes, conscience."

"How about Herman Cain? Will this apply to him as well?"

"Only if he stops banging white women."

© 2011 Kona Lowell

Vlad the Impaler Dead, Paper Endorses Gingrich

Concord, NH. The Manchester Union Leader, bulwark of New English conservatism, has given its endorsement to Newt Gingrich. Known in political circles as a "king-maker," the Union Leader has in the past selected John McCain, Pat Buchanan, Steve Forbes and Pete du Pont to champion the Republican message.

"Newt Gingrich is by no means the perfect candidate. But Republican primary voters too often make the mistake of preferring an unattainable ideal to the best candidate who is actually running. In this incredibly important election, that candidate is Newt Gingrich," the editorial board wrote in Sunday's edition.

"Besides, Vlad the Impaler is dead and wasn't a native-born American citizen anyway."

The Union Leader asserts that the former speaker has not only what is needed to oust President Obama, but can provide "innovative, forward-looking strategy and positive leadership."

"If there's anything we know about Mr. Gingrich, it is his ability to resurrect himself, Phoenix-like, from the ashes of his past. Here's a man who's marital infidelity is not only legendary but soars to rarified heights of hypocrisy, a man who was literally driven out of Congress for ethics violations, a man who has seemingly done nothing since but enrich himself financially by whatever means necessary, and yet he stands on the front steps of the White House, poised to lead this nation to greatness once again. That is a true conservative, a true Republican" the Union Leader added.

"Our state motto is 'Live free or die.' We are certain that Mr. Gingrich will make at least one of those options reality."

Meanwhile, Mitt Romney, who has met several times with Union Leader publisher, Joseph W. McQuaid, in hopes of receiving the much-coveted endorsement, is said to be rethinking and honing his oral sex technique.

© 2011 Kona Lowell

Rush Limbaugh Eats Shit, Dies

Palm Beach, FL. The Golden Microphone was forever silenced this morning and the entertainment world stunned as veteran radio host Rush Limbaugh passed away after apparently ingesting copious amounts of feces, leaving his vast army of "Ditto-heads" leaderless and bewildered.

Details are still sketchy, but attending gastroenterologist, Kenyan-born Dr. Jomo wa Ngugu, had this to say:

"We do not know what happened to Mr. Limbaugh, but one can only surmise that if millions of people worldwide are simultaneously willing one to do something, it may have a deleterious effect on one's behavior."

Services are pending, and may be held in the Dominican Republic. Purdue Pharma, makers of OxyContin, are also bracing for a decline in stock value Monday morning when the market opens.

Meanwhile, Glenn Beck is listed in serious but stable condition at Parkland Hospital in Dallas after apparently attempting to have sexual intercourse with himself.

© 2011 Kona Lowell

New Poll Reveals 50% of Americans Dumber Than You Thought

In a new Quinnipiac University survey released today, results show that 50% of Americans are even dumber than was previously believed possible. Asked whether the U.S. should take military action to prevent Iran’s development of a nuclear weapon, 55 percent of voters said no, while 36 percent said yes. When asked whether the U.S. should take military action if sanctions against Iran to prevent its nuclear weapons program failed, 50 percent voted for using military force. Asked whether they could find Iran on a map, 50% said yes, 22% said yes, if the countries were labeled distinctly in large letters and 28% asked if a "lifeline" would be available.

Asked whether the U.S. could afford another war, 50% said no and 50% said yes, if Obamacare was abolished, we cut foreign aid, paid down the national debt and quit giving so much money to poor people.

Asked when they first heard of Iran, 50% said during the hostage crisis in the late 70's and 50% cited Flock of Seagulls 80's hit, "I Ran."

Asked whether they personally knew any Iranians, 50% said yes and 50% asked if Greeks counted.

Asked to identify the Straits of Hormuz, 50% described it as a strategic waterway between the Gulf of Oman and the Persian Gulf while 50% said it was non-queer Iraniacs (sic).

Asked what Iran was previously known as, 50% said Persia, while 25% said Old Iran and 25% said Ayatollahville.

Asked if they feared an attack on the U.S. by Iran, 50% said no, while 50% could not answer because they were hiding under their beds.

Asked to name the president of Iran, 50% said Ahmadinejad, while 50% said "some towel head."

Asked whether they would enlist to fight in Iran, 50% said they would not be willing, while 50% said they had something on the stove.

©2011 Kona Lowell

Gingrich Proposes Child Miners in Space

Washington, DC. In keeping with the growing consensus among conservatives that child labor laws should be repealed, and encouraged by the support for his plan that children should provide the janitorial staff for their own schools, Newt Gingrich has today made an even bolder proposal.

"I think we should start immediately to mine Jupiter's moon Europa for unobtanium with a workforce of poor and minority children. This would reduce the population of urban poor, jump-start a new industry, bring in much needed revenue and provide millions of jobs. Not to mention buttloads of unobtanium."

When asked how this would be funded, Mr Gingrich replied that the Koch brothers have been heavily investing in interplanetary travel for some time, "so there is no need to involve the bureaucracy of NASA. There is also the added bonus that regulations on Europa are lax to non-existent."

"Mr. Speaker, you are advocating sending 6 year-old children into space to do very difficult work. Don't you think that is a bit much?"

"You're completely wrong, David. You need to check your facts. By the time those that survive the journey make it to Europa, they will be 11 years old. No one is proposing that 6 year-old children mine unobtanium. This is a great opportunity to provide real, long-term careers for the nation's underprivileged children and to give the United States of America primacy in extra-planetary mining."

"What about these children's education, Mr Speaker? This is normally the age at which they would be in school."

"How much education does one need to operate a pick axe, Andrea? We'll teach them when they get there."

Elsewhere, Mitt Romney admitted to briefly touching his own genitals at age 12, but says he did not go any further.

©2011 Kona Lowell

Newt Gingrich and the Great Unwashed

Scrotumville, IA. Newt Gingrich brought the audience at the Thanksgiving Family Forum to its collective feet this past Saturday with what is soon to become one more timeless Gingrichian bon mot when referring to the Occupy Wall St. protestors, he said, "Go get a job, right after you take a bath."

While the subtlety of this statement certainly is lost on many pundits, it is clear that Mr Gingrich sees those of us not fortunate enough to be counted among the nations elite 1% as "The Great Unwashed." That he would slyly allude to a term first coined in 19th century England, one that succinctly described the rabble of the lower classes, tells us a great deal not only about Mr Gingrich but his party as well, for this era was characterized by Croesian wealth and gnawing, grotesque poverty.

Apparently, Mr Gingrich sees the connection, and shows the same disdain for the struggling working class as did Edward George Earl Bulwer-Lytton, the playwright largely credited with coining the phrase in the 1830's. It is also evident that the Republican Party shares this view, as he is being roundly applauded by conservative pundits for making the statement.

This all makes sense when one remembers that conservatives detest unions and workplace regulations, among other liberal accomplishments that ruined and replaced the more charming elements of the Victorian Era, like children working in factories by age six, rampant disease eliminating the poor with amazing alacrity and of course debtors prisons. Republicans see the term "Dickensian" as a positive one, just as they see nothing ominous or negative in the term "Orwellian."

It also makes one thing undeniably clear: this is class warfare. When one alludes to The Great Unwashed, there can be no other intent or meaning. Mr Gingrich clearly sees those not in his peer group as beneath him, unworthy and certainly unclean. In other words, if you are not in the top 1%, you stink. And the crowd  of would-be elites in Iowa and across the nation who support him and his mainstream conservative ideas agree. So the next time you hear a Republican charging liberals, progressives and even Democrats with "class warfare," tell them that they are absolutely correct. And sorry about the smell.

©2011 Kona Lowell

The Unrecognized Brilliance of Rick Perry

Herman Cain has his 9-9-9. It's hard to imagine a more concise, easy to remember campaign slogan or one more bumpersticker-ready. It is a marketer's dream. But Governor Rick Perry has proven himself to be a man not to be underestimated.

It's short, it's to the point, it cannot be forgotten and defines him down to the soles of his $3,000 cowboy boots. It is utter brilliance. It is:

"Oops."

If twenty years in advertising taught me anything, it's how to spot a winner.

©2011 Kona Lowell

Gingrich Insists He's Not a Hobbyist

Washington, DC. Newt Gingrich's startling and meteoric rise in the polls has some pundits, other smart people and even GOP candidates calling foul. It seems that Mr Gingrich has demonstrated a pattern of behavior that calls into question his legitimacy and intent as a presidential candidate.

"Mr Gingrich is a political hobbyist," said Ed Rollins, campaign strategist most recently aiding Michelle Bachmann in her failed attempt to appear marginally electable. "Running for president is just something he enjoys doing. Like stamp collecting or model trains. There is no room in this important process for a hobbyist."

"Look, I like collectin' horseshoes, fossilized cow pies and those other things, what do you call them? You know, they're about his big," said Governor Rick Perry, "but this is serious business. Newt should stick with collectin' wives. This ain't no hobby."

"The country is in dire shape. A hobbyist is the last thing we need," said Mitt Romney. "Mr Gingrich should stick to incendiary book writing and film making. But I must say, his collection of Faberge eggs is first-rate."

"I am not now nor have I ever been a hobbyist," proclaimed the former speaker in his own defense. "I take both the office of the presidency and the monumental task of campaigning for it with the utmost seriousness and pomposity. Now, I need to run. I have seven book signings and a showing of Muslims in the Woodpile to attend. I'll speak more about this after I get back from a quick fact-finding trip to Aruba."

© 2011 Kona Lowell

GOP Picks Newt Gingrich to Lose to Obama

Washington, DC. Republican pundits, strategists and voters are in the process of deciding that Newt Gingrich is their best choice for a candidate to be soundly defeated by President Obama in 2012. While Romney is not entirely out of the picture, it appears that Gingrich's sudden rise in the polls indicates that he will be the lucky candidate chosen to fall on his own sword.

"Look, we've got squat," said The Weekly Standard's Bill Kristol. "We may as well go down in a blaze of glory. Newt is the man for the job. He even looks like the Hindenburg."

"I was really hoping it would be Herman Cain," said Ed Rollins, political strategist. "At least we would have a black guy losing to a black guy. That would make us appear almost human, to the information-challenged anyway."

"Newt is going to be simply terrific in the debates with Obama," said George Will, mercenary columnist. "He's the smartest candidate we have. He can debate any issue from either side. He knows where Libya is. When Obama beats him in 2012, we will at least not look like total ignorant shitheads."

"I was all set for Romney to lose to Obama," said Michael Steele, former RNC Chairman, "but I can go with Newt. And it's a hell of a lot better than Cain. I was not looking forward to defending a stupid black man with a history of sexual harassment against an intelligent one with a beautiful wife and kids who everyone likes. I have some pride, deeply hidden for sure, but damn, I mean Herman fucking Cain? Give a brother a break."

"I was afraid it was going to be like sending in the Washington Huskie's B team to take on the Packers at Lambeau," said Charles Krauthammer, asshole. "I have been trying to imagine Bachmann or Cain or Perry debating Obama. It would be an unprecedented slaughter of laughably biblical proportions. Romney could maybe handle it. He looks the part. Nice smile, good hair, fresh breath. But Newt is the real deal. He has the right amount of pomposity, rage, xenophobia, jingoism and simple mean-spiritedness to make a lasting impression before the GOP implodes like a dying star and is consigned to the dustbin of History. We may as well go down with our guns blazing. Not that I've ever shot a gun, but you know what I mean."

"I'm still hoping for Palin," said Rich Lowry of National Review. "I still think she was winking at me personally. Is this thing ever going to go down?"

© 2011 Kona Lowell 

GOP Candidates Support Electrode/Testicle Information-Gathering

Spartanburg, SC. After Saturday night's 10th GOP debate, in which all candidates with the exception of Jon Huntsman and Ron Paul endorsed waterboarding as a means of interrogation, the remaining candidates were out in force today chiding President Obama on his curt rejection of their stance and seeking unity in their support for this and other non-deadly methods.

"Waterboarding is not torture," said pizza CEO Herman Cain. "It's not like we want to put someone on the rack and stretch them until their arms and legs pop out of their sockets. And putting electrodes on someone's testicles and hooking them up to a car battery is just electronically enhanced interrogation. It's been used for years, especially here in Georgia."

"I agree with Herman on this one," stated Governor Rick Perry. "A good jolt to the testicles will get a fella talkin'. That's why I oppose cuttin' someone's tongue out and that other thing they do. You know, that really mean one. That would be wrong. Fun, but wrong."

"Well if everyone else thinks electrodes to the testicles is okay, then so do I," said Mitt Romney, "but check back with me in about a week."

"We need a president who is not afraid to attach electrodes to the testicles of every terrorist, suspected or imagined," said suddenly skyrocketing Newt Gingrich. "President Obama is not that man. If he is re-elected, the Islamic terrorists who are taking over the entire world will think that their testicles are safe. I want them to know their testicles are in my hands."

"Can I run for that job?" asked Rick Santorum.

"I actually prefer cutting their fingers off one by one with tin snips," said Michelle Bachmann, "but electrodes on the testicles is okay. Works great on Marcus if I don't give him too much juice."

© 2011 Kona Lowell 

CBS

CBS = Craven Bull Shit

Breaking!

Not sure I've got this right, but it sounds like someone tied Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich together and Herman Cain is dragging them down the street. 

Wait, I stand corrected. It's just another poll. Romney and Gingrich are tied, but Cain still leads.

Damn, I liked the wrong version better.

Here Comes Newt!

Washington, DC. With Herman Cain's poll numbers and donations rising as a direct result of being an alleged serial sexual-harasser, it should come as no surprise that Newt Gingrich's numbers should begin to climb as well.

"Newt has Cain beat any way you look at it," said John Fund, editor of The American Spectator, "He's a serial adulterer, which trumps serial harasser any day."

"Mr Gingrich has shown a complete lack of anything resembling empathy for years," said The Washington Post's George Will, "Nothing appeals to the Republican faithful more than a man with zero conscience and unbridled greed. I mean, presenting your cancer-stricken wife with divorce papers in the hospital? Top that. This election is Newt's to lose."

"Newt Gingrich would love to kill every last Muslim, Arab or questionably brown-skinned sub-human on the planet," remarked Pamela Geller, anti-Islam activist, "He's got my vote! So many of these animals to kill, so little time. Plus, he really knows his jewelry."

"Newt is the most intelligent candidate we have," said Bill Kristol of The Weekly Standard, "Of course the bar has been set pretty low. Still, he can really stick it to the middle class. Most of them have no idea what he's talking about, but it sounds smart. Works every time."

"Newt Gingrich is even more loathsome than me," said Rush Limbaugh, radio personality, "And that's saying something. You want to fire up the Republican base? Then you need a man with no principles whatsoever. That's Newt. The Tea Party will eat it up with a spoon. With Romney, you suspect he might actually have a soul in there...somewhere. But with Newt, you know he will not be handicapped by that. I look forward to taking a trip to the Dominican Republic with him some day."

"I like his wife, Callista," said Rob Zombie, musician, "For obvious reasons."

© 2011 Kona Lowell 

Rick Perry Forgets Favorite Food

Austin, TX. Fresh off a disastrous and embarrassing debate performance Wednesday night, in which the Texas Governor could not remember which three government agencies he seeks to abolish, Rick Perry appeared on Wake Up, Texas, a local morning news show in hopes of doing damage control.

The Governor appeared a bit tired, but gamely bantered with host and former Miss Texas, Cathy Simpleton, about the weather, the Dallas Cowboys and hunting. All was going well until Ms. Simpleton asked Governor Perry what his favorite foods are.

"Enchiladas," Perry responded, "and pancakes and...what are those things, you know..."

"Bacon?" Ms. Simpleton offered.

"Yeah, bacon. No, wait. Not bacon. You know those things. They're about this big."

"Donuts?"

"No, not donuts. Shoot. My mom used to make them. Darn, just can't remember what they are. They were good, too."

"Well, how about your favorite color?"

"Blue. No wait, not blue. What's that other color? You know, it's about this big."

Meanwhile, Mitt Romney stated on CNN that it was not him that suggested we let Detroit go bankrupt, but an evil doppelganger named Ritt Momney.

© 2011 Kona Lowell 

GOP Women Mourn Failure of Personhood Bill

Jackson, Mississippi. The religious right and other conservative Republicans nationwide are mourning last night's defeat of the Mississippi Personhood Bill. The bill would have conferred legal human status on an egg from the moment of fertilization. But Republican women are even more upset by this latest setback to making not only abortion, but most forms of birth control illegal.

"I can't believe this," said Betty Jo Biggett, "Now I'm going to have to choose not to have an abortion. I would much rather have someone just tell me I can't have one. I have enough to think about."

"You know what this means?" asked Billie Jo Amway, "This means even more poor minority women won't be having babies! Where are we going to get our domestics twenty years from now? China? You think I can learn Mandarin?"

"I grew up with the deeply held belief that I'm chattel, you know, a breeding machine," said Bobby Jo Bovine, "Now what? How do I tell my six pregnant daughters that a fertilized egg can't run for president? It's gonna break their hearts."

"If a fertilized egg ain't a person, then what is it?" asked Tammy Jo Idjitt, "All my kids still look exactly like fertilized eggs, except for the homely one, God bless 'im."

"The only thing we can do now is make all sex illegal," said Sally Jo Frost, "unless it's for procreation. Then you don't need birth control or abortions. If there's anything this world needs, it's more people."

"I really do want the government in my uterus," said Candy Jo Slutsky, "as long as it's white Republicans. The more the merrier."

"I've spent the better part of my life telling other people how to live theirs," said Jonny Jo Megaphone, "This sucks."

Meanwhile, Paul Braun (R-GA) is working on a bill that would declare all sperm to be registered Republicans at the precise moment of ejaculation.

© 2011 Kona Lowell 

The Scourge of the Liberal Media

Washington, DC. It is a well known Republican fact that the media has a grossly unfair liberal bias, and that is never more obvious than in the Sunday morning news shows on the major networks. Whether it's NBC, CNN, Fox, CBS or ABC, one can be sure that the socialist agenda will be front and center, with the various hosts paying homage to their poorly concealed leftist ideologies.

Take this past Sunday for example. Here's how conservatives were given the short shrift and consigned to Liberal purgatory:

ABC's "This Week" — House Speaker John Boehner, R-Ohio; former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice.

NBC's "Meet the Press" — 2012 GOP presidential candidate Jon Huntsman; Gov. Haley Barbour, R-Miss.; former Gov. Bill Richardson, D-N.M.

CBS' "Face the Nation" — The guests are Ed Gillespie, Former Republican National Committee Chair, Ed Rollins, Former Bachmann Campaign Manager, Ken Blackwell, Perry Supporter, Liz Cheney, Republican Consultant and John Dickerson, CBS News Political Analyst.

CNN's "State of the Union" — Gov. Martin O'Malley, D-Md.; Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchison, R-Texas; Anita Dunn, former White House communications adviser; former Rep. Tom Davis, R-Va.; Marty Durbin of the American Petroleum Institute, Sean Kennedy of the Air Transport Association and David Certner of AARP.

"Fox News Sunday" — 2012 GOP presidential candidate Ron Paul; Reps. Heath Shuler, D-N.C., and Mike Simpson, R-Idaho.

As one can clearly see, Democrats and far-left liberals/socialists/Marxists carried the day. As a real American, I resent this attempt to force the liberal agenda down our throats and long for the day when conservatives are given equal treatment by the media.

And don't even get me started on how liberals have taken over talk radio!

© 2011 Kona Lowell 

Congressman Joe Walsh Wins Pro-Family Award

Despite owing his ex-wife $117,000 in child support, deadbeat dad and freshman Congressman Joe Walsh (R-IL) was honored yesterday by the Family Research Council for his unswerving devotion to family values. Said FRC President Tony Perkins, "We thank Cong. Walsh who has voted consistently to defend faith, family and freedom. Cong. Walsh and other ‘True Blue Members’ have voted to repeal Obamacare, de-fund Planned Parenthood, end government funding for abortion within the health care law, uphold the Defense of Marriage Act, and continue support for school choice. I applaud their commitment to uphold the institutions of marriage and family.”

Walsh proudly accepted the award and said, "I am glad to play a role in taking health care away from millions of Americans, assuring that thousands more women will die from preventable cancers and back-alley abortions, denying equal rights to gay Americans and weakening the public school system this country was built upon. I thank Tony Perkins and the Family Research Council for their grand apocalyptic vision and for helping to make it a reality."

Asked about his future plans, Walsh stated that he would like to run for president, but first intended to father several more children with various women and leave them to fend for themselves because nothing creates character like "pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps."

Meanwhile, musician Joe Walsh, known for hit songs like "Rocky Mountain High" and "Life's Been Good to Me So Far" is going through the legal process to change his name.

"I never thought there would be anyone more fucked up than me with the same fucking name. It's fucking embarrassing."

© 2011 Kona Lowell 

GOP Passes Resolution Confirming Flag

Washington, DC. After passing their resolution reaffirming "In God We Trust" as the nation's motto, congressional Republicans today passed yet another confirming the colors of the United States flag.

"It is red, white and blue," declared Rep, Tom Price (R-GA), "not cerise, ultramarine and ivory. I think all real Americans can now rest easier knowing that this has been firmly established. Our forefathers fought and died for these colors."

Asked how this related to the stated goal of job creation, Rep. Price said that job creation was the number one focus of the GOP and that President Obama was ruining job growth by being black and a Democrat.

"The American people know we are laser-focused on job creation, and we will get right back to that after we pass a resolution declaring apple pie the nation's signature dessert."

Other resolutions waiting for a vote are the Confirming Baseball Is America's Pastime and Motherhood, an American Ideal.

© 2011 Kona Lowell 

Explaining Things to the Cat

My cat Biscuit enjoys no better perch to observe the world from than a book. If there are a dozen other items to sit on, she will choose that. She is of the opinion that this makes her profoundly intelligent, even literate, but I explained to her that she is not able to absorb Kafka's Metamorphosis through her butt.

"It's not reading, Biscuit. It's sitting. You can't absorb literature like that."

"Absorbed as much as you did," she replied.

Gotta admit she's right.

© 2011 Kona Lowell 

GOP Candidates Let the Skeletons Out

Washington, DC. In the wake of pizza magnate Herman Cain's admission that he settled a sexual harassment claim, and received $350,000 in campaign contributions immediately as a result, other financially strapped GOP candidates are revising their bios in the hopes of getting some of the much needed and limited cash.

"You know all those foster kids I raised?" a frantic Michelle Bachmann asked, "Well, we had to put a few of the cuter ones out on the street. The less attractive ones learned to work industrial sewing machines. You're probably wearing some of their work now. How's that?"

"One would think that after all the lousy things I've done I'd be rolling in cash," quipped Newt Gingrich. "I guess I'll have to run over the new one with my car or something. Geez."

"Okay, yes, I rode with the Vagos for a couple years. But they were Mormon Vagos," offered Jon Huntsman. "We didn't kill anyone, but we sure beat up a hell of a lot of citizens. Well, several anyway. I think."

"I actually had a long-term relationship with the bartender, Bruno, at a bondage club in Pittsburgh," admitted Rick Santorum. "We still keep in touch. I have his name tattooed on my butt."

"I shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die," confessed Ron Paul.

Rick Perry did not offer any revisions to his background, as he is awash in funds, but did announce that he just can't help kicking small dogs. Mitt Romney, also well-funded, announced that his name really is Willard, but is actually spelled Wyllyrd.

© 2011 Kona Lowell 

GOP Launches New Campaign to Attract Women Voters

Washington, DC. Republicans have launched a campaign to increase their support among women, called We Know What's Best for You. The first new internet ads will debut next week, starring SNL alum Victoria Jackson and Elisabeth Hasselbeck.

"For decades now the Democrat Party has been pandering to women," said Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY), "American women just don't realize how they're being used. We aim to change that."

McConnell claims that Democrats have lured women to the party with equal rights, equal pay for equal work, freedom of choice on pregnancy and birth control, prenatal care, day care, maternity leave and a host of other woman-friendly initiatives.

"It's just cynical," McConnell continued, "The Democrat Party uses women's issues to attract women to the party. We are the real party of equality. We want to treat women the same way we treat all men who aren't wealthy and white: like shit."

The We Know What's Best for You campaign is the brainchild of Andrew Breitbart and Dick Morris and is being funded purely by donations and large amounts of untraceable cash.

"Believe me," said Dick Morris, "As a toe-sucking foot fetishist with a very small penis, I know what's best for women. Trust me, being barefoot and pregnant is a good thing."

© 2011 Kona Lowell 

Perry Gives Follow-up Speech

Austin, TX. After a bizarre speech last Friday in New Hampshire, that concluded with Governor Rick Perry hugging a bottle of maple syrup, many pundits and Washington wise guys have begun to rule out any hope of a "Texas Miracle" for the embattled candidate. But those who know the Governor are not so quick to count him out.

Perry spokesman Mark Miner told journalists Sunday that speculation about the Governor being drunk or on drugs was just another attempt by liberals to destroy the wildly popular juggernaut.

"He always talks like that," said Miner, "It has nothing to do with alcohol or pharmaceuticals. He's a free spirit. He was just feeling his oats. And he is well known to absolutely love maple syrup. I mean love in an erotic, pour it over body-parts sense."

So to stem the tide of apprehension among fellow Republicans, Governor Perry today addressed the Texas chapter of the NRA here in Austin. Looking healthy and fit on his red unicycle, the Governor moved with ease about the stage, using no teleprompter, alternately speaking in a high-pitched little girl voice and a deep Texas drawl.

"I have a dream," said the Governor, "but not like Martin Luther King's. In mine, I'm at the old Billy Bob's ridin' a pink mechanical armadillo, yellin' 'Yee haa' and wavin' my hat, which looks just like Carmen Miranda's, 'cept with more fruit. The audience is all female bikers and mean teddy bears holdin' giant corny dogs, and they keep yellin', 'Ride 'em, cowboy!' Suddenly, I fall off but when I try to get back on, Richard Simmons is already ridin' the armadillo and he's got my hat! So I take out a machine gun and mow everyone down. Rat-atat-tat-tat! Then Davy Crockett comes in and carries me out on his shoulders and we're in Cowboy Stadium where I catch the Hail Mary pass from Roger Staubach and God says, 'This is my beloved son. Give him a chimichanga!' Then I wake up. Happens every night."

Tomorrow Governor Perry will address the Texas Psychiatric Association and is expected to juggle live badgers while singing The Impossible Dream in Spanish.

© 2011 Kona Lowell 

Republicans Debut Work Program for Veterans

Washington, DC. Today President Obama announced another executive action, this time to put returning veterans to work. The initiative would hopefully put 8,000 returning vets to work in Community Health Centers. “I think all Americans can agree that veterans shouldn’t have to fight for a job once they’ve come home from the fight overseas,” said Matt Flavin, director of the Veterans, Military Families and Wounded Warrior Task Force.

Republicans, however, were not convinced. "This is nothing but a campaign ploy," said Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY), "We want to provide real work for these returning veterans. So we are proposing our own initiative, the Keep Them Fighting Plan. These men and women are trained for one thing: fighting wars, which means blowing things up and killing people. We spent a lot of money training them to do this. And we're just going to waste it? Not on my watch!"

Asked how the plan would work, McConnell stated, "We start another war with someone. There's always a country somewhere that needs a good ass-whipping. Iran would be a good choice. Then we have instant employment for all these well-trained veterans. In fact, the way I see it, we're going to have a lot of vacancies to fill. All those college kids that can't find work will be able to start right away. Unemployed minorities, too. It's a win-win."

The plan was revealed this morning on Fox & Friends where it met with overwhelming approval of the viewing audience and was hailed by Steve Doocey as "a real economic jump-start for the weapons industry, yellow ribbon business and prosthetics makers."

© 2011 Kona Lowell 

Obama Authorizes Use of Military Force

Washington, DC. Fresh off yet another foreign policy victory, President Barack Obama today again authorized the use of US military force to combat terror.

"It is my job as Commander in Chief to protect the lives and security of the American people. There is nothing more important in my job description. This country is under attack. I will not stand idly by and watch our great nation be destroyed. Therefore, I have met with Defense Secretary Leon Panetta and General Dempsey, head of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, and authorized the use of military force to eliminate the leaders of the Republican Party. They can run, but they cannot hide. They must realize that we will find them. Thank you. Chuck?"

"Mr President, is this strictly legal? The Republican Party is comprised of American citizens."

"So was Anwar al-Awlaki, Chuck, and he did far less damage to this nation than these home-grown terrorists have done. They must be stopped before they do even more irreparable damage. They are decimating the middle class and the working poor. Our economy is on the verge of total collapse. The very life of our nation is at stake. John?"

"Mr President, are you planning on putting boots on the ground or using special ops?"

"John, I don't want to get into specifics right now. We believe this can be done efficiently and with minimal troops, and of course predator drones are available. The main thing is we must stop them before they get their hands on the nuclear option. Thank you and may God bless America."

© 2011 Kona Lowell 

John Kasich, Asshole

On a serious note, 18 rare Bengal tigers, 17 lions, 6 black bears, two grizzlies, two wolves, a baboon, a monkey and three mountain lions are dead because you're an amoral, deregulating piece of shit. The officers who had to perform this horrible, sickening job will be affected for the rest of their lives. Sleep well, motherfucker.

Forbes Backs Perry's Flat Tax

New York, NY. One-time presidential hopeful and publishing titan Steve Forbes has all but thrown his considerable support behind a Rick Perry presidency due to Perry's just-revealed Flat Tax Plan.

Forbes told Yahoo News that Perry's plan is "the most exciting tax plan since Reagan's." While Forbes had his own flat tax plan, he thinks Perry's is even better. And he thinks Perry will be the next president because "he's got great hair, like Reagan, but lacks the empathy that can hold one back in creating a really robust business climate."

Asked what he found most promising about the Perry plan, Forbes said, "While none of the actual details are ready yet, we know it will even be a lower number than my 17%. I think rich people nationwide will get behind that. And most Americans will like it because they have no idea about this sort of thing anyway. People like flat things, like pancakes, pizza, DVD's and  flat screen TV's. And pie."

Asked about the revenue side of the issue and whether it would raise enough, Forbes said that "eventually the billionaires would create more and more jobs and everyone could have a nice piece hot, juicy apple pie with vanilla ice cream melting slowly on top, Mmmmm. Can't you just taste it?"

Asked whether the plan would increase the tax burden on the poor and the middle class, Forbes replied, "Hot, juicy apple pie with vanilla ice cream melting slooowly on top. Mmmmmm."

© 2011 Kona Lowell 

Oh, OH

I want to rename a town in Ohio "Oh" so the address would be Oh, OH. Which one does Kasich live in? That would be the one.

GOP Narrows Its Sights

Washington, DC. Republicans are employing a new strategy to win the presidential election in 2012 and extend their power into the coming decades. They are focusing all their effort on gaining complete control of the 1% of Americans with the most wealth and political influence.

For some time, the GOP was content to only alienate gays, blacks and Latinos. "I'm not going to campaign by getting up on stage and singing show tunes in Spanish while break-dancing," vowed Mitt Romney, "Any way, I've got a bad back."

But today's GOP is ridding itself of union workers, women, the young, the unemployed, first responders, the poor and the grumbling middle class in an effort to make the "Big Tent" smaller and more effective.

"We can't make everybody happy," said Mitch McConnell (R-KY), "But we can make the very wealthy 1% simply delirious. Pleasing the middle class is a zero-sum game. But trying to help the poor, well, that's like being an actual Christian. No percentage in that."

Asked how they would manage to get enough votes from 1% of the population to overcome the other 99%, Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) shrugged and said, "The same way we always do."

© 2011 Kona Lowell 

GOP Debate Highlights

Las Vegas, NV. As befitting Vegas, the fireworks were certainly non-stop in this, the 37th GOP debate tonight. Here's a recap of some of the most dramatic moments before the ambulances arrived.

6:15 Romney displays visible resentment at Perry continually calling him "Morm" instead of Mitt.

6:19 Herman Cain defends his 999 Plan by talking about different kinds of fruit.

6:21 Romney reminds Perry again that is name is Mitt, not Morm.

6:24 Cain defends his 999 Pan by talking about different kinds of vegetables.

6:26 Perry calls Romney "Morm" again.

6:29 Newt Gingrich says something about Nazis and Islam and Reagan.

6:31 Michelle Bachmann suggests that Iranians have infiltrated the House of Representatives.

6:33 Perry pees on Romney's shoe. Romney punches Perry in the nose.

6:35 Dr Ron Paul refuses to stop Perry's nose bleed on the grounds that it would be infringing on his rights.

6:37 Cain defends his 999 Plan by talking about different kinds of fish.

6:39 Rick Santorum comes out on national TV in the hopes of getting the Log Cabin Republican vote.

6:41 Bachmann screams "Iranian!" at Santorum and begins stabbing him with a pencil.

6:42 Paul refuses to stop Santorum's bleeding on the grounds that it would be government interference.

6:44 Cain defends his 999 Plan by talking about different kinds of rodents.

6:46 Bachmann is finally subdued with a tranquilizer dart.

6:50: Perry kicks Romney in the balls. Romney looks puzzled.

6:53 Santorum stage dives into the crowd and disappears.

6:57 Cain defends his 999 Plan by talking about different kinds of trees.

7:01 Anderson Cooper pulls his own head off.

7:03 CNN brings in John King to finish moderating the debate.

7:06 Gingrich talks about the importance of faith and marriage.

7:07 Gingrich struck and killed by a rare indoor lightning bolt.

7:09 Cain electrocuted by his lapel mic while defending his 999 Plan by talking about different kinds of marsupials.

7:13 Romney accidentally stabs Perry in the eye with an ice pick, killing him instantly. Then baptizes him.

7: 15 Ron Paul has apparently died of natural causes.

7:16 CNN's David Gergen declares Romney the winner of the debate. John King still thinks Perry might come back to life. Wolf Blitzer reminds them that Huntsman was not at the debate and is therefore still alive. A CNN viewer poll shows Romney holding steady at 23%.

© 2011 Kona Lowell 

Herman Cain: "Just Kidding!"

Washington, DC. Presidential hopeful Herman Cain is now claiming that his plan to electrocute people crossing the border illegally was only a joke.

"That's a joke," Cain said on NBC's "Meet the Press." "I've also said America needs to get a sense of humor. That was a joke, OK."

This walkback comes in response to the outrage expressed over Cain's recent comments Saturday at a rally in Tennessee when Cain stated, "When I'm in charge of the fence, we going to have a fence. It's going to be 20 feet high. It's going to have barbed wire on the top. It's going to be electrocuted, electrified," Cain said. "And there's going to be a sign on the other side that says it will kill you."

"That's not a serious plan," Cain said Sunday to David Gregory, "What I really want is to dig some of those tiger pits like we had in Vietnam, you know, with the big sharp sticks in them with poison on the tips. We could dig them under trees, and hang pinatas from the branches. Then when the Mexicans went to hit the pinatas, boom. You know? And then we would of course position snipers behind fake taco stands to pick off any who didn't fall into the hole. Then of course the predator drones would mop up any who managed to get past the snipers."

"Don't you think that some people might see that as a bit harsh?" responded Gregory.

"No, David, I don't think so. The American people want solutions. But we could just fill the Rio Grande with alligators, piranhas and small personnel mines. I just thought the tiger pits were less messy. You can just fill them in when you're done."

"And how did you come up with those funny lyrics to John Lennon's Imagine, Mr Cain?"

© 2011 Kona Lowell 

New Pew Survey of Tea Party Members

Washington, DC. Today the Pew Research Center released a new survey of the Tea Party designed to determine their beliefs on a number of historical events as well as issues both scientific and political. It is hardly surprising that most members tend to vote Republican and lean to the right on social issues, but many sociologists were surprised that so many of their firmly held beliefs had no basis in reality. For example:

89% of Tea Party members believe that corporations are not only people, but most likely their real parents.

76% believe that Benjamin Franklin invented the kite and the phrase associated with it.

91% believe that President Obama is not only a Muslim from Kenya that is probably the Antichrist, but is also secretly rigging NASCAR.

73% believe that Jesus was a blond-haired, blue-eyed Norwegian that looked nothing like the Palestinians in his neighborhood. This is the only thing they agree with the Mormons on.

81% believe that they have seen Elvis at Walmart and that he looks pretty good for a guy his age, even in spandex.

87% believe that Sarah Palin won on Jeopardy twice, but the liberal lamestream media would not run the damn episodes.

99% believe the Arab world hates us for our Fritos.

74% believe that country music will be played in heaven. On banjos.

93% believe that fluoride in the water caused their teeth to fall out, not Mountain Dew, those little chocolate donuts or Auntie Billie's pralines.

84% believe that everyone should have a gun (except gays, liberals, Muslims, immigrants and minorities).

96% believe that Marcus Bachmann is not gay, just very, very happy.

81% believe that a romantic dinner requires candles, mood music, taking the chicken out of the bucket and using napkins.

78% believe that Democrats want to take away their gums.

98% believe that gay cousins should not be able to marry.

100% believe that the Tea Party is a real, grassroots movement and that they are not being useful idiots for corporate entities who will chuckle as they die in poverty, ignorance and shame due to the lack of health care they fought against.

© 2011 Kona Lowell 

Herman Cain: The Ideal Republican Candidate

Washington, DC. As the new NBC/Wall Street Journal poll shows, Herman Cain is the cream rising to the top of the GOP bucket. Cain now leads Romney 27% to 23%, proving Republicans desire most to be represented by someone who knows absolutely nothing about government.

Cain does amazingly well with primary voters, but among Tea Party supporters his numbers are even higher, his favorable/unfavorable score being 69 % to 5 %. And among those Republicans identifying themselves as “very conservative,” it’s 72 % to 2 %.

The main reason Cain does so well among these voters is his utter lack of experience. The closest he's come to holding office was his term as president of the National Restaurant Association. Conservatives of all stripes see this as a positive boon.

Aside from his laudable inexperience at all things political, Cain has other assets the GOP demands from its candidates, such as an almost magical ability to deal with any issue in a fact-free manner.

Commenting on the Occupy Wall St. protests recently, Cain stated, "I don't have the facts to back this up," and then continued, "These demonstrations are planned and orchestrated to distract from the failed policies of the Obama administration." Good enough to gain the support of a majority of Republicans. That's exactly what they want to hear: a man who could possibly be Commander in Chief arriving at conclusions by gut alone.

But lack of experience and the innate ability to disregard facts are not Cain's only selling points. He also believes that sharia law is an imminent danger and that Muslim Americans should be required to take a special loyalty oath. He believes that being gay is a choice and that gays are "Godless." He is a staunch defender of a woman's duty to carry every pregnancy to term and believes that Planned Parenthood practices eugenics. This is dream-candidate talk for the GOP faithful.

But there's more. Cain's much-praised 999 Plan has even Congressman Paul Ryan swooning. Not only does this plan reduce taxes dramatically for the rich, it fucks the working poor and middle class like they've never been fucked before, all while making the continuation of Social Security and Medicare nearly impossible due to plummeting revenue.

All of this would be enough of course to please most conservatives. But there's more, and it's sheer genius.

Herman Cain is a black man. His father worked three jobs: janitor, barber and chauffeur. His mother worked as a maid. Who better to call black Americans shiftless and lazy and "brainwashed"? Rush Limbaugh can do this all day (and does), but it smacks of racism. Cain, being black, can demean other blacks without worrying about the racism charge. It's brilliant. And even better, he can run against an incumbent black president and claim to actually be blacker.

In spite of this, there are still some GOP candidates who believe that Cain is vulnerable. For example, when asked how his proposed corporate income tax would apply to products manufactured in other countries but designed and sold in the U.S market., Cain replied, "I have no idea." Romney and Perry see this as a weakness. They are dead wrong. They do not understand their own voters. They misread the mentality of the Tea Party. Their base wants someone who knows absolutely nothing. Just like them.

Herman Cain could win the Republican nomination with a very simple bumper sticker: I HAVE NO IDEA.

© 2011 Kona Lowell 

Perry Stands by 16th Century Revolution Date

Austin, TX. A beleaguered Governor Rick Perry today was standing firm on his statement at a Dartmouth fraternity house last night following his lackluster debate performance. When asked about states' rights, Perry had said,  "Our Founding Fathers never meant for Washington, D.C. to be the fount of all wisdom. As a matter of fact they were very much afraid of that because they'd just had this experience with this far-away government that had centralized thought process and planning and what have you, and then it was actually the reason that we fought the revolution in the 16th century was to get away from that kind of onerous crown if you will."

Many pundits and some smart people saw this as yet another gaff, but Governor Perry adamantly denied this.

"I'm Scottish. I was referring to the Scottish Rebellion of 1567 in which Scotland's Protestant Lords raised an army and, at Carberry Hill, took the Queen, Mary Queen of Scots, prisoner for her offensive lifestyle and flagrant Catholicism. So fuck you."

© 2011 Kona Lowell 

Romney Surges, Tea Party Simmers

Washington, DC. Mitt Romney has now established the lead in the GOP hunt for the Republican presidential nomination, with dark horse candidate Herman Cain nipping at his heels. Romney has soared from a dismal 20% in June to a lofty 23% (undoubtedly aided by Chris Christie's endorsement) while pizza magnate and political newcomer Cain has risen from 7% to 19%. They are being chased by libertarian-on-most-things Ron Paul with 13% and a rapidly deflating Rick Perry with 10%.

And yet all is not well for presumptive nominee Romney. Tea Party voters, still reeling from Sarah Palin's decision to place celebrity and large bags of untraceable cash over country, are not ready to board the Romney train to Mormonville. And with Governor Rick Perry appearing uneasy about shooting Mexicans on sight, Tea Party faithful can only hope a savior emerges, and emerges soon.

"We need a guy who will take America back," said Tea Party patriot Lance "Dick" Small, "to where it used to be in the old days, instead of being stuck between Canada and Mexico."

"Romneycare is the same damn thing as Obamacare," said Tea Party activist Bille Mae Spigot. "The only damn difference is one is from Massachusetts and t'other's from Kenya. I don't want either damn deal. I got this scooter chair with my Medicare, not from some damn cultist or from some socialist witch doctor. I'm voting for Sarah whether she runs or not. She's been ordained by God."

"I'm starting a write-in campaign for Chuck Norris," said Civil War re-enactor Bud Wanker. "Chuck would kick some ass. He could patrol the damn border all by himself. Romney can't even do a spinning back kick."

"It just comes down to who hates Muslims the most," said Jack Dale Lee. "Romney ain't tough enough on that sharia law deal. And he's a Mormon. They like having all those wives, too. If he becomes president, we'll all be praying to Mecca, eating goat meat and ridin' goddamn camels! Cain hates them A-rabs, but damn it, he's blacker than Obama! Where's that Chuck Norris petition?"

© 2011 Kona Lowell 

Christie Comes Out in Favor of White Bread

Lebanon, NH. Today New Jersey Governor Chris Christie threw his considerable weight behind Mitt Romney, endorsing him for the GOP presidential nomination. Said Christie, "I believe he's the best person to be able to articulate Republican values as well as the best candidate to defeat President Barack Obama in 2012.

"He will be able to carry out our anti-union, corporatist agenda in a much more stealthy manner than I would have been able to do. I'm not too good at sneaking up on people, but Mitt has been a political ninja for years.

"I would have gone with Perry, but he even scares me. I think it's the eyes. They're even beadier than mine. Mitt is white bread. I love white bread. No, I don't mean I like white bread, I mean I love it. I could eat several loaves of it at a time. With bologna or peanut butter or big dollops of lard. But Mitt, he's like a big fresh loaf of Wonder Bread. Everybody loves Wonder Bread. And Twinkies."

Romney thanked Governor Christie for his endorsement and called him a "real Republican hero" or at least a foot long sub with lots of peppers and cheese.

"I am going to work very hard to be worthy of this endorsement, "said Romney. "The Governor is also going to give me a bit of coaching on how to talk and act like a real human. I'm watching Jersey Shore reruns, too. I've got one line down perfectly now, which I intend to use in tonight's debate: 'Please, you should really forget about that!' I will be saying that a lot."

Romney and his wife also had a shipping container of Wonder Bread delivered to the New Jersey Governor's mansion as a parting gift.

© 2011 Kona Lowell 

Columbus Day in Hawaii

In honor of Columbus, I'm making my famous Genoese ziti for dinner tonight with a nice Coda di Volpe. Afterwards, we are going to burn down my neighbor's house and build a mission on the smoking remains. If he refuses to convert, we'll kill him. It's going to be tough. He's a nuclear physicist and an atheist.

© 2011 Kona Lowell 

The Return of Joe the Plumber

Drayno, Ohio. Today Samuel Joseph Wurzelbacher filed the necessary papers with the FEC to run for the seat now held by Marcy Kaptur in Ohio's 9th district. Wurzelbacher, who gained notoriety during the McCain campaign as "Joe the Plumber," will likely run as a Tea Party candidate.

"I think it's time we had a little more honesty and less phoniness in politics," said Wurzelbacher, who is neither a plumber nor named Joe. "And it's also time we had more people who have no idea how government works or what the issues are making dire decisions that affect the very lives of our citizens. I'm ready to do my part. What I did for the McCain campaign, I want to do for my country."

Asked if he could fix a leak in the press bathroom, Mr Wurzelbacher declined, saying he did not feel qualified to do that.

© 2011 Kona Lowell 

Protein Shake Argument

My wife and I were arguing about whether I should use whey protein in my morning workout shake.

"No whey," she said.

"Whey," I said.

© 2011 Kona Lowell 

Wall St. Counter-Protest Goes Awry

New York, NY. Upset by the burgeoning Occupy Wall St. protests, several dozen bankers organized a counter-protest in the hopes of getting their own message out and squelching the movement in its infancy. Called Occupy Main St., the bankers loaded up several stretch limousines and headed to Bedford-Stuyvesant, where they erected several large solar-powered yurts in Fulton Park.

Said Tad Walmarton III, "We bankers have rights as well, you know. If you intend to encamp in our front yard, we shall therefore encamp in yours. I have experienced rough and tumble living before, when as a young lad I spent two weeks at French camp in the Adirondacks. My fellow bankers likewise have erstwhile experience in dealing with the vagaries of inconvenient living and we intend to stay until our non-negotiable demands are acceded to."

With that, the string quartet began playing "We Shall Overcome" as waiters dispensed champagne and finger sandwiches to the protesters. Area residents began to gather and some jeering was heard.

Unfortunately, when we returned the following morning to report on the OMS protest progress, there was no one to be found. All the yurts were gone and no sign of the campers was to be seen. Police dogs were called in and followed a pâté trail that led out of the park, but it ended in a blind alley.

"Well, I'm stumped," said Lieutenant McMahon. "They just disappeared. It's the damnedest thing. No one saw nothin'. I'm leanin' towards space alien abduction."

Police ask that if you have any information on the missing bankers to please call the non-emergency number at the station and leave a message.

© 2011 Kona Lowell 

Hank, Jr. Moves On to Greater Things

Nashville, TN. Hank Williams, Jr. may be bloodied but he remains unbowed after his dismissal from ESPN's Monday Night Football. Writing on his website, Bocephus declares, with many eerily Teutonic-like capitalized words:

“After reading hundreds of e-mails, I have made MY decision,” the singer wrote. “By pulling my opening Oct 3rd, You (ESPN) stepped on the Toes of The First Amendment.”
“Freedom of Speech, so therefore Me, My Song, and All My Rowdy Friends are OUT OF HERE. It’s been a great run.”

Asked what his plans are, the musician replied, "Well, I have a Piggly Wiggly opening in West Hawkins in a week, then the Sons of the Confederacy Picnic next month in Jefferson City. Then at Christmas we have a White Aryan Resistance dance at the Legion Hall in Forksburg. I'm gonna be busier than a cow's tail in fly season."

But this is not all that will be occupying the Rowdy One in coming months. A new book is in the works, Are You Ready for Some Foot in the Balls, Ni**er? s well as his own fragrance for white males, Bocephus.

"It's smells like Jack Daniels, gunpowder and tire marks with just a hint of white musk. We're also working on a line of Confederate flag clothing for children, called Webel Webel and my favorite, a line of bedding, all in white of course."

© 2011 Kona Lowell 

Herman Cain: It's a Choice

Atlanta, GA. Presidential candidate and pizza CEO Herman Cain ruffled feathers today when he claimed that being black was a choice, adding more fuel to the Nature vs Nurture debate.

"I am black by choice. It's a conscious decision. I knew that if I wanted to have any chance in the Republican Party, I would have to be the lone black candidate. Selling pizza isn't a real springboard to the presidency."

Asked how he became black, Cain responded, "It took a lot of effort. I watched a lot of reruns of The Jeffersons and Good Times."

The other GOP candidates reacted to this announcement positively. "I think Mr Cain is a courageous fellow to admit this," said Mitt Romney. "It just shows what can be accomplished if someone really wants to change. I used to be Chinese."

Jon Huntsman was the only dissenting voice, claiming that one is simply born black and cannot become black. He was immediately set upon by several of the other GOP candidates and beaten senseless.

"It's just like being left-handed," Mr Cain added, "it's a choice."

© 2011 Kona Lowell 

Wherefore Art Thou?

Washington, DC. The Republican Party is curled up in the fetal position on the couch and only getting up periodically to eat a half gallon of tin roof ice cream and cry into the mirror over the latest jilting by Governor Chris Christie.

She tried calling Governor Mitch Daniels, but he doesn't call back. Ever. Was it something she said? Did? Bastard.

"I'm fat and ugly," The Republican Party sobbed. "Tim Pawlenty only went on one date with me. And he didn't even kiss me."

The Republican Party trudges back to the refrigerator and takes out a new half gallon of cookie dough ice cream, slouches back to the living room and flops on the couch.

"Donald didn't even want me, and he'll fuck anything. I hate myself. Rudy doesn't want me. Huckabee would rather be on TV playing his bass. Maybe if I changed my hair..."

Suddenly, the phone rings.

"Hello? Yes, this is the Republican Party! Yes, I'd love to!!! Thank you! Eight o'clock! Yes! I'll be there! Thank you!"

The Republican Party runs to the bedroom and lays her best dress on the bed.

"I'm so excited! I just hope Mitt has a little better staying power this time. He's such a good dancer."

© 2011 Kona Lowell 

Naive

The very people in the media who told us over and over that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction are now accusing the Occupy Wall St. protesters of being naive.

Rick Perry Apologizes for Hunting Camp Name

Austin, TX. A haggard-looking Gov. Rick Perry faced reporters this morning to address the growing controversy over the name of a hunting camp on the Clear Fork of the Brazos River that his family and friends have enjoyed for decades. The uproar began when it became known that the camp had a large rock at its entrance with the word "Niggerhead" on it. Although the offending rock had eventually been painted over and apparently now removed, it is still causing trouble for Perry's campaign.

Perry stated last week that the word on the rock was an “offensive name that has no place in the modern world.” This declaration, however, has still not removed the cloud that is causing his staff to scramble to keep the candidate from sinking further in the polls.

"People who know me will tell you I am not a racist," said the Governor this morning. "I have appointed more colored people than anyone else in Texas. It's time we moved beyond this distraction and got back to talking about the problems facing our country and the terrible job President Obama has been doing. As you know, we painted over this rock some time ago, right after my family came back from a fishing trip at Greasy Spic Lake. I thought that would be the end of it, but the uproar continued. Then, last winter when we were on a skiing vacation, I called a neighbor from our chalet, Big-Nosed Kike Lodge, and had the rock removed."

"Where was it removed to, Governor?"

"Jim, we threw it away where it would cause no more trouble. Dropped it right to the bottom of Old Slant-Eyed Chink Pond. Now, if you'll excuse me I still have a state to run and a campaign to win."

© 2011 Kona Lowell 

Just a Thought

Just a thought. Wonder what would happen if we directed our united anger at the GOP?

I Guess You'll Just Have to Stay in the Closet

Back in the late 70's, Norman Lear produced an amazing fake soap opera, Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman. Among its odd and delightful characters was one played to the hilt by Martin Mull, a guy named Garth Gimble. Besides being a sleazeball (and a wife-beater), Garth was something of a neat freak. Unhappy with his wife's performance of her domestic duties, Garth decided to lock her in the closet when he went to work. When he came home, he looked around and announced to his wife (still locked in the closet) that since the house was not yet clean, "I guess you'll just have to stay in the closet."

I think President Obama could relate to that.

The Republicans regularly appear on TV to intone that Obama hasn't fixed the economy. People are still unemployed. The house is still not clean. Of course they've locked him in the closet politically with filibusters and non-stop obstructionism. There has never been a more obstructionist GOP in my lifetime. Not one idea, not one appointment, not one piece of legislation has been met with anything but total refusal to cooperate, even when a host of those proposals were from the Republicans themselves.

That would be bad enough (and it is) but the growing chorus of liberal voices complaining that the house is still not clean is troubling. Liberals should know better. Most do, but too many are standing outside the closet door doing their best Garth Gimble impersonations. This is unfair, ignorant and ultimately suicidal.

There is much to fault Obama on. Too much. But to fault him for an economic mess he did not cause and has had zero bipartisan support in cleaning up will be our undoing. Think it's bad now? Just wait.

Oh, one other thing. Garth Gimble came to a bad end. He impaled himself on an aluminum Christmas tree that was stored in that closet.

© 2011 Kona Lowell